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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re boyfriend

80 replies

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 18:45

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable hence asking here... my boyfriend of 18 months and I don't live together. I have a 5 year old DS and have always been on my own with him, so I can't go out loads in the evening. Anyway, my boyfriend has this thing where he will arrange to see us for a part of the day or evening, then head off somewhere else later. I don't like it, as it leaves me feeling flatter than if I had just been on my own the whole time. For example, this friday, we are meant to be going to see friends of his after school a 30 min drive away. Presumably I'd have to get myself and DS there. Then I thought we'd head back here together and have a drink in the garden when DS in bed. He has said he wants to go out later, so maybe he wouldn't even come back with us. I annoyed him by saying I thought he should choose - either we'll all hang out at his mates and then come back here together, or he should go out. I haven't seen him all week, and I'd like to spend a whole evening with him. He thinks I am being petulant and cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I genuinely would be fine if he did decide to go out - I can hang out with my sister and not rush through london at rush hour to get to his friends. Am I being unreasonable? He does this quite a lot... eg the other week, he persuaded me to come out, half an hour away (next to his flat) to see him and his friends, said he'd pay for the babysitter, then suddenly announced at closing time he wasn't coming back with me and I'd have to travel home alone. It makes me feel like he wants his cake and to eat it... but am I being unfair? I know you lot will be honest!

OP posts:

Minnie13 · 19/04/2018 20:11

Failure to grow up: here is a perfect example PollyIndia (him, not you!). I thought you were talking about someone in his early twenties, which would've been bad enough, but 42?? 42-year-old men do not change. You deserve more and so does your child but you already know that I think. Please don't waste your time with counselling because there isn't an adult relationship to save (I hope I'm not being offensive but as an Aspie I find it hard to get my point across without sounding blunt). Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 19/04/2018 20:12

I dont think either of you are being unreasonable. Your lifestyles are just different and maybe incompatible. If you both find a way to compromise you might be able to make it work. Just depends on how much each of you are willing to compromise.

Purplehammer · 19/04/2018 20:14

You know it’s right when you don’t just want to be together,but you just can’t bear to be apart.
After 18 months this should be the best time.
Not to put too fine a point on it he’s a selfish twat get rid.
I am a man ,by the way .
You deserve better and there are better out there .

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:15

That's not the only times I see him! It just annoys me when he does that. He's also booking an airbnb for us for sat night as DS has a sleepover... and i'd usually see him another night in the week when he'd come over and we'll cook or whatever. Then work is probably a few nights a week, he's just bought his own flat so he wants to stay in one night and maybe 1 night with mates... my question was more about whether I was unreasonable to not want him to spend part of the evening with us, then go off somewhere else. And you've all been very emphatic with telling me that no, I am not!

OP posts:

MudCity · 19/04/2018 20:18

OP, I have been in a similar situation. Lovely guy that he was, he had a busy job, a million friends and a million interests which always seemed to take precedence over me. I was virtually at the bottom of every list. That was how he was in all his relationships and he continues to be like that despite having a long-term partner (who stays at home with their children while he gallivants around). He wants everything but it means he spreads himself very thinly. It is just the way he is and continues to be.

A life like that was not the life for me.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:22

Thanks for all your comments.
Walkingdeadfangirl I guess that was my question re counselling... like I said above, often there is fault on both sides, its never only one way. But on a forum like this, I give my side only, and of course it seems very clear cut...
Funny how I am now defending him! I just don't want to be unfair. But many of you have made very valid points and I shall think about them all.
Purplehammer - I get what you are saying, and we have been like that 100%. I had one other relationship since DS was born and we weren't like that at all, so I knew that was wrong and ended it. It's tricky though - I find running my own business plus looking after DS on my own to be exhausting - I have little headspace for much else. I also have to work to make space for him, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:23

Mudcity - yes, that resonates. He has friends like that. Rich friends whose partners are at home and they are everywhere. But I know he doesn't WANT to be like that - he is just not very self aware about the way he already is I'd say.

OP posts:

Notevilstepmother · 19/04/2018 20:23

I think if you move in together it will only get worse, he will stop bothering to schedule you in, as you are there in the background, so although you will be in the same house, he will use this to fit in more other commitments and you will see him less .

MudCity · 19/04/2018 20:24

You are definitely not being unreasonable! I remember preparing dinner for us both and looking forward to a relaxed evening together. Not so. we had barely finished dessert and he would be out of the door to catch up with friends or whatever...

He was entirely faithful but just led a ridiculously busy life with 101 “priorities”....

AnyFucker · 19/04/2018 20:24

Next time, date a grown up

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:24

I have no plans to move in with him! I've said that a few times.

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 19/04/2018 20:25

To me you sound more like a FWB or a f buddy than a proper partner. Fair enough if thats all someone wants but it sounds like its not for you.

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:25

Luckily he'd never do that Mudcity. That's awful!

OP posts:

Notevilstepmother · 19/04/2018 20:25

I know, but you said he wants to...

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:28

I didn't...I said he wants to go out after we've been to his friend's tomorrow - they have kids, I'll take DS. if he came over here for an evening, he'd never leave halfway through. I don't think I've said anywhere he'd do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 20:30

The OP was specifically about tomorrow but we have had arguments before where for example, we've met for lunch, then he'll want to go and do something else later on... it doesn't happen every week, or even every month, but he has form for it, and it annoys me. That was my AIBU. The time at the pub I mentioned, he behaved like a dick, and i told him so.

OP posts:

MudCity · 19/04/2018 20:32

I get you. My ex was desperate to settle down and have a family but lived a life that was anything but settled or family-oriented. Any partner needed to accept him as he was (and be content with staying at home while watching him travel and be out and about socialising with the great and the good). My only chance of seeing him was to go to football with him or act as a taxi service.

All I can say is that his current partner must have the patience of a saint and be happy to bring up their children largely alone.

OliviaBenson · 19/04/2018 20:43

It's like he's slotting you in to his schedule each week so he can tick the box that he has seen you. It's not meaningful commitment.

Also counselling after 18 months? You should be in the loved up inseparable stage.

Sorry op, but he's really not that into you.

IfNot · 19/04/2018 20:55

Being single is better than being with a man like him.

This basically. It doesn't have to be like this. You're a grown woman, don't take scraps. I am roughly your age, also a lone parent. I decided years ago that for me to make room for a man he would have to treat me like a queen. I have, and he does, but the minute he doesn't. ..well I've been single and I'm not scared to be single again. Come on love, you know you are worth more than this.

crazycatlady5 · 19/04/2018 20:57

Saying he’s not that in to you is gross IMO. Things really don’t have to be that b&w. I think he just loves a social life and is a bit of a big kid, not cool at 42 and when you have a kid to think about. Doesn’t mean he’s not into you but I wouldn’t put up with it either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2018 21:03

The idea about being in a relationship is not to feel lonely. This isn’t happening here. I was also very surprised at his age. I also thought you’d be in your 20’s. This isn’t an equal, grown up relationship.

MumW · 19/04/2018 21:09

I think I would have to agree with the PP who said run for the hills.

He's still behaving as a bit of a jack the lad singleton at 42 and has been the same in all his previous relationships. He is NOT going to change.

Seriously consider whether you really want a child with him. He is NOT going to change.

You will be left holding the baby will he gads about like a single bloke. As I've said, he's NOT going to change.

I think you are in love with the caring partner that you would like for your DC. No amount of counselling is going to turn him into Mr Perfect.

Sorry if that is harsh, I know we don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but that is what you have portrayed.

FinallyHere · 19/04/2018 21:22

he is just not very self aware about the way he already is I'd say.

I say he sounds selfish

Pu-tay-to pu-ta-to

GabriellaMontez · 19/04/2018 21:56

I'm sure you'd be happier with someone who loves being with you rather than timetable ing you in to his busy schedule for a couple of hours here and there.

WotcherHarry · 20/04/2018 06:15

OP, just wanted to say that you sound like you are being fair and balanced in your assessment of the situation. The issue is that sometimes, when you are able take a step back and look at everything in a balanced way, you can feel guilty for feeling that you are 'insinuating' to yourself that the other person is doing any less than their best. The thing is that he doesn't sound as rational and able to empathise with your feelings, and then f you have already talked to him about it then I'd suggest it's probably not going to change much. I know you aren't wanting to move in etc but I guess you have to think about long term goals and what you want for you and your son - if this isn't it, move on. Take care of yourself, you sound like a level headed and great person to be around.

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