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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's Mum has taken a big interest in my baby!

29 replies

SidSparrow · 19/04/2018 14:07

So, my friend lives overseas and her Mum who I only ever met a couple of times has taken an interest me because I have a baby. It started with her knitting her a cardigan whilst I was pregnant. I sent a TY card and then she got in touch wanting to meet up, I was reluctant but met her because I didn't really want to her offend her by saying no. Then she wanted to visit, again I said ok, mainly because I am still really good friends with her daughter. That time she was overly inquistive on feeding, sleeping, the decor of my house... I felt she was subtely telling me what to do. Anyway, I had my baby and as soon as I did she wanted to visit, only because she was going on holiday and wanted to see the baby before she left. By this point I was really over it. I wasn't long out the hospital and didn't care much for visitors and I really feel like I am indulging her because her children are not giving her any more grandchildren, she barely knows me but yet is quite bossy, though subtle. She has also offered to babysit but I know she has a drink problem. Not happening! Anyway, I let her visit, again, and when she was holding my baby she was staring at her, as though studying her, her manner is quite intimidating then she made some off joke about leaving the baby on the sofa to fend for herself. I took my baby back at that point. It just all feels very odd and I don't like her coming round. Today in the mail there's a postcard from her to my baby!

I don't want to upset the woman but I don't really want her hanging round. How do I do this?? My baby has grandparents and aunts and uncles and a very capable Mum and Dad. It's a shame this woman will not have any more grandchildren but I don't see why I shoud have to cater for her need especially since she's not exactly a sweet old lady. Ugh! So, any ideas? AIBU? I dunno!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 19/04/2018 14:09

I think just be busy and vague. You don’t have to give your time to whoever demands it.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 19/04/2018 14:11

I agree with being vague. She’ll drift off.

bsbabas · 19/04/2018 14:14

She's mental steer well clear and just say no

Buddyelf · 19/04/2018 14:20

Steer clear. Your gut instinct is telling you something isn't quite right. Follow that instinct and cut contact.

thecatsthecats · 19/04/2018 14:22

Someone will be along in a minute to say oh, she's lonely, oh it's great to have someone love your baby.

Bullshit. She has no right to exercise her grandmotherly desires on your child, who has plenty enough love already. It's never too early or too late to set boundaries.

If she's that into babies she can link up with a mum who hasn't the support you have and do some good, rather than fixating on your baby - when she didn't with you before you had one.

Fieau · 19/04/2018 14:24

Could you speak to your friend about it and see if she can get her mum to back off a bit?

StormTreader · 19/04/2018 14:26

Every time she asks say that "baby is already booked with Auntie/Granny etc that day" ie "she has a lot of family already thanks".

JoanofNarc · 19/04/2018 14:27

Block her number and get on with your life. Seriously, it's harsh but she's a weirdo.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 14:28

She sounds really odd. I would just ignore her calls and reply that your not available to any messages

KurriKurri · 19/04/2018 14:28

Every time she asks mention one of your actual relations. 'Sorry can't do that, baby is visiting her grandmother/baby's aunty is coming over'/Dh and I are taking baby out/I'm going out with a group of mum friends etc etc.

Get the message across that your baby has a full social calendar Grin and there isn't space for hangers on.

Don't have any qualms - her input doesn't sound healthy - she's being possessive over a baby that is nothing to do with her. and she's making you uncomfortable - this is your time to enjoy your babay not worry about a weird self-appointed granny.

Failing this contact your friend and ask her to tell her Mum to back off because she's being stalkerish.

PinkCalluna · 19/04/2018 14:31

If you don’t enjoy her visits and she makes you uncomfortable it is fine to politely keep saying “no”.

If you find making excuses hard there is one other way to handle it:

Get her to come when your Mum or MIL is there. Make sure DM/MIL knows the issue in advance, get them prepared to jump in and defend you and commandeer the baby.

Seeing the that baby already has a Grandma (or two if you can get them both there!) might help her back off.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/04/2018 14:32

Definitely be too busy to see her - I'm sure she means well but she's already way overstepping the mark.

Maybe have a word with your friend about it, so if her mother starts fretting about not seeing you, your friend can gently advise her to ease off.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/04/2018 14:35

You totally have control here.

Just don't reply. Be busy.

There's nothing she can do.

SendintheArdwolves · 19/04/2018 14:36

Your spidey senses are tingling. This woman needs to get out of your life.

She is a "give an inch, take a mile" type, so there is no point being subtle, hinting or thinking you can gradually reduce contact.

It ends today. Ignore all postcards/letters, screen calls and don't return voicemails. Choose one method of communication - something message-based is best as it creates a papertrail - and use stock phrases to respond to direct questions. Things like:

Sorry, that won't work for us
We're fully booked for the foreseeable, I'm afraid
That's a kind offer but no thank you

then just deploy them in response to direct requests. ignore anything waffly or chatty - you don't have to respond to them at all.

Good luck OP Grin

Charolais · 19/04/2018 14:37

Now you know why her daughter lives over-seas.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 14:40

Now you know why her daughter lives over-seas.

Grin
Brandnewshit · 19/04/2018 14:41

If she lives overseas your not going to bump into her much?

Brandnewshit · 19/04/2018 14:42

Ah her daughter lives overseas. Makes sense!

Tinkobell · 19/04/2018 14:46

I'd go to the friend ....explain that you've got a lot on right now with your own family popping in and out and establishing baby's napping patterns. I'd also ask HER if everything's ok with her mum....say, she's lovely but clingy. Say you're a little concerned ...maybe she needs help or a friend.
Decline anymore visits - say you're out, busy, anything.

Tinkobell · 19/04/2018 14:47

The lady is clearly not well. I'd keep her well away.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 19/04/2018 14:54

I had a similar issue (and still do but now with a 10 year old instead of a baby). The woman was my mother-in-law's sister's neighbour from years ago. Luckily she doesn't know my new address.

She's over familiar with my daughter. She tries to dictate what my daughter can eat or drink and what she is allowed to do.

Being busy and vague about our plans works. I will say hello and have a very brief conversation. We avoid the cafe and other places where we are more likely to bump into her.

Sarahjconnor · 19/04/2018 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/04/2018 15:18

Just be busy, therefore unavailable, vague, busy.
If she moans to your friend, say to your friend you have a lot on and your own family to cope with.
(Looks back at own behaviour with friends' grandchildren, hope I haven't been suffocating or weird).

NickD87 · 19/04/2018 15:21

Aaaaah, how tricky! I would feel totally the same but I'm also one of those people who would pander to her because I feel sorry for her or whatever (even if I don't know her too well!). Plus she is your good friends Mum. Personally, I would maybe try and find the balance? Agree with others that you should be vague, but maybe put a couple of sporadic dates in the diary to meet up for a coffee out of your own home? Eventually she'll fade out, you won't feel quite so guilty about shutting her out or like you're being mean or unreasonable (which you aren't...but very easy to feel that way!). It does sound like she's kinda lonely....

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 15:23

Agree with others that you should be vague, but maybe put a couple of sporadic dates in the diary to meet up for a coffee out of your own home?

Fuck that, i don't know about anyone else on here but it's hard enough to make time to meet up with my own friends and family, nevermind making time for someone I have no desire to spend time with!