AIBU, or is SIL the unreasonable one?

[muminthemaking]

As with all ILs, this is is a touchy subject and need some unbiased opinions please. Apologies for long post!

Some background info first. My SIL and I were pregnant at same time, she was a bit further on. I miscarried our fist baby a few months before she was due. I was heartbroken and very depressed. Took over a year for me to function again.

Meanwhile SIL had her baby. I was happy to be an aunt, but also coping with the loss of my first child. Still, would put on a brave face and visit, even babysat for them a few times. Her LO is an angel, and when I was around I would be happy and play with the baby, didn't want to have my cloud of gloom around the child. Every time I did though I would just be more depressed thinking how my baby should be there too playing with her cousin.

Tried explaining a few times how I felt, didn't want her to feel hurt if I didn't spend as much time as she would like around her baby, but it's quite hard to have a serious conversation with her in general. She just likes to "wind up" people, and wants everything to be fun and happy 24/7. So anytime I would go "there" she would quickly change the subject to other things, usually what milestones her baby was reaching, or the things her baby had done, or showing me cute baby photos. For my own sanity I had to take time for myself for a while and only seen them occasionally when I felt emotionally strong enough.

Eventually I started feeling better, and would try to arrange to go for lunch, or do things with her and the baby, but she was usually fully booked for weeks, even though she was on maternity leave So would just see them at my PILs and family gatherings.

Now here's the "who is being unreasonable?" bit. I'm pregnant again. Have had a difficult pregnancy with a few scares and basically been on bedrest most of the time. SIL has started saying that my husband and I hardly see her baby, and she wants us to have a relationship with her child. Fair enough, so do we actually. Thing is, every time I've tried to arrange something in the past, or since being pregnant again invited her up to my house, always at any time and date it suits her because I'm stuck at home, she is too busy, has something else planned, or won't bother replying to my texts. I know she's near my home a lot because she's always checking in places on facebook around where I live, so it's not a question of my house being out of the way for her.

Now she's started making my husband (her brother) feel guilty, phoning him when he's just back home, even in the middle of dinner to complain that we don't see her child enough. He has visited them after work sometimes, which means he doesn't get home until at least 8pm those days.

My issue is that since feeling less depressed we tried to arrange to see them, but SIL more often than not is too busy. And now that we have our baby on the way, I'm concerned she's going to put more pressure on my husband to go and see her child at times when it suits her (by the looks of it after a long day at work), when quite soon he will be a dad himself and the baby he should be spending the little time he has after work during the week is his own.

So AIBU? If I am you can say so, just be nice about it pls!

YANBU.
She sounds completely self absorbed and has no clue nor cares about your circunstances.
Your dp needs to tell her a few home truths and that although her kid is important to you both it doesnt come before you and dhs personal life. Oh and ask her if she knows what bed rest actually means and how important it is to you and babys health?

Spell it out to her or this is going to continue once your baby is here (i suspect she will up the ante once your baby us born too as its going to take a bit of the limelight from her) She obviously thinks her kid is the most important person in everyone's lives, she needs to realise it isnt. I have never experienced someone constantly nagging people to come and see thier child "now" "come now on my terms, but i cannot be bothered to make time for you personally". Its batshit!
Good luck.

YANBU and so sorry you lost your first baby :( What does she sau when you say that she tells you she's busy everytime you try to see her?

Honestly I don't understand the whole you need to spend time with my child thing anyway (I know that's not what you're asking but anyway)

I wouldn't bother spelling it out to her, but I'd spell it out to your DH - pretty much just as you've written it here. End with:

'I'm getting pissed off with this and no way am I going to be ok with a situation where your sister decides she needs to come first a couple of evenings a week with us expecting and then having our own baby. Please spell it out to her that a. you're busy in the evenings and will NOT be making time after work and b. we have plenty of free time we've offered her, if seeing us is important, she will prioritise times we've suggested every now and again and we can all meet.'

What's happening here is probably a bit of muscle flexing by SIL as she sees her bro's new family becoming a concrete thing, new baby, she's not part of it - so she's just making sure she can still whistle and he'll come. No - he won't. But HE needs to be the one to tell her that.

I would just say...
'look... please stop putting pressure on us to see you and baby, you seem to have forgotten all the times I have tried to do this and you either ignore my messages or can't make it. If you want me to show you the texts/FB msgs to prove this I will. I'm sure we'll catch up some time or other but now I'm pregnant my priorities have changed a bit and we're both going to be busy with our LO obviously. If you fancy bringing over DN any time, please do, but I can't keep messaging you and getting rebuffed.'

She sounds very odd. Why is she demanding so much attention and time? Does she not have a partner? Friends?

Your DH needs to have a word with her. Explain that she has been invited multiple times and turned it down, that you're on bed rest and that you both need to focus on your own family now. So back the fuck off!

Good luck, hope the rest of your pregnancy is easier.

He needs to tell her to back off. It's her own fault you don't much of them as she's always too busy. She cannot have it her own way, not being available and complain that there's no contact.
Then invite her over next Saturday. If she says she's not available, then tough shit, and this is exactly what you mean.

Yanbu,she sounds shallow,self centres and demanding.

What does she say when you point out she is always too busy?

She sounds a bit thick, tbh. It's all about her, her baby, her brother, her feelings! Some people are like that and there's no point trying to change her. Make sure your OH understands how you feel and just dial down the drama in this situation. Once you've had your baby it might all come together a bit easier. Hope so! Best wishes for the birth xx

You need to get your DH on board.

You both need to say, "yes we'd love to see you, but whenever we suggest it, you are busy, or you don't reply". Repeat each time.

Wait for her to arrange a time suitable for all of you. Or keep your distance as she sounds like a PITA.

Good luck with your baby.

Thanks for all the replies. Really needed other people's perspective on this. Had started to think pregnancy hormones were making me a bit too sensitive!

**Trinity66 When she gives her excuses I usually say something on the lines of "that's a shame, haven't seen DN for ages since I can't get out, must be so big now! You know you are welcome to pop round whenever you want (insert sweet smile)". Guiltripping isn't my style, but two can play this game so starting to use it a bit.

**FizzyGreenWater tried spelling it to DH when we started trying for a baby, just knew she would turn the ante up once we had a baby on the way. Didn't go too well, he couldn't see she tends to use guilt to have others do what she wants. Guess he doesn't see it after so many years. Did learn what doesn't work though, and can use a different tactic in future.

**GreenFingersWouldBeHandy She's married and has friends. But for some reason her husband and family walk on eggshells around her, and always want to keep her happy. Over the years I've been piecing bits of information together and seems she was quite difficult as a child/teenager, so others just seem to accept her demands. I come from quite a laid back family with no need for eggshell walking, so I refuse to do it. I am polite and diplomatic when possible, but it's got to a point where it might be quite obvious to my SIL that I don't find her bringing down other people for fun (most of the time my DH or her DH) amusing, so probably not her preferred choice of company.

**Trippedupagain SIL is quite a bit younger than DH and I, and had a very sheltered upbringing, maybe that's part of it. But it definitely is all about having the attention back on her. Sometimes I don't even think it's about her DC at all, I think the child is being used more as a means to an end in this case. An excuse to have my DH do what she wants, to try and regain some power over him, which she slowly lost since we got together.

Trying to keep calm about this and waiting mostly until our baby is born before doing much about it, unnecessary upset and drama during pregnancy are good for no-one. But had to vent! Obviously if it gets really out of hand will bring it up with DH trying to be as drama free as possible. Plus she always chooses to bring this up with him after a long day. He has an emotionally draining job, so not fair on him to discuss this touchy subject when he's mentally and physically exhausted. Would rather be the reasonable wife vs demanding sister.

At first I would ask her up over the phone. Have started doing it by text so I have proof if needed. That way I can say to my DH "but I've asked her up so many times, look (pointing to phone). I don't know why she doesn't want to come up". And then take the conversation on from there.

But all hell will be let loose if she interferes with my DH spending time with his own DC. Already turning into a bit of a mama bear, guessing it'll be even more so once the little on is here!

I bet the dn doesn't give a flying fig if you visit or not.
Sil is an attention seeker.
Your attention is best spent to dh +your own dc.
Let dh sort her out but you are busy!!

Why do you need proof for your DH? Shouldn’t he have your back?

His sister is a selfish dick. She barely acknowledged your first baby, and not only that, then gibbered on selfishly and relentlessly about her own baby rather than trying to have a bit of compassion and at least try to understand how you were feeling.
Now, despite it being a difficult pregnancy and also hard for you because of your first baby, she is causing unnecessary stress and upsetting you, deliberately and everyone’s dancing round her? Fuck that. I cannot emphasise this strongly enough, fuck fuck fuck fuck that.

In short, your man needs to tell her to back the fuck off. Or he needs to let you do it and have your back, like partners/husbands/wives are meant to do.

I’m very sorry about your first baby and congratulations on your happy news

phoning him when he's just back home, even in the middle of dinner to complain that we don't see her child enough.

Let her calls go to voicemail, and ghost her. You've got plenty on your plate already, and you don't have the time or headspace to deal with a needy child wanting you to go around and say "ooh!" at her Christmas presents. She isn't going to supportive to you or your child, and the sort of "support" she wants is basically face-to-facebook likes. Leave her to it for a year, have your baby, invite her her to christening/first birthday/whatever. She sounds incredibly hard work.

That’s what I get for skim reading! Sorry I didn’t catch that you hadn’t told him, in which case I’d say you should. He’d probably be horrified at his twat of a sister!

The most important thing right now is not to get yourself wound up about it, look after yourself and your baby and don't let her stress you out!

You are so not being unreasonable. You are aunt and uncle to her children not bloody parents. I lOST a baby 5 years ago at 16 weeks. I refused to go to my nephews communion as I could not set foot in a church. If I’d been fed this shit I would have probably killed someone!
You can have a relationship with her children seeing them occasionally. X

Sorry didn’t mean those capital letters! Not sure where they came from x

mum show him this thread and what you wrote in your first post. I think you put it really well. Maybe if he reads the words on how you feel it might be different.

But you must switch off from her and try and relax. Don’t get involved with a tug of war with her. Hopefully your husband will see how you feel and put your emotions and feelings in to top priority

What was she like before her pregnancy?

FizzyGreenWater Thu 19-Apr-18 10:29:52

I wouldn't bother spelling it out to her, but I'd spell it out to your DH - pretty much just as you've written it here. End with:

'I'm getting pissed off with this and no way am I going to be ok with a situation where your sister decides she needs to come first a couple of evenings a week with us expecting and then having our own baby. Please spell it out to her that a. you're busy in the evenings and will NOT be making time after work and b. we have plenty of free time we've offered her, if seeing us is important, she will prioritise times we've suggested every now and again and we can all meet.'

What's happening here is probably a bit of muscle flexing by SIL as she sees her bro's new family becoming a concrete thing, new baby, she's not part of it - so she's just making sure she can still whistle and he'll come. No - he won't. But HE needs to be the one to tell her that.

I totally agree with this, and came on to say so. You say you are finding your Mama Bear. Good. From your updates, it looks like your DH is used to giving in to his sister for a quiet life and to avoid any trouble caused by upsetting her. Your Mama Bear is important here, your DH needs to realise that upsetting you will cause more trouble than upsetting his sister.

**Aprilmightbemynewname DN is a young toddler so yeah, doesn't give a fig (love that one) about who's there or not.

**KT63 DH has a problem saying "no" to people in general, and likes to keep the peace. So that's part of the problem. Plus SIL knows how to push his buttons.

**KeneftYakimoski Have accidentally on purpose put our landline on silent in the past to get some peace, but she will ring his mobile until it drives him crazy. He can't stand a phone ringing. On the other hand I have no problem ignoring a phonecall if it's a bad time. Now I leave the landline on and try to get to it first. When I do, l usually tell her we're in the middle of dinner (even if we haven't started yet), and no it's not a good time for her DB to talk. Nothing can be that urgent that he has to stop. Sometimes if he can't get to his mobile I've, with his permission, answered it for him

She also is very selfish. She asked us to babysit on the anniversary of my miscarriage. She did this in front of a third party I had just met and who didn't know what had happened. Obviously I said no and reminded her that it was the anniversary of the loss of someone very much loved and missed by my husband and I (none of the third party's busines what had happened) in case she had forgotten. So no, would not be babysitting that day or any other day in the week before or after. I basically told her by words and tone of voice to f off, and stared her out until she apologised (she never apologises).

I'm gathering the evidence if needed in future. I do casually mention to DH the last instance in which I've invited her over any time this whole thing rears its head.

but she will ring his mobile until it drives him crazy.

He can set his phone to either block her calls or route them straight to voicemail.

She asked us to babysit on the anniversary of my miscarriage.

Why are you speaking to her at all? She sounds absolutely awful. Does she have redeeming features?

It sounds as if she’s jealous that the limelight will soon be on you and is trying to control you both. You need to put up a united front and I like Rousette’s message. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.