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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Everyone is saying what a lovely man Dale Winton was

71 replies

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 19:48

I am wondering how many people told him this when he was still alive? In all honesty do we ever say to other people (I don't mean family) that they are lovely and we really like them? From all accounts Dale was lonely and suffered from depression. Why can't we tell the people that we appreciate them in our day to day lives?

OP posts:

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 19/04/2018 20:49

I don't want to come across as pedantic but the term is died by suicide not committed suicide.

Poor Dale spoke of his battle with depression. RIP

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 20:49

I know what everyone is saying about clinical depression and you can't just snap out of it - to be honest apart from my family some very close friends, my other friends and colleagues would never know I have had depression - I would just never confide in them. I feel ashamed that I am not the strong person that they all think I am. If anyone asked you what I was like they would say that I have a thick skin and am fairly robust when in fact the truth is the exact opposite.

OP posts:

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 19/04/2018 20:49

OlennasWimple yes I agree with you

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 20:51

OlennasWimple couldn't agree more. In fact this week an acquaintance bought me a small but surprise gift - I was really touched but also a bit gobsmacked because I had always assumed they weren't that keen on me.

OP posts:

eloisesparkle · 19/04/2018 20:55

I never knew David Walliams was really David Williams. I just thought it was another unusual surname I'd not heard of before.

flopsyrabbit1 · 19/04/2018 20:59

its very sad,cant help feeling i thought of George Michael when i heard

2 people that entertained many in differrent ways,i dont think they realised how well thought of they were

Butterymuffin · 19/04/2018 21:00

Olenna Yes! Even if we concede that it's not going to cure clinical depression, it would still be good to say nice things to people and tell them we love them while we can. None of us know what tomorrow will bring.

StrangeLookingParasite · 19/04/2018 21:03

Did it cure your depression?

I don't think it would hurt, even if it couldn't fix it.

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 21:09

flopsyrabbit1 me too. I wonder if there is any correlation between being in showbiz and having low self esteem - tears of a clown and all that. Do you think some of them are constantly trying to show their worth and get validation for who they are?

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 19/04/2018 21:11

I think a lot of depression stems from low self esteem and feeling worthless - you can feel as if no one really likes you and that they just tolerate you.

I think that's a gross oversimplification of clinical depression.

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 21:14

Idontdowindows maybe but surely if that's my experience of MY depression I can say that?

OP posts:

Uhuhhoney · 19/04/2018 21:18

I think that's a gross oversimplification of clinical depression.

Not really - its certainty a robust, statistically significant finding in meta-analyses exploring the relationship.

Of course there are many other factors but self esteem is seen as a mediator factor - i.e. experience/trauma lower esteem, and lower self esteem heighten depressive symptomatology

flopsyrabbit1 · 19/04/2018 21:18

op yes i think thats a valid point you make

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/04/2018 21:18

Clinical depression is multifactorial can’t be reduced to low self esteem,low self worth
low self esteem,low self worth Are symptoms NOT causes.
Causes of depression are genetic,biological,social,on occasion reactive.all In the mix

CuntPuffin · 19/04/2018 21:24

A very dear friend of mine took her own life just shy of two years ago.

She was the most brilliant, clever, funny and wonderful woman. Lots of us used to tell her this and how much we loved her. But she couldn't see it. She helped me through so much while hiding her own demons. I will miss her for the rest of my life and will never stop wishing I could have stopped her.

JustOneMoreStep · 19/04/2018 21:25

Clinical depression is awful and my observations of it (as an outsider) is that it's bloody hard work for friends/family to continually chip away at the person who is ill, telling how loved they are etc only to be shut out more, and often it can have a detrimental impact on the ones trying to offer the supports mental health. Meanwhile, it's impossible for the person who is unwell to accept the things being said as being true and so the void between the two gets bigger and so on. I don't think that's necessarily anyone's fault as we all have different tolerances and breaking points etc.

I do think, however, that it's very unusual for an individual to wake up one morning clinically depressed, but rather it's a downwards spiral ending there. Of course how long that spiral is and how quickly they travel that spiral is very individual, but I do suspect if we were generally 'nicer' as a society, perhaps fewer people would end up quite so unwell.

CurlsandCurves · 19/04/2018 21:26

Re David Walliams, Loose Women showed an interview with Dale from not so long ago. He talked about his depression and said David had been absolutely wonderful and showed a great deal of care to him.

Depression is a horrible illness.

charlestonchaplin · 19/04/2018 21:29

I don't think OP said telling people they are lovely will cure their depression. Many of you are taking a very narrow interpretation of her words. It is common knowledge that socially isolated people are more likely to suffer from mental health issues including depression. Keeping a respectful British distance and never reaching out to people will keep them socially isolated. They may want to be their own but you'll never know unless you reach out.

Many people hear the message 'Don't trouble others, don't be a burden' loud and clear and keep to themselves, even keeping their problems form people they know. Others just want to avoid judgement.

There was that recent thread, when so many people said they don't have anyone they can turn to for help with their children, even in an emergency. That's social isolation on another level and many people are struggling in families, some of them with depression.

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 21:30

JustOneMoreStep well said. I know what has caused my depression and feelings of worthlessness - I had counselling for 2 years and do you know what, I just felt more guilty burdening the person giving the counselling - I was thinking that he must have problems of his own and why would he want to listen to mine. He told me I had an overblown sense of responsibility as a result of growing up with alcoholic parents. I take medication now and have done for years - I just think if I had been given more support as a youngster and as young adult things might have been different. I think a kind word can go a long way.

OP posts:

Failingat40 · 19/04/2018 21:31

Yanbu @poppetpet

This is one of my bug bears in life.
People can go through life struggling without love and support but when they die everyone who remembered them from school/work/shop/neighbours want to go to the funeral!!

It's sick!

Be there for people in real life while they are alive. Being kind and supportive can make such a difference to a persons life.

David Walliams has a real genuine friendship with Dale and was credited as being fantastic with it during Dales' last TV appearance on Loose Women. I can't believe the trolls are doubting this.

I think Dale was a real genuine lovely man who struggled with a lot of aspects of his life including the death of his father at 9 then the suicide of his mother when he was just 21, shortly after denying to her he was gay.

I hope Dale has found peace.

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 21:31

charlestonchaplin I think you just hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:

Original poster

poppetpet · 19/04/2018 21:33

Failingat40 I hate people who are hypocrites and try and jump on a bandwagon after someone dies - I've seen it so many times.

OP posts:

MorningsEleven · 19/04/2018 21:35

It’s a kind thought op, but the thing is clinical depression (versus being a bit down etc) tends not to be about other people’s feelings about you, but more about your convictions about yourself

Absolutely. And sometimes telling someone "Oh but you're so great/fun/outgoing" puts pressure on to be all of those things when you're dying inside.

NorksAreMessy · 19/04/2018 21:35

My depression is absolutely NOT caused by low self esteem. I am a very happy, very lucky person.
The depression is a chemical imbalance that I have no control over. No end of people telling me I am lovely or telling me I have nothing to be depressed about will cure it.
I am lucky that my bouts only last a few days, and knowing that makes them easier to bear.
Not seeing an end point would be VERY hard.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/04/2018 21:36

It’s so sad

I read he lost both parents when he was a little boy

Some things cannot be borne . Rest in peace dale

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