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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a third child would work

38 replies

pinksplutterweasel · 19/04/2018 11:02

If you’d have asked me three months ago whether I wanted another child, I’d have said no. For years I’ve felt my family is complete. DD has just turned 10 and DS is 8. We have a lovely life, and the kids are at a great age and we are no longer restricted with what we do. We have great holidays and have New York planned for Christmas 18. We earn well and life is good. I have been self employed since both kids were of school age and as of January, I took over my old boss’ company. I’m really lucky that I only have to work a few hours a day, Work around the kids school hours and earn about £40-45k a year. I’m going to be 39 this year - but suddenly I’m questioning whether I’m really content to never have another baby...ever. My closest friend with kids the same age as mine has just had a baby, my sister in law who is my age is expecting her second and they’d been goading me...comments such as ‘time for another for you’. And I was saying no way! Until i sat and thought about it. I’ve also just stopped taking the pill because it was making me miserable and I know if I were to fall pregnant accidentally it would be a shock but we’d find a way through it. However to commit to actively deciding to have another is a much bigger deal. I’m wondering - can I keep my business going, is it unreasonable to ask my kids to share a bedroom with a little one (depending on gender), does it put us back to square one in terms of our easy life. Or does it just add a new dimension? I feel like we are coasting at the moment ie life feels almost too easy. Is it possible to keep working a few hours a day with a tiny baby, what with a toddler? Could I use part time childcare? I wake up thinking about this and go to sleep thinking about it. I guess in a nutshell would I be taking away from Our happy life...or adding to it and making it even better

OP posts:
KateGrey · 19/04/2018 11:05

Honestly with kids that age I probably wouldn’t. It seems like a nice thought to add to your family but I wouldn’t want my kids to share a room. Plus you have lovely holidays and can do more for the kids you already have. Personally I’d stick to two.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/04/2018 11:08

Either decision is fine if it's the right one for you. I think it is normal around your sort of age to start wondering whether you are definitely finished.

I have three and its lovely. Most of my friends have 2 and are happy with that.
Mumsnet doesn't have the answers because we will all have different opinions.

If you and your DH both want a third child go for it.

Original poster
pinksplutterweasel · 19/04/2018 11:10

Probably right. I’m lookin. At it with rose tinted specs remembering all the good. I’ve totally forgotten the exhaustion.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:10

No one but you can decide that but it could just be because you're going to be turning 40 soon and thinking you're time is running out to have kids. I'm the same age, my kids are 17 and 14 now and I couldn't think of anything worse than going right back to baby days Grin

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2018 11:11

You need to consider the restrictions having a little one will have on the activities your older DC want to do (eg clubs/classes after school) as you will have to take little one with you everywhere - even when they are a toddler - unless you have other childcare in place.

How much does your DH help out?

Could you employ a nanny or an au pair?

Annabelle4 · 19/04/2018 11:13

Honestly, I didn't even get to the end there. Your life and your family sounds perfect.

And I say that as a mum of 3! I adore my third and am so glad we have him, but I am so looking forward to the stage you're at.

You'd be mad to go back, IMO

lubeybooby · 19/04/2018 11:14

I've reached the stage where you are now where life is good (took me ages as a single mum) and now I think nope, bugger that

I am thinking of it in terms of 'in ten years time'

eg in ten years time do I want to be dealing with a ten-year-old still, school runs and hassles and the teen years to come or do I want to have freedom, money and travel. I'm choosing the latter despite the broodiness being very strong at times

I'd get your contraception sorted at least for the time being until you are sure.

PinkHeart5914 · 19/04/2018 11:15

I think with that age gap I wouldn’t go for a 3rd baby.

Imo it would add too much stress to the dc you already have, it’s easier for a younger child to just accept a new baby. It’s easier for a younger child to not notice the baby crying at night than a 10 year old.

What about you have you forgot abou the morning sickness? labour? constant breast or bottle feeding? The lack of sleep & energy? The teething? The weaning? The potty training?

Your dc are growing up and that means you can also enjoy your life a bit more now, take the dc on nice grown up holidays etc

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/04/2018 11:16

I am in a similar situation. (Or will be in a year.)

Kids are 8 and nearly 5. I am 38.

Good work life balance. Able to work part time over school hours and earn enough money.

Enjoying having a bit of time to myself.

Kids do lots of activities and dd is starting to show talent in a couple so will need even more input as time goes on.

We always said two was right for us. (And one of each sex so no pressure or desire to try out having the other sex.)

But I would rather like another snuffly snuggly baby.

But - it is not the best thing for my kids. They would lose the time we currently have for them. And they already have the experience of a sibling (and get on pretty well) so they are not losing out there.

Plus both kids were bad sleepers and didn’t sleep through until 3. What if NewBaby was worse?!?

And in 6 years I do not think having a 5 year old, a 13 year old and a 16 year old sounds ideal.

And I have had a PPH with both births now which means the odds of a third one is high. (According to my midwife I am “a bleeder”!)

So we won’t.

But I want!

freegazelle · 19/04/2018 11:16

Another 15 short years or so and maybe you'll have grandkids Grin

bigKiteFlying · 19/04/2018 11:17

I have three DC and my youngest is 8 - and we debated another one - when youngest hit 6 we were definite we didn’t want more.

The impact on exiting children is too much - not just less time and money, plus having to share a room but the impact on all the running round for clubs even days out would be harder catering for that age range.

Personally I’m enjoying things getting easier as they get older.

AlaskaSometimes · 19/04/2018 11:17

Ugh no way. I went through that when I was 39 too and my kids were the exact same age as yours. I think it’s a last gasp of biology messing with you. Now I’m about to turn 41 and so happy I don’t have a baby or toddler. We just got back from 3 weeks overseas family holidays and already planning a date night soon just us two. A baby would wreck everything.

KarmaStar · 19/04/2018 11:18

Have you asked your dp/dh what he thinks op?

3stonedown · 19/04/2018 11:19

I think it's a pretty common thought when your children start to get to that age.

But I wouldn't, your life sounds pretty great, why test it.

Lulubellee · 19/04/2018 11:20

I'm sure a lot of posters will come to say they did similar and its fab etc. because you won't ever regret having a child as such.

But I'd stick with two, I think the longing for another baby is probably a biological urge as your DC are growing up and you don't have as much 'time' left in terms of fertility.

I have a largeish age gap and find it really hard to find activities that suit both and normally it means the eldest is bored doing things suitable for my toddler. And them fitting around naps, plus the exhaustion of no sleep when the older ones need to get to school etc.

Confusedbeetle · 19/04/2018 11:22

Reading between the lines you have far too many doubts to make such a big decision

gluteustothemaximus · 19/04/2018 11:22

We went for number 3 and whilst for us it was the best decision because he is totally gorgeous and adored by everyone, I am absolutely shattered through lack of sleep.

He finally slept through last night. First night in his 2 years!!!

He shares our room.

Everything is x5. Mind you we didn't have our shit together with 2 kids, so just added to the chaos Grin

TBH it sounds like your life is way too easy and a baby would be a good challenge Grin

Bubbleandsquark · 19/04/2018 11:22

Something you might not have considered is whether you'd be happy if you had one with that age gap or whether you'd end up wanting another after.
By the time the theoretical baby was 3 your other 2 would be 12 and 14 so past "playmate" age.

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2018 11:23

I’ve just had my second at 39. It’s killing me. I adore him and I’m glad I had him but Jesus, there’s a five year gap between my kids and I’m feeling every single year. Acutely.

It’s gonna be 5/6 years before I can get back to full-time work and my full earning potential. A 34 year old body doesn’t recover that great. A 39 year old one really doesn’t.

I might be projecting... Blush

Xmasbaby11 · 19/04/2018 11:24

I wouldn't. Mine are 4 and 6 and just coming out of the preschool years is amazing. I have enough time for them, work, and a little for dh, friends and myself. Something would have to give with 3 dc. Also, money! But I've never been tempted - we feel very lucky to have 2.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/04/2018 11:25

Your life and set up sounds really nice OP.
Why change it?

PortiaFinis · 19/04/2018 11:25

I have 3 and it is wonderful (as it is to have 1 or 2 or however many).

But it did add an extra dimension of stress. The baby bit was fine but once she started needing more attention I found it harder to feel that everyone was getting what they needed. I sometimes think she suffers a bit from being left behind by her older siblings as they go off and do things she can’t and holidays become so much more of a nightmare with rooms and things and just finding something that ticks everyone’s boxes.

There are advantages and disadvantages to everything - I’m sure you could make it work, I’m sure you would love a third baby but I also think there will be times when it makes everything really bloody hard. My older two are the same age as yours and I could not go back and do it all again. I’m also not sure how the room sharing would work when your older two are teenagers and sharing with a child who is still pretty young.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2018 11:26

I was in your position and wanted a third. Dh didn't so it didn't happen. A friend of mine did go ahead (her first two were slightly older). He's lovely, lots of fun and her older two are great with him. But she would tell you not to forget how hard it can be (sleepless nights, teething, having to keep a constant eye), plus the diffiulties of having a family at such different stages. I had forgotten tb h - til we all got together with friends for an afternoon. We all sat down whilst our kids played/mooched and she spent the whole afternoon following a toddler around, dealing w nappies/naps/tantrums. Part of me will always regret not having for a third but its an increasing small bit.

Speedy85 · 19/04/2018 11:30

is it unreasonable to ask my kids to share a bedroom with a little one (depending on gender)

For me this would be the clincher. I don't think your dd would be happy sharing with a ~3/4 year old when she is 14. Teenagers need private space. If you get pregnant by accident then that is one thing but I think it would be a bad idea introducing a new child with such a big age gap unless you have a big enough house for them to have their own rooms.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/04/2018 11:34

My friend is 30, and has a 42 year old wife. She has 3 grown up children, his are 12 and 8. It causes arguments between them as she felt she was done with having children, and has raised hers, and is now back dealing with younger children. That is when he isn't even residential parent. It may sound good, but once you're older and have older children, it can be quite exhausting to have young kids around again, and you have to give up a lot, and she didn't even have to re do the baby/toddler years.