AIBU, or is SIL the unreasonable one?

[muminthemaking]

As with all ILs, this is is a touchy subject and need some unbiased opinions please. Apologies for long post!

Some background info first. My SIL and I were pregnant at same time, she was a bit further on. I miscarried our fist baby a few months before she was due. I was heartbroken and very depressed. Took over a year for me to function again.

Meanwhile SIL had her baby. I was happy to be an aunt, but also coping with the loss of my first child. Still, would put on a brave face and visit, even babysat for them a few times. Her LO is an angel, and when I was around I would be happy and play with the baby, didn't want to have my cloud of gloom around the child. Every time I did though I would just be more depressed thinking how my baby should be there too playing with her cousin.

Tried explaining a few times how I felt, didn't want her to feel hurt if I didn't spend as much time as she would like around her baby, but it's quite hard to have a serious conversation with her in general. She just likes to "wind up" people, and wants everything to be fun and happy 24/7. So anytime I would go "there" she would quickly change the subject to other things, usually what milestones her baby was reaching, or the things her baby had done, or showing me cute baby photos. For my own sanity I had to take time for myself for a while and only seen them occasionally when I felt emotionally strong enough.

Eventually I started feeling better, and would try to arrange to go for lunch, or do things with her and the baby, but she was usually fully booked for weeks, even though she was on maternity leave So would just see them at my PILs and family gatherings.

Now here's the "who is being unreasonable?" bit. I'm pregnant again. Have had a difficult pregnancy with a few scares and basically been on bedrest most of the time. SIL has started saying that my husband and I hardly see her baby, and she wants us to have a relationship with her child. Fair enough, so do we actually. Thing is, every time I've tried to arrange something in the past, or since being pregnant again invited her up to my house, always at any time and date it suits her because I'm stuck at home, she is too busy, has something else planned, or won't bother replying to my texts. I know she's near my home a lot because she's always checking in places on facebook around where I live, so it's not a question of my house being out of the way for her.

Now she's started making my husband (her brother) feel guilty, phoning him when he's just back home, even in the middle of dinner to complain that we don't see her child enough. He has visited them after work sometimes, which means he doesn't get home until at least 8pm those days.

My issue is that since feeling less depressed we tried to arrange to see them, but SIL more often than not is too busy. And now that we have our baby on the way, I'm concerned she's going to put more pressure on my husband to go and see her child at times when it suits her (by the looks of it after a long day at work), when quite soon he will be a dad himself and the baby he should be spending the little time he has after work during the week is his own.

So AIBU? If I am you can say so, just be nice about it pls!

She asked us to babysit on the anniversary of my miscarriage

That is a deliberate and unbelievably cruel thing to do.

I get what you mean OP, my DP can be a people pleaser. Only because he wants to keep everyone happy. I have to say though, I think in this instance he needs to blow up at his sister. She needs to know she cannot bully you any longer, her behaviour is very cruel.

Inspired by threads on here I recently went NC with toxic members of my family. Mum died last year, and Dad and my uncle (Mum’s brother) the only ones I speak to. After unforgivable behaviour from my brother and SIL and pretty shitty stuff from various aunts, uncles and cousins in the aftermath I made the decision to just withdraw. No drama, no fighting, just no contact at all. And my god my MH has improved more than I can tell you.

What is most important here is that stress and distress especially is minimal for you, you’re pregnant, you’re grieving and you deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and newborn without all this shit.

**Norma27 I'm so sorry, it must have been dreadful You did right not going to the communion. I refused to go to the babyshower. And got no gifts since trying to go near a baby shop would reduce me to tears.

**TorviBrightspear Agreed, DH will do anything for a happy quiet life. That's why I'm venting here, and trying to remain calm about the whole thing until baby arrives. Within reason. That way he knows how nice it is to have a drama free peaceful and quiet home. If this continues after the baby arrives the mother of all mama bears will come out and he will have to stand up to his sister for the sake of having a peaceful home. Hopefully his paternal instinct will kick in before that and will prioritise his child. He does dote on me and the bump, but his sister has some sort of weird control over him.

**Birdsgottafly Before SILs pregnancy and before my DH and I met, she wanted him up to visit her a couple of times a week after work once she married, which is when she ledt home. Apparently he did until we got more serious and I found out. Once we were more serious he would come to my flat on the days he would have ususally went to her house, until we married. Once she was pregnant she was trying to use it as a means to get him to be there again during the week. Didn't work then. A question for those with brothers (actual brothers, not sisters) is that a normal thing sisters expect from brothers?

She sounds self-absorbed, like the world should revolve around her and her child.

Your husband needs to be more firm with her when she plays these childish games because that's what it sounds like, just a game to her.

Neither you nor your husband need the stress she's manufacturing.

A question for those with brothers (actual brothers, not sisters) is that a normal thing sisters expect from brothers?

No. It's deranged.

**KeneftYakimoski The rest of my ILs are nice people, and stopping contact would just be too much drama. And don't want this to cause a rift between DH and I.

To be honest, I couldn't care less about her need for drama and center stage. Not my problem. And she's probably the one getting upset the most by not getting what she wants. Hence why she acts out. Unfortunately it affects my DH, and his way of handling it could affect his relationship with his own baby.

Once baby is born I can just tell her to f off if needed, while baby is in I will remain calm.

**KT63 so sorry you had to resort to that but I agree, sometimes is the best. Had to do the dame with a childhood friend who was quite toxic. Quite a few did the same with her and everyone is happier now. Not easy but feels good after a while.

It seems clear that it is not you she wants to see, it's your DH. That's why she's always busy when you try to make arrangements but free to see him.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

**KeneftYakimoski Don't have brothers so thought I may had been missing something! Good to know, thanks.

@muminthemaking thank you. It’s not easy is it? I’m sorry you had to do the same with your childhood friend. It is tough, but worth it. Being around my brother made me someone I neither like nor recognise, and without outing myself his behaviour was utterly unforgivable and I cannot be around him.

I honestly do think you should tell your DH what’s happening. I know you’re worried about his stress levels but I’d want to know if DP was having a horrible time and I’d be gutted if he felt he couldn’t tell me.

muminthemaking good grief no that's not what sisters generally expect from brothers. Have a somewhat difficult relationship with DH's sister myself and recognise some of the dynamics in play. My other SIL has been indulged like yours and I've learned that you need to set boundaries and be friendly but absolutely firm about them.

So sorry for your loss . Please look after yourself. Being pregnant after losing a much wanted baby brings its own stresses, so you really don't need the drama.

YANBU, definitely not.

**bonnyshide after reading your post, it's going to end up being that. Hence the drama, cancellations and wanting DH there after work

**CharlieParley. Thank you. Maybe some SILs get possessive of their brothers when there is another woman in their lives.

I find it a bit weird that a sister would be possessive over a brother when he met a partner. It’s not like the two relationships are similar or there’s competition is it?

Just see her at the IL events, be pleasant, if she says anything aimed at your perceived lack of contact, do a vacuous stare/smile and repeat over and over “you know I’ve teied, Gertrude”.
And tell your husband you will just see her at family events from now on.

Basically, ignore her politely because there’s nothing worth salvaging here. She stresses you out, your given her too much time and thought and it’s time to zone out. Your time is not a renewable source and she isn’t worth it.

You need to mentally switch off from this and focus on your health. Don't engage in the drama. Let DH deal with it and if he wants to visit her then so be it.

I have a brother and don't see him more than a few times a year. DP has a sister and we usually only see her at PILs. So I too think it's weird that she has this hold over him.

I like the idea of close siblings, but it's never really worked for us, none of us really have anything in common. That said if any of mine or DP's siblings called to say they needed something we would try our best to do it, but going over multiple times a week every week would be too much and not happen!

I was on strict bedrest with DS2 and I know that unfortunately it gives you too darned much time on your hands for 'what ifs'. But for now, I'd try to let go of the 'what if' as far as DH's future attention on DN. No sense worrying about what hasn't happened. I have a feeling the focus of your DH's attention is going to be laser pointed at your own child. You need to concentrate on yourself and your baby and try to de-stress as much as you can.

As far as SiL, tell her if she wants you or DH to see DN she needs to arrange a time to drop by your place as she's so busy and DH needs to be at home to help you out whilst you're on bedrest.

Unfortunately it affects my DH, and his way of handling it could affect his relationship with his own baby. That sounds a bit odd.

Your SIL is a selfish bitch OP (I know because I've got one exactly like her) I'm really sorry to hear about your first baby, but am delighted that your second pregnancy is going well
If your DH wants to see her, then that's up to him, but if it was me, I just wouldn't bother any more. Concentrate on yourself and your baby. I'd be more than willing to bet that when baby is born, you SIL won't be too much help anyway.