Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not tell DP how baby doctor appointment went immediately?

66 replies

SparkleBuns · 20/04/2018 12:29

Genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable here.

Our 10 month old baby son has had a bad cold and cough last couple of days (cough for 2 weeks before that) so I took today off work and went to doctors. I emailed DP at 9am at his work telling him I'd taken day off and that DS had a doctor appointment at 10. He replied saying thanks for update.

Went to docs, got seen, all OK, out by 1020. Went to shop to get a few things in for the weekend with DS. Got home had a bite to eat then checked my emails on phone about 1130. Had three emails from DP.. First asking how it went at docs, then second asking if everything OK, then third just a load of question marks.

I replied and said everything OK. I said sorry I hadn't emailed earlier but was just in door. And also said he shouldn't worry as if anything serious ever happened id call him immediately.

He replied quite aggressively saying how would I have liked it if I was stuck at work and he didn't bother telling me how an appointment went straight away, and what was I doing that was so important I forgot to message him, and I obviously couldn't be bothered emailing him etc. I replied saying he was being unreasonable and I wouldn't respond as he was talking to me horribly. He said well I'm glad to see what you think of me and that I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 20/04/2018 13:11

I always text my dh after an appointment. If I don’t remember, he texts me. Same if it’s the other way around.

floffel · 20/04/2018 13:11

No-ones been unreasonable, you both have a different way of thinking. Consider if it was the other way round and it was dh taking ds to the doctor and you didnt get an update for a bit. Use this to establish an agreed way of communicating on future events

Rockandrollwithit · 20/04/2018 13:12

Hmm, I would only text DH immediately if something is wrong. But then he's a teacher so not really contactable anyway. I'd probably drop him a text when I got in so he could read it when he got the chance.

Our DS2 saw his paediatrician on Tues. He has a complex health condition and many appts. I just updated DH that evening as nothing came up that was a new concern for us.

SilverBirchTree · 20/04/2018 13:12

It does sound like he was worried, but that doesn’t give him a license to be rude to you.

I’d be telling DP to work on his emotional intelligence if he spoke to me like that.

If he was so sick with worry he should have called you!! Instead he’s making his feelings entirely your responsibility. He’s being very unreasonable.

Yes in an ideal world we’d all contact our DP the moment we left the doctors but the baby wasn’t that ill and you did other things first.

What hope is there for a relationship that doesn’t allow for this? What are the rules according to DP? OP has to be perfect all the time or DP will be mad?

Do you feel like you are on eggshells with this man generally? Or this is an out of character blip?

mamabear2010 · 20/04/2018 13:15

god i must be so bad , i never text him after a appointment ,i just let him know after when home ,sometimes i didnt even tell him ive made the appointment unless im concerned or worried , he doesnt either to me .

maybe we are like this as his company has a no mobile policy

SilverBirchTree · 20/04/2018 13:16

Just noticed- it was only one hour later!! My god, I’ve spent longer waiting to see the GP than that. He didn’t even know whether you had left the office when he sent the silly email that was just question marks.

His reaction is massively over the top.

Lookatmenow · 20/04/2018 13:19

Three things -
1 - you did nothing wrong - you let him know when you had the chance to, albeit later when you picked his emails up

2 - He should have said, let me know how he gets on rather than his "work reply" of thanks for the update!!!!!

3 - if he was that worried why didn't he ring you after his first unanswered email?

I'll always ask DH to let me know what the doctor/dentist/optician said and if i don't hear anything, i ring him and ask

Fruem · 20/04/2018 13:19

Yes, YABU. My OH would be worried and I would have naturally text or rang him straight after.. I thought that was the norm tbh

SilverBirchTree · 20/04/2018 13:22

@Fruem but would your DP react so rudely if you were an hour late in doing so?

chloesmumtoo · 20/04/2018 13:22

It's tricky. If we were both really worried about something serious then yes I would of let my dp know by phone call as soon as possible, but probably once home. But if not so concerned I would casually text when home like you. But my dp is not always in the position where he can answer or read his phone immediately anyway. I definitely don't feel my dp would moan if I was delayed due to being out popping in a few shops before walking in the door! He'd be glad I had done some shopping to save him later! Plus you only got out of doctors by 10.20, you had traveling home time on top. I think over reaction on your dp part.
It does seem your dp was very anxious about your ds cough though and you commented he thanked you for the update earlier that seemed a big hint he wanted to be kept informed. Seems a bit over the top, but at 10mths old, still early days I suppose. If your ds had been having serious breathing troubles ect I could understand it but by your post it seems a pretty normal doctors app for a child. In which case contacting him once home should be adequate.

Lookatmenow · 20/04/2018 13:23

fruem but if you had forgot or got caught up in something else and over 30 mins had elapsed - whould he be sending shitty emails/texts to you?

SilverBirchTree · 20/04/2018 13:24

OP, two things can be true.

It’s true that in many relationships it is the norm to update the other immediately after a doctors appointment.

It is also true that it’s uncalled for to lose your temper because someone didn’t do so.

So it’s not a matter of who was right IMO.

Fruem · 20/04/2018 13:25

He wouldn't be rude about it, no. So he WBU too. But I, personally, will text update him. So if the appointment is running late then I'll tell him if he's waiting for a reply so he doesn't worry

C8H10N4O2 · 20/04/2018 13:26

Out of interest why was it you taking the day off to care for DS rather than DP? Is that the normal pattern or do you alternate/share the days off in this type of situation?

Hopingnwishing · 20/04/2018 13:26

Tbh I think you're both being unreasonable.

why take a child with a cold and a cough to the gp? It's viral. It'll pass. No antibiotics needed.
if you stayed off work for this gp appointment your dh obviously assumed your child was sicker than he thought
it takes less than a minute to text him to say there's no issue

greenlynx · 20/04/2018 13:33

I agree with floffel, it's just s different way of thinking. In our family the one who is taking DD to a doctor will txt/phone straight away or when agreed. You probably didn't realise how worried he was, that's all.

chloesmumtoo · 20/04/2018 13:33

Maybe it's the modern world today. Expectations of intstant communications? I must be getting old

AnnieAnoniMouser · 20/04/2018 13:42

I can see both points of view. I’m not one for being in constant contact, so I’d only text if there was a problem. OTOH if I was your DH sending messages and you weren’t replying I’d wind myself up that something must be wrong...but he should have phoned you, not just sent you emails.

Mind you I’d have been more pissed off when you said you ‘didn’t think I was that worried & you forgot’ rather than just hadn’t seen the necessity when DS was OK.

Maybe you need to have a good talk and be honest with each other about how you’re both feeling now your meds have kicked in, you are back at work, you are having sleepless nights (is he?) etc it’s difficult and sometimes you have to actively reconnect with each other as a couple.

ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 20/04/2018 13:42

I think it's a passive aggressive overreaction on his part. Your baby was slightly unwell so you went for a reassurance trip to GP. That's not unreasonable, still a baby, and you don't want to leave it over the weekend.
If he had been genuinely concerned he could have called or sent you a text when you didn't reply to the email. Sending three in such short succession is odd. He must have realised you hadn't seen the first one.
I wouldn't have stopped on the way out of the GP to text unless there was something to say. I too would have waited until I got home to send a message. Maybe it would have been a nice thing to do, but not sending one does not legitimise his behaviour.

You say you've been through a rocky patch. Have you considered that he might be a selfish aggressive bully? I can't tell from the few comments you've made but I would not tolerate my husband treating me like this. Stand up to him and tell him you expect him to act like a responsible adult.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 20/04/2018 13:43

I wouldn't even tell dh unless it was something serious or something I was worried about. I think he is bu

peacheachpearplum · 20/04/2018 13:44

My husband was the SAHP, I'm afraid I would have been annoyed if he hadn't let me know. It is hard being stuck at work not knowing what is happening. Obviously you didn't deliberately exclude him but he was worried so I see where he is coming from.

Landed · 20/04/2018 13:50

Put yourself in his shoes. Plus if he hadn't shown any concern i guess you would be asking the same question about his indifference.

UnRavellingFast · 20/04/2018 13:50

So you forgot to text immediately. And he couldn't call you? He's being sulky. Let him take the day off next time if he's that worried.

Troels · 20/04/2018 13:52

Even my techo averse Dh text me while adult Ds was in a hospital appointment I had given him a lift to. I updated him to say all was OK as soon as we were out of the building.
Dads worry too. He probably overreacted a bit but he was worried.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/04/2018 14:01

Oh well. Next time he can be the one to take a day off work.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread