13 year old and inappropriate searches

[StrugglingMumma]

I did post under teenagers, but have only had one response so far which I haven't found helpful. I'm new to Mumsnet but really need help with this.

I'm seriously struggling with my son who is coming up to 14 years old. He's generally a good kid, works hard at school and attends the local army cadets where he's actively involved in many events.

Over the last few months, he's started to look up porn on his smart phone. I'm not happy about this but have explained to him that it's completely normal to be curious, changes in his body and we have discussed consent and the legal side of everything.

I check his phone regularly, and have found "normal" porn- I just ignore it and don't make an issue of it.

The problem is, I have found a search of my 21 year old cousins name Hannah Smith naked (not her real name) on his Facebook. What the hell do I do with that?

I knew straight away it was him, he's a terrible liar, can tell by his face. Asked him why, I don't know. His usual answer. Explained that it's completely inappropriate as she is his family. All I get is, it was ages ago. It wasn't, it's dated last week.

I don't know what to do! He's lost his phone, Xbox etc in the last for 2-3 weeks, doesn't seem to bother him. Even when I have sat down and spoke to him about it being natural to be curious, he's still be punished for lying and being sneaky. I'm at a complete loss.

Obviously, he's lost all luxuries, anything with internet access etc until I know how to deal with it.

Please help!

And checking the search history on his phone?!

Bloody hell. Wait until he is 16-17. You are going to have kittens.

No way in a million years did your son think that search would get him naked pictures of his cousin. He's probably having you on.
If this is real you're sending mixed messages.

We had the same last year, DS was 12. We accidentally caught him looking at odd stuff first time, and had a chat about porn in general. Second time we deliberately checked, and were horrified at some of the searches. He had obviously ignored our previous chat. Response to why was " I don't know". This was not your average porn search, it was pretty extreme and we were shocked.

We changed the router settings, had yet another chat and took the phone away. He hasn't really used it since, just moved on to other things -Xbox- I am guessing it is a phase, curiosity more than being deviant

BTW cousins can legally marry so nothing to worry about there - my DH grandparents are first cousins

Bloody hell. Wait until he is 16-17. You are going to have kittens

Lets hope hes learned how to use an incognito window by then :D

Have you got parental restrictions on his phone and other devices OP to limit very extreme and very explicit content? I think the porn and curiosity thing is pretty normal but I can understand why you are concerned.

The danger with banning stuff is that they will probably still do it anyway but even more covertly. Teens are masters of deceit and know their way around the internet far better than most of us do.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to speak to him again when he gets home from school

I'd say that inappropriate thoughts about cousins, or friends, etc are perfectly normal. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. He's not going to find naked pictures of family/friends online so he'll soon enough be back to the normal stuff.

Sex with the queen made me laugh my head off.
So glad there was no internet when I was younger, I'd of looked up the weirdest things and probably be completely sexually depraved now 😳
Think it's pretty normal what he's done, that 21 year old cousin probably seems pretty interesting to him right now and his friends have probably said she's fit.

I think all we can do is advise, advise, advise about what a murky world it can be out there and just try and be open, admit we too would have looked up weird stuff but try and keep the kids grounded that it's not real life. I've only got a few years left till my Son will be doing this, it scares me.

He will get over that. But searching for pictures of the naked bodies of friends and relations(!) is - however normal the urge - unacceptable.
Why? He wasn't going to find anything!

The thought of some posters thats its ok for him to look at porn but not have natural curiosity about a young woman he knows is really rather f*cked up. I would much prefer my son to be curious about 'real' women than unrealistic models naked bodies aside from other issues facing sex workers. Check yourselves and what you are supporting and ingraining in your kids.

Take his gadgets and take control. Put on parental locks.
And tell him 'no porn', not that its ok to look if they are strangers.

Well done on giving him a complex about sex and probably damaging his sex life for the rest of his life...applause!

Well done on giving him a complex about sex and probably damaging his sex life for the rest of his life...applause!

Or simply explaining about respect, women, and exploitation in the porn industry, giving him the insight to grow up with a healthy view of how to treat females.

And that we are not just here as fuck holes for men's pleasure.

Tbh with a search that specific I'd be assuming he'd heard/been told that there were naked pictures of her on facebook. That's a really random thing to search.

I think you are giving mixed messages. You are ignoring and accepting porn until it's unacceptable to you, because it's someone you know, and then you are punishing him. Every woman he sees in porn is someone's cousin. Fair enough you tell him you don't want him searching for that again, but punishing him because it's not to your taste is pretty unfair imo (and I'm a pretty strict parent).

Or simply explaining about respect, women, and exploitation in the porn industry, giving him the insight to grow up with a healthy view of how to treat females.

But only the women that he's related too. The other women that were ignored were clearly fair game for the OP... That some women are worth more than others is not a healthy thing to teach.

When I was younger I had a crush on my older cousin. It passed. Although I never tried to find naked pictures of them. However, that's the age we live in now. He was curious. You've explained it's wrong. Leave it at that.

Also exposing a child, or minor to porn is child abuse. It's 18 certificate for a reason. Young impressionable minds and all that. That's your bigger issue.

Take his gadgets and take control. Put on parental locks.
And tell him 'no porn', not that its ok to look if they are strangers.
Do you actually think that putting parental controls on a device makes it impossible to see porn?
It's delusional! Telling someone that they cannot look at porn has never worked. They will still look, they will still find it.
It's far better to talk to them to help them understand what porn is.