Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re boyfriend

80 replies

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 18:45

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable hence asking here... my boyfriend of 18 months and I don't live together. I have a 5 year old DS and have always been on my own with him, so I can't go out loads in the evening. Anyway, my boyfriend has this thing where he will arrange to see us for a part of the day or evening, then head off somewhere else later. I don't like it, as it leaves me feeling flatter than if I had just been on my own the whole time. For example, this friday, we are meant to be going to see friends of his after school a 30 min drive away. Presumably I'd have to get myself and DS there. Then I thought we'd head back here together and have a drink in the garden when DS in bed. He has said he wants to go out later, so maybe he wouldn't even come back with us. I annoyed him by saying I thought he should choose - either we'll all hang out at his mates and then come back here together, or he should go out. I haven't seen him all week, and I'd like to spend a whole evening with him. He thinks I am being petulant and cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I genuinely would be fine if he did decide to go out - I can hang out with my sister and not rush through london at rush hour to get to his friends. Am I being unreasonable? He does this quite a lot... eg the other week, he persuaded me to come out, half an hour away (next to his flat) to see him and his friends, said he'd pay for the babysitter, then suddenly announced at closing time he wasn't coming back with me and I'd have to travel home alone. It makes me feel like he wants his cake and to eat it... but am I being unfair? I know you lot will be honest!

OP posts:
Hisnamesblaine · 19/04/2018 19:17

If you are considering counselling at such a early stage of your relationship then I'm afraid it doesn't sound great. I would cut your loses now

Original poster
PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:20

Yes, I've also thought that re the counselling and wondered if it's a bit ridiculous so early...

OP posts:
ificouldwritealettertome · 19/04/2018 19:21

Run, run for the hills

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2018 19:24

What’s the counselling even for?

Original poster
PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:26

Actually, one of the reasons I was up for counselling is that you never know who is to blame. Obviously I am giving you my version. He'd say something else, and sometimes, having someone help you figure out the right way to communicate can help relationships work. I'm not easy either - 42, raised my son alone, own my own business and I am fiercely independent and quite closed... I don't know, i just wanted to give this the best chance of working.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 19/04/2018 19:28

You aren’t compatible

Also I am being served multiple ads for OhPolly.com which somehow seems fitting

Nikephorus · 19/04/2018 19:32

Re the counselling, I don't think you should have to work that hard at a relationship when it's relatively new (i.e. pre-moving in together). Admittedly I'm crap at relationships but if you're needing counselling and he's not wanting to prioritise you that much it doesn't bode well (in my opinion) for living together and having kids). And your DS (and you) deserves stability - if your plans are always having to change because he changes his mind then you're not getting that and nor is DS (and that will be more important as he gets a bit older).

eddielizzard · 19/04/2018 19:33

i don't see it as not being compatible. i think he doesn't want the ties and responsibility that being a parent means. ie. you can have fun but you have to get home to put dc to bed. he doesn't want to do that. he wants to go out. i think he does like you but doesn't want to make the sacrifices to his social life that part of a family mean. def don't have a kid with this guy! you'll still be stuck at home while he goes out with his mates!

UninspiringUserName · 19/04/2018 19:36

OP, you sound awesome, I'll pop over and drink wine in your garden instead and you can tell me who the unhappy presenter is

On a serious note, I can see why you're holding back from moving things on. He's hardly making you feel his priority is he? I get that work has its demands, mine is the same, but if he's wanting to take things to the next step, he should be trying a bit harder. Stand your ground and see what happens...

Fruitcorner123 · 19/04/2018 19:36

Between his work, football and mates, I definitely feel low on the list.
I was going to say that sounds like the boyfriend I had when I was 18 then I read he was 42!!! Come on you know you can do better than this.

If you need counselling at this stage of a relationship its not an good sign. I would write this one off and find someone who loves spending time with you and has you top of his list. If you find him trust me you won't need counselling before you have even lived together

Rudgie47 · 19/04/2018 19:37

YANBU, tell him to fuck off OP, what a user he is.
Being on your own is better than being with someone like this.

Original poster
PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:38

Eddielizzard, yes, that's it, totally. And thanks uninspiringusername - you are welcome anytime!

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2018 19:40

You know what - this is why i'm single lol.

I absolutely will not settle for being anything less than a number one priority in any potential partners life. Fair enough, if someone's got (dependant) kids, then they come first - I get that and I don't have a problem with that BUT I'm next! Not the pub, the golf, the job, the extended family, the mates, the DIY. ME.

Arapaima · 19/04/2018 19:42

Ah yes, I had an ex a bit like this. At first I liked that he was always there for his friends, but later I started wanting to be a higher priority for him.

You don't have to ditch this guy. If he's fun to hang out with and you don't mind keeping things non serious, then you can ask exactly what his plans are for a night and only accept the ones you can be arsed with. But if he's pushing to get more serious then he needs to demonstrate a lot more commitment.

TheJoyOfSox · 19/04/2018 19:43

After 18 months you should be at least equal in priority to his mates and work and I’d hope you’re more important than football ( not sure if he’s playing or watching) .
I feel sad for you, he’s treating you so poorly.
Wine 💐🍾

crazycatlady5 · 19/04/2018 19:44

He isn’t ready to settle down (and by that I mean stop having constant nights out) which he really should be by 42.

Qwertytypewriter · 19/04/2018 19:47

Obviously I am giving you my version. He'd say something else, and sometimes, having someone help you figure out the right way to communicate can help relationships work. I'm not easy either - 42, raised my son alone, own my own business..
The thing is, you're right that there are different points of view, but by understanding and mentioning that, you have made your self sound so sensible, fair and reasonable, that I really doubt you're giving a really biased view of things Grin.
I spent 6 years waiting for mine to get comfortable enough to see me as more central to his life - it never happened.

Its not that they're evil, I think they don't even understand what they're doing thats so annoying (hypothetically, he'd prob be quite happy if you were too busy most of the time, and the 2 of you only met up about one evening a week - but most women want more).

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 19:48

Run like the wind. There's a reason why this man is, on the one hand, pushing for moving in and more babies and, on the other hand, scheduling brief bouts of time to spend with you before moving on.

He wants a housekeeper he can fuck.

He wants you stuck at home, waiting on his pleasure, cooking, cleaning, raising DC and there for him to stick his dick in if he feels so inclined. It may be a combination of laziness and selfishness (but why should you waste your time on a selfish, lazy man?) Or it may be worse: a lot of very abusive men seek out women who are independent, successful and confident in order to crush them. At the moment he is in the testing phase - seeing just how much shit you will eat in order to 'please' him.
Really: give him his marching orders. You can do better than him. Being single is better than being with a man like him.

morningconstitutional2017 · 19/04/2018 19:49

I think he is using you. You're worth more than this. There are much nicer men out there.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/04/2018 19:50
Grin

Yep. What Reanimated SGB said

Shiftymake · 19/04/2018 19:50

I hate to say this but after a certain age, it will take a lot more then counselling to change his priorities and habits. This sounds more like friends with benefits than an actual relationship as he only makes time for you after everything else and then goes off to do other things despite your wishes. Just my impression from what has been written here so far.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2018 19:53

He's 42 and behaving this way?! Good grief, op, he is wasting your precious time. Dump this manchild and look for an actual adult relationship.

Pinkvoid · 19/04/2018 19:59

42! Wow... I thought from what you were saying you were early-mid twenties at the most. He sounds seriously immature and self-centred.

Your lives are incompatible and I agree with PP’s, he isn’t as committed to the relationship as you are.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 19/04/2018 20:01

He's as grown up and responsible as he's ever going to be, and no amount of counselling is ever going to change that.

Gemini69 · 19/04/2018 20:09

wow get Him.. sparing you a wee hour here and there.. Hmm on route to his real night out.. FUCK THAT... drop his ass like a pebble off a pier Flowers