13 year old and inappropriate searches

[StrugglingMumma]

I did post under teenagers, but have only had one response so far which I haven't found helpful. I'm new to Mumsnet but really need help with this.

I'm seriously struggling with my son who is coming up to 14 years old. He's generally a good kid, works hard at school and attends the local army cadets where he's actively involved in many events.

Over the last few months, he's started to look up porn on his smart phone. I'm not happy about this but have explained to him that it's completely normal to be curious, changes in his body and we have discussed consent and the legal side of everything.

I check his phone regularly, and have found "normal" porn- I just ignore it and don't make an issue of it.

The problem is, I have found a search of my 21 year old cousins name Hannah Smith naked (not her real name) on his Facebook. What the hell do I do with that?

I knew straight away it was him, he's a terrible liar, can tell by his face. Asked him why, I don't know. His usual answer. Explained that it's completely inappropriate as she is his family. All I get is, it was ages ago. It wasn't, it's dated last week.

I don't know what to do! He's lost his phone, Xbox etc in the last for 2-3 weeks, doesn't seem to bother him. Even when I have sat down and spoke to him about it being natural to be curious, he's still be punished for lying and being sneaky. I'm at a complete loss.

Obviously, he's lost all luxuries, anything with internet access etc until I know how to deal with it.

Please help!

BUMP

Its perfectly normal. His attention will turn to someone else pretty soo The way you deal with this, may affect his confidence and future sexual behaviour.
Have you ever had an inappropriate thought about someone you shouldn't?

you are sending him seriously mixed messages - porn good - but only if you don't know the women being exploited - and over reacting to the one search

Dont shame him for natural curiosity.

To be honest, I think the issue is your ignoring 'normal' porn. It is either okay for him to use a phone you have access to to look up explicit sexual content, or it isn't. It's definitely normal for teenagers to seek out explicit sexual content, but their parents allowing it makes it 'fine', and that is different to 'normal but not allowed'.

I think you're doing more harm than good tbh. Mixed signals, we all had inappropriate thoughts about family friends/cousins etc. It's a weird and natural part of growing up. He will soon find someone else to focus his attention on!

Im genuinely shocked at the replies saying inappropriate thoughts about family/ cousins is natural.

I'm really trying my best to right by him, but just seem to be fucking it up.

• to do right by him

No. I think you are missing the point: of mixed messages being given.

Is it possible it is something that he has done with friends. Like they have said ‘ooooh your cousin is well fit’ and used his Facebook to search.
Only thinking that as my cousins friends all had major crushes on my brother and they used to use her Facebook to message him and all sorts.

Also agree with others that you are giving mixed messages. And probably making him feel ashamed for very normal feelings.
I also note the girl in question is your cousin. That is quite distant relatively speaking (excuse the pun). It would be legal for them to marry.

We've recently had similar although one google was 'sex with the queen'. I mean she's 92!!! Anyway, after having a little snigger at that one we kind of played it down. He's 12. We did have a very frank talk about the women in these types of videos and how their lives are, the exploitation they suffer and consequences of this. We asked him not to do it again and I have made random checks of his phone. If he does it again we will probably confiscate the phone for a week.

'sex with the queen' is a worry, but I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over your son OP.

Not loving the lack of privacy for your teenage son. Putting parental controls in place is one thing, checking his search history is invasive and frankly creepy.

You should be more open about porn. If you keep saying no he will hide it and keep it more private instead of being open and talking to you if he has questions. Porn isnt bad its just the interpretation and how you respond to it that's bad. You should say how it's not always like that, consent, contraception etc and with regards to the cousin it's perfectly alright to fancy an older cousin providing you don’t act on it its only natural for boys and girls his age. I'd only be concerned if it was siblings. Just keep an eye out next time him and his cousin are together but you shouldn’t be punishing him like that

Eh are you being serious so normal to be curious. I would freak if it was me a sibling or maybe my mum other than that it wouldnt bother me.

Also unless I read it wrong its not his cousin. Its the OPs cousin so fairly detached.

Do people normally check their kids' phones then? I have 4 aged between 24 and 11 and I have never checked anyone's phone. We have all the usual parental controls in our house anyway.

To me it would seem like reading a diary. But maybe I am a slack parent? FWIW DS(24) seems fairly feminist and non objectifying in his attitude to women and DH doesn't look at porn.

So what should I say to him? I'm completely at a loss

I'm surprised he expected to see naked photos of Hannah on Facebook, to be honest.

I'd make sure he had parental controls on his devices. Curiosity is normal, but free and easy access to anything can lead to issues, he might come across extreme porn etc that might be quite upsetting and damaging for him

He's not actually going to find any naked photos of her is he, so I don't see why it's any different to any other searching.

I do wonder what parents think they are going to achieve by confiscating the phone for a week. Kids will just learn to cover their tracks better.

Inappropriate thoughts about his cousin are absolutely normal. Part of growing up. He will get over that. But searching for pictures of the naked bodies of friends and relations(!) is - however normal the urge - unacceptable.

Just reassure its normal to be curious. That the stuff he is viewing ie porn isnt real life its like a film people are pretending. To not look for family/people he knows as this would make them uncomfortable.

He is being a normal teenage boy. Give the kid a break.

Why is it ok to try and look at pictures of naked women, as long as he doesn't know them? I don't think you have thought this through.

Its either ok for him to look at naked women online (no reason why it shouldn't be) or its not.

Making him feel weird and ashamed for being sexually attracted to a (presumably) attractive young girl just because she is a distant relation is wrong and is going to give him some messed up ideas about whats normal.

Am i reading it right that you have taken his phone and xbox off him for 2-3 weeks for this as well?! Talk about an overreaction.

I'm not surprised he doesn't seem bothered. Take it from me, he is very bothered by this, but he doesn't know how to deal with it and feels he can't talk to you.

I don't blame him, I'm confused by your reaction and punishment, never mind him!