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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this wasn't really necessary of the Ex Wife?

68 replies

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 10:48

I've NC'd for this and will try to keep it brief.
DP and I been together 3 years, his ex wife and he separated 4 years ago (NOT the other woman)

DP and his ex are going through the initial stages of divorce.(She wouldn't do it before two years separation)

I have stayed out of this as it's very much instigated by DP, he left her and it was not a 'bolt out the blue' by any means.

ExW and I have never really spoken, we have nothing really to do with each other.

Yesterday DP told me that he had messaged her asking if she had signed the initial divorce papers to which she replied;

' tell Basil I did it yesterday'

There was a bit more back and forth about it, (he did not pull her up on bringing my name into it in any way) and she then said:

'I can send Basil screenshots if she'd like? '

WTF???? I've never once messaged, spoke to, or even hinted at being involved in the divorce to her - why is she bringing my name into it??

The thing that hurts the most is DP didn't say anything in response.

It was just ignored, the messages just go from her saying these things to him asking practical questions about forms etc as if it never happened.

He said he was going to once the practical side of things was sorted and he'd spoken to me about it, but I can't help feeling the moment had passed.

I'm just hurt, not just that she bought me into it, but that DP didn't stand up for me.
I feel a bit used and alone. We had a discussion, which escalated into a row and now we're not really talking.

AIBU that this was unnecessary of her and that it would have been good if my DP put her right in a calm, mature way?

Any constructive advice would be so welcome at this point.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 19/04/2018 12:12

I would bet money that he’s told her that you are becoming impatient And that you’ve been saying nasty things about her as well
I have to say that I would tend to agree with the first part. It is very likely that he said something when he contacted her about starting the divorce that you're the one keen on making it happen, maybe adding that you have been talking about weddings. It might have made it easier for him to bring it up.

Her response was therefore lightheaded and he didn't respond because in the context of what he said, he could really say you had nothing to do with it.

Who cares though? Why are you getting so upset about it? Is it because indeed, you are the one pushing it because deep inside, you hope to get married soon? Either way, it certainly shouldn't have affected you as it seems to have done. He's your man now, he's moved on, don't let insecurities get in the way, men hate this because it makes them always feel on edge. You should have laughed about it rather than start an argument. I bet he is now thinking that he won't be sharing such matters with you, until you find out and complain that he is being secretive.

ittakes2 · 19/04/2018 12:16

She sounds bitter - I think your partner was right not to engage with her - it would just give her the attention from him she is looking for. She probably is imagining that you want the divorce so he can remarry you. I would just let it go if I was you - the divorce has probably made some of her feelings come to the surface again.

dejectedharry · 19/04/2018 12:16

Agree with PP it sounds like she was trying to get a reaction. Especially since she followed it up with another dig at you. Your DP definitely did the best thing by not rising to it and she may be quietly seething at not getting a reaction.

OohMavis · 19/04/2018 12:21

He did the right thing in not rising to the bait, well done him!

I bet it left her feeling rather silly.

Good on you for apologising OP. Don't let this stuff get to you.

Spaghettijumper · 19/04/2018 12:25

Why are you even aware that she said those things? Your DP should be dealing with this on his own and you shouldn't even know that she said anything about you - there would be no reason for your DP to let you know that.

Your reaction tells me on some level you might be aware that he's pulling your strings for some reason?

lunar1 · 19/04/2018 13:49

She's the difficult ex and you are the nagging girlfriend. How does he keep hold of the wooden spoon while polishing his halo?

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 15:07

Thank you for that useful piece of advice lunar, I shall be sure to take it on board. Take care now.

OP posts:

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 15:09

Thank you to everyone else who has posted, some really good points and advice and the reason I knew it was a good idea to brave it post on AIBU.

OP posts:

Catspaws · 19/04/2018 15:10

I don't think the EXW should have said what she did but also if your DP had brought her up on it it would have a) given her the reaction she wanted and b) probably caused a fight at an already fraught time. She sounds like a silly, immature cow. Just be glad they're now done and move on!

Bluelady · 19/04/2018 15:14

The best thing to do with provocative people is not react. It drives them mad when you just ignore their behaviour. Sounds like your DP is a very wise man.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/04/2018 15:23

Poor OP, accepted advice really quickly, taken it all on board and still going to get repeats of the same thing for another couple of pages

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 15:31

mykingdom I don't mind it's nice to know there's a consensus!

OP posts:

LakieLady · 19/04/2018 15:33

I understand why you feel like that but I think provocative ex-wives are best ignored tbh.

It's my DP's birthday today. He's just got a text from his ex saying "Happy birthday, hope you have a lovely day. It would be good to have a chat some time. x"

We had a bit of a giggle about him texting her back along the lines of "My day was fine until you contacted me, now fuck off", but the thought of doing something like that was sufficiently amusing not to need to to take it any further.

Ignoring her will rattle her much more.

MiddleAgedMe · 19/04/2018 16:38

He did the right thing, she was trying to pull him back in but he wasn't letting it happen. Go and give him a big hug, say sorry that you didn't quite get it at the time and then get on with your lives :)

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 17:15

@lakielady I need your strength!

Thank you all, just waiting for him to get back from work.

OP posts:

GibbousMoon · 19/04/2018 17:36

IT's tempting to know what is going on between DP and ex-to-be but really it would be better for you not to know. If you don't know you can't get stressed about it.
You could tell DP you dont' want to hear what she is saying, a general summary of how things are progressing would be enough if you must have some info.

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 19:02

That's a really good idea gibbous and I think one I will start utilising. We're both very honest and open, but maybe some things I'm better off not hearing.
Thank you.

OP posts:

SnorkFavour · 20/04/2018 12:47

Op, his ignoring her comment was honestly the BEST thing he could have possibly done.

Him defending you will mean that her dig at you would have been successful. She intended to annoy and cause trouble and him not acknowledging it at all would be the most irritating thing for her and she'll probably feel a bit silly too.

In future, the absolute best way to deal with her would be to never, ever engage, no matter what she says. That would be far more annoying to her than him defending you or getting into an argument (or even you defending yourself).

If you don't mention it at all, it looks like you're just not bothered and have both moved on :)

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