To wonder if a third child would work

[pinksplutterweasel]

If you’d have asked me three months ago whether I wanted another child, I’d have said no. For years I’ve felt my family is complete. DD has just turned 10 and DS is 8. We have a lovely life, and the kids are at a great age and we are no longer restricted with what we do. We have great holidays and have New York planned for Christmas 18. We earn well and life is good. I have been self employed since both kids were of school age and as of January, I took over my old boss’ company. I’m really lucky that I only have to work a few hours a day, Work around the kids school hours and earn about £40-45k a year. I’m going to be 39 this year - but suddenly I’m questioning whether I’m really content to never have another baby...ever. My closest friend with kids the same age as mine has just had a baby, my sister in law who is my age is expecting her second and they’d been goading me...comments such as ‘time for another for you’. And I was saying no way! Until i sat and thought about it. I’ve also just stopped taking the pill because it was making me miserable and I know if I were to fall pregnant accidentally it would be a shock but we’d find a way through it. However to commit to actively deciding to have another is a much bigger deal. I’m wondering - can I keep my business going, is it unreasonable to ask my kids to share a bedroom with a little one (depending on gender), does it put us back to square one in terms of our easy life. Or does it just add a new dimension? I feel like we are coasting at the moment ie life feels almost too easy. Is it possible to keep working a few hours a day with a tiny baby, what with a toddler? Could I use part time childcare? I wake up thinking about this and go to sleep thinking about it. I guess in a nutshell would I be taking away from Our happy life...or adding to it and making it even better

I have 3 and it’s wonderful, but with a much smaller age gap than yours. Not sure I could go back to baby days with kids your age.. but only you can decide. I always wanted 3 and we are SO happy with 3!

In 2016 we were in a similar position to you. We had a 6 year old and 9 year old, good careers, our house and garden were beautiful, we had an expensive car each, foreign holidays. We didn't want to change all that for the reasons you describe.

Then I discovered I was pregnant and it was a lot to get our heads round. However, we threw ourselves into it, researched prams and cots, sorted maternity leave, sold our lovely house and bought this big place with a 4th bedroom, the house is stuck in the 70s and the garden is just a steep wild hill .

Sadly, we lost our little boy at 22 weeks and everything seemed so pointless.

I'm now sat on the sofa with our 9 week old daughter sleeping on me and I know we couldn't be happier. I don't care about the getting up in the night, the saggy body , this bloody awful house, swapping our cars for something that'll fit the pram in the boot, having sod all money etc etc.

Our boys adore their little sister and she's worth all of it.

Only you can make the decision OP but all I would say is material possessions can be replaced one day, family comes first

I didn’t think I’d ever want another. Certainly not when mine were 4 and 6. It’s pethaps knowing the big 40 is looming and also while on the pill I didn’t have any sex drive whereas now with nature working, the closer to ovulation I get the more I want a baby.

I was your 10year old DD in this scenario. Old enough to remember life as a family of 4 and feel the full impact of becoming a family of 5 with a big age gap.

It completely changed the family dynamic in a BAD way. So much more stress in the household, parents struggling to adapt. I ended up doing way more childcare for my youngest sibling because I was a girl, including school pick ups and making tea. Plus I had to share my room with someone who was a completely different generation. I vowed never to do this to my future kids and lived out at the first available opportunity. It significantly impacted on my relationship with my parents.

Your life sounds lovely, don't fuck it up!

I read it as I've also just stopped taking the pill because it was making me miserable and I know if I were I want to fall pregnant accidentally

My older dc are (just turned) 10 and 8 and dc3 is 11 months. Dc3 was completely unplanned and we wouldn't have decided on a third! But we are now very glad we have him.

Overall, he's fitted in well and a lot of the things I'd worried about (in terms of the impact on dc1 and 2) have been fine in reality. Things like activities for the older ones - he just comes too and spends the time breastfeeding or playing with a toy on my knee or (now) crawling and toddling round with me following behind him. We've been to several theme parks and 'big' days out - it's fine too, the four of us still go on all the big rides but we use the parent swap so do 2x2.

We already had a 7 seater anyway so car wise has been no change. We've been to several hotels and still fit in a family room with travel cot so again no change - but this obviously will in future.

The older dc are brilliant with the baby and dote on him. And tbh I'm not concerned about having too many clubs and school activities - by the time dc3 is old enough, dc1 will be a couple of years into comp and taking himself back and forth to school and local activities.

There are obviously changes and life is a lot more busy and organisation is key - but a lot of my big worries have been unfounded.

The older dc have to keep more of their stuff in their rooms, away from living spaces - things that are a choking hazard or could be broken - but tbh having fewer bits of Lego and match attax strewn everywhere has been no loss to me!

Only you know how it will affect your life personally though - but it's not by any means horrific as some pp's suggest

I have a 7 month old, don’t do it. I think you’re forgetting how hard day to day life is with a baby. Personally I don’t know how anyone has more than one, I feel traumatised so maybe my opinion is a little clouded haha!
You say you have a lovely life now, you have your own business and can have nice holidays. I’m not saying you can’t have those things with a third child but it would probably put things on hold for a while. Definitely think it through, especially with such an age gap, you’re just getting your life back and if you have a third baby you’ll just be starting again at the beginning.

It’s a no for me!

Also if you’ve come off the pill then getting pregnant ‘accidntally’ shouldn’t come as a shock. Unless you’re using condoms or something else, generally if you’re not on the pill you’re quite likely to get pregnant, so it wouldn’t be accidentally would it.

I would be horrified to be pregnant again.

My 3rd didn't sleep for more than a (rare) 2 hour stretch (more often 45 minutes) until he was two and a half years old. That is very hard to combine with older children's schedules and work. My older 2 were pretty good sleepers, not remarkably good but sleeping through most of the time by 12 months... I was not expecting it and survived mainly on sugar instead of sleep. I think I aged 10 years in 2.5 years as well as putting a lot of weight on and being far more irritable and irrational due to sleep deprivation.

I adore him, he's the sweetest, funniest 7 year old, but those 2.5 years nearly killed me...

Just food for thought...

My first two are the same age as yours, third is 4. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage for all the gold in the world. Life is sooo easy with no pushchair, no nappies, no naps, no having to supervise every second for eaten buttons/Playmobil, no wrangling a squirmy toddler while bigger ones get changed for swimming etc. But that's me, not you!

What if it’s twins?

Totally not. I stopped it as I was as getting migraines, such a drop in hormones just before my period I would spend a day in bed and boobs so sore I would cry taking my bra off. The coil gave me constant bleeding and contraction like period pains. I think since I posted this (and having spent a few days taking care of my toddler niece) my mind is made up. I’m happy just us. Babies are lovely and all but they become harder work and I don’t think it would be fair on my two (one of each) who I love so much already. It was good to think about it though.

Teenagers need private space. Your dd will be doing her GCSEs in 6 years, and as soon as she starts secondary school will have end of year exams every year. She'll need a private, quiet place to revise.

I speak for experience, my mother had another daughter when I was 11 and my brother was 8. I ended up having to share with my little sister, and I really resented her and my parents for taking away my private, quiet place. She disrupted my sleep, and I ended up moving out when I was 16 because I couldn't deal with it any more.

I don't have a relationship with her at all - there's too much of an age gap. I see her at Christmas and that's about it.