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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wasn't really necessary of the Ex Wife?

68 replies

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 10:48

I've NC'd for this and will try to keep it brief.
DP and I been together 3 years, his ex wife and he separated 4 years ago (NOT the other woman)

DP and his ex are going through the initial stages of divorce.(She wouldn't do it before two years separation)

I have stayed out of this as it's very much instigated by DP, he left her and it was not a 'bolt out the blue' by any means.

ExW and I have never really spoken, we have nothing really to do with each other.

Yesterday DP told me that he had messaged her asking if she had signed the initial divorce papers to which she replied;

' Grin tell Basil I did it yesterday'

There was a bit more back and forth about it, (he did not pull her up on bringing my name into it in any way) and she then said:

'I can send Basil screenshots if she'd like? Grin'

WTF???? I've never once messaged, spoke to, or even hinted at being involved in the divorce to her - why is she bringing my name into it??

The thing that hurts the most is DP didn't say anything in response.

It was just ignored, the messages just go from her saying these things to him asking practical questions about forms etc as if it never happened.

He said he was going to once the practical side of things was sorted and he'd spoken to me about it, but I can't help feeling the moment had passed.

I'm just hurt, not just that she bought me into it, but that DP didn't stand up for me.
I feel a bit used and alone. We had a discussion, which escalated into a row and now we're not really talking.

Sad

AIBU that this was unnecessary of her and that it would have been good if my DP put her right in a calm, mature way?

Any constructive advice would be so welcome at this point.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 19/04/2018 11:20

She probably believes that you want the divorce and maybe he has given that impression but who knows. He is divorcing her though and considering that she is a stranger why would you care what she thinks or (more likely) wants to think? I don't get why you are annoyed with him either.

isthismylifenow · 19/04/2018 11:21

It sounds to me like she was provoking him to reply in a certain way, ie to defend you, so that she has a bit of leeway to get into an unnecessary discussion/argument. She was married to him, she clearly knows what buttons to push.

I think his no reaction was the very best in this situation.

But she got her way in the end didn't she though OP.......

DiamondsBestFriend · 19/04/2018 11:22

I am going to go against the grain here slightly and say that I think it’s more likely that your dp is gaslighting you both.

So he’s been telling you that the ex whom you have never met or spoken to is a very difficult person. Then he tells you that she has made some comment about you when he asked about signing the divorce papers and has relayed that comment back to you. Why? If he ignored it then why does he feel the need to emphasise again how difficult she is and how she’s having a go at you?

I would bet money that he’s told her that you are becoming impatient And that you’ve been saying nasty things about her as well.

My ex has done exactly this. Had a conversation with me about how difficult she is and how difficult his current dp is and how difficult she makes his life etc etc etc. To be fair she is an incredibly difficult person which I do know first hand, however I then got a message from her a couple of months later saying that if I’d like to keep slagging her off then I could do it to her face rather than ringing my ex to constantly do so. It was all based on complete packs of lies that he had told her about me ringing him constantly at work to have a go at her and all the names I called her etc etc.

No idea why he felt the need to do it but there you have it.

I am always very dubious about these bitter twisted ex’s where there is no first-hand experience but purely the deliveries of the new partners as to the awful things they have said and done.

LaurieMarlow · 19/04/2018 11:22

I think he's probably doing the right thing by not engaging with her on it tbh.

Agreed. Don't get involved in her games.

HoneyBadger32 · 19/04/2018 11:30

I think he was daft for telling you to be fair.

Original poster
BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 11:32

@diamond - I understand why you're saying that, but there really is a lot more to it than in my OP that I didn't include as I didn't want to overcomplicate things.

She did get her way in the end Sad

I've messaged apologising and we'll have a talk tonight about how to deal with her going forward. Ugh. Just can't wait for it to be done tbh.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/04/2018 11:32

Agree he did the right thing.

I imagine he's learned how best to not rise to nonsense... She will have come away from that feeling she made a bit of a fool of herself - while he simply kept both of you, as a couple, completely closed off from her.

She will have wanted him to rise to it - to start talking about you, to give her an 'in' to your relationship. He kept the door firmly slammed and let her comment hang in the air, making it clear that she was the one bothered... not him.

So yep give him a buzz and give him a hug!

Original poster
BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 11:33

Thank you fizzy and I will.

OP posts:
GrannyGrissle · 19/04/2018 11:36

She is understandably upset and hurting. Even if they seperated years ago it will all be being dragged up for her again re the divorce. She is hitting out.
DP is being an adult and not rising to the bait. He is being sensible and kind to her. I suggest you cut her some slack and ignore it- You are not 15 years old presumably so what does it matter?

Original poster
BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 11:38

granny no I'm not 15 thanks, and neither is she. Confused

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 19/04/2018 11:39

It is a bit of a drawn out process Basil, not going to deny it. (going through divorce atm)

It is not easy for you either, but there is at least a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel for your relationship going forward now.

Original poster
BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 11:42

Thank you isthismylifenow

I think DP is a bit naieve with how long it can take sometimes, seems to think because there's nothing left to sort out it'll all be done and dusted in 6 months - which can't be true can it? Confused

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/04/2018 11:43

Yep Diamond has a point. You know him OP... but either way, he did right to not start a conversation/argument with her ABOUT YOU when you weren't there.

Crinkle77 · 19/04/2018 11:44

Yeah I agree with the others. He is best to ignore her as she is deliberately looking for a rise. If he gets angry with her she may also use it in the divorce to paint him as the bad person.

MegMez · 19/04/2018 11:44

I think he's doing the right thing. Sounds like she's trying to wind him up, stir things and be catty. He's risen above, not taken the bait and is acting like a grown up just dealing with it on a practical level.

My husband had a baby with an ex when we got together and that was hard to have extra people in the relationship but we all had to get along for his daughter and now 11 years later everything's lovely and normal.

Stormy76 · 19/04/2018 11:48

Sounds like she is goading him and he is doing the right thing by ignoring it. This must be how she operates and he knows that if he wants the divorce the best thing to do is just ignore it and get the divorce then deal with her......if it's even necessary to because she just sounds bitter and jealous.

Whisperquietly · 19/04/2018 11:48

I think your DP did the right thing refusing to be drawn into an argument.

You have played into ex W’s hands by rowing over it.

As a completely independent person I can see this. In reality, I would probably have done exactly the same as you. Flowers

LeighaJ · 19/04/2018 11:50

It sounds like she was just trying to bait him into an argument because she's still bitter he left her. I think it was wise for him to ignore rather than take the bait.

isthismylifenow · 19/04/2018 11:51

It can be Basil, if it is straightforward divorce. I have my date for next month but this is from October last year, and a straightforward settlement. If there is mediation, financial disputes etc, it can take so much longer.

Granny, can I just say that this isn't a normal thing to do in my experience. Yes, of course it will be bringing it to the surface again, but that was a little bit of an unfair comment to make to OP. Of course it affects her as well.

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 11:53

tbh your DP probably handled it the best way by ignoring her tbh, she's trying to wind him/you up and not succeeding (that she knows about anyway :P ) That's the best way to handle petty shit like that.

Bippitybopityboo · 19/04/2018 11:53

She's hurting.
She's being petty.
IMO your dp did the right thing by completely ignoring it.

kateandme · 19/04/2018 11:54

i think it will be a lovely message to receive if you completely level an olive branch out to your dc.saying uv thought bout it and actually him not reacting was strong and lovely.becasue he didn't bow to her torch paper.he didn't react.and in doing so kept your name strong kept you both in the right and dignified.let him no levels of emotion were high on both sides.becasue hes your man now.shes doing anything to hut that or ease her own hurt.

e1y1 · 19/04/2018 11:56

Yes, “he’ll hath no fury like a woman scorned”

He isn’t engaging, he just wants the divorce, and isn’t giving her any ammunition for an argument/evidence of unreasonable behaviour or to make the divorce difficult.

Once he is “free and clear” so to speak, he probably will pull her up on her behaviour.

e1y1 · 19/04/2018 11:56

*hell

fia101 · 19/04/2018 12:04

Ex was obviously cursing for argument. Rise above it

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