to only have a 2+2 ceremony?

[ScruffleCake]

DP & I were planning on having a large typical wedding with all the frills but two things happened;

1. we decided to prioritise buying our first house & sorting out the décor there
2. we couldn't seem to keep any of my family happy with anything we suggested or wanted for our wedding.

FYI my sister had to get a loan out to keep family happy with everything they wanted for her wedding.

So we decided we would head off to the registry office with our 2 best mates as witnesses and just get legally married to;

1. to get our names the same as our DS and
2. to save bothering with a Will, our mortgage advisor said "get married or do a Will"

We will save up for a larger showy off "renewal of vows" celebration in a few years when we have the money to do what we want and keep everyone else happy.

I didn't particularly want to tell our family about it because I knew they would take it out of context and cause drama about it but DP couldn't keep it from them so we had to tell them.

Cue the drama and the tears and the throwing toys out of the pram, e.g.I was told my family wouldn't forgive me if my nan died before we had a proper big wedding day.

I'm not completely soulless and so I had been having many sleepless nights over how upset I seem to have made my family that I told DP that we are going to have to invite them to see this legal joining of us.

Yet when I asked them along to it they then decided to try and change the whole event. They wanted to make us cancel the registry office and hold it at another venue claiming that it won't cost much money because they will still pay for their meal out afterwards (actually it will cost about £1000 extra to suggest where they want us to get married plus want me to get a new dress to be more romantic!)

I told them "no, we are still only getting legally bound together at the registry office with a simple meal out afterwards, the larger showy day will come when we have the money". To which they then decided that now they don't want to come at all and although they are saying that they are really upset that they wont be coming they cant possibly come to a registry wedding when they weren't originally invited.

I feel like pulling my hair out! Especially at my mum's comment of "I feel like you regret not inviting us along to begin with which is why you are now trying to get us to come along" - is it just me or does that seem pretty low? If you think your daughter wants you at her wedding to begin with why would you not go?

Idk what I expect from this thread. I expect to be slated pretty harshly on here for these choices as I am being hounded by my family pretty strongly so I have clearly handled this whole thing badly.

I really just needed to vent. DP cant stand this drama anymore and I don't want him to hate my family so don't want him to see how stressed this is making me.

got a torrent of abusive messages from various family members about how I am being "nasty" or "selfish"

The trash took itself out. Now you know the people it's worth maintaining a relationship with, and the people your life doesn't need. Just block them and ignore them. Your mother sounds particularly nasty. Just block them and let them stew; either they'll apologise, or you'll be better off without them. News of your pregnancy might wake your mother up that without a relationship with you she won't be seeing her grandchild either.

Do not let them get to you ScruffleCake
You would be being selfish and nasty if you took out a loan like your sister and did exactly what they wanted anyway. They would find a reason to believe you had offended them. Then you wouldn't have had the wedding you wanted, would have been in debt you can ill afford and still had then chewing on your ears and sending in the flying monkeys.
If they're going to ridicule your relationship why do you want them there anyway? Tell them after their behaviour, they are no longer welcome and have the day you wanted with people who want to be there for you and are happy for you. Switch your phones off and have the day you want.
You will never please them so stop trying. This for them is all about them, not you, you are merely a supporting player in their drama. Let them create it without you.

Your mum sounds exhausting! Def do what you want. If you've already got kids then I thinking spending money you don't need to and don't want to is ridiculous!

I eloped two weeks ago just me and dp, our wedding, our way. Do what you want to do.

I told DP that we are going to have to invite them to see this legal joining of us.

That was a BIG mistake. One, you backed down on what you wanted for your family KNOWING what would happen based on previous experience. Two, you TOLD your DP; you didn't discuss it with him.

DP and DS are your family now. Sorry, but it is about you three, first and foremost. The others can whistle if they have this sort of attitude.

On the wills point, I'd recommend you have a look at what happens if you or your DH should die intestate vs having made a will. A basic will particularly if you have children is usually a good idea. Getting married may not achieve the same outcome as you would want from a will should the worst happen to one of you.

Your wedding, you're allowed to be "selfish". Do what you want and fuck the rest of them.

Have your wedding exactly as you want. Don't have a big one later if that's not what you want.
Have the type you want now whatever that is.
Explain you don't have the money for a big ceremony. Ask them to give you the money to pay for a big one if that's what they want.

Have your wedding, if they ask how it went say "it was just what I wanted" its not about a big showy day its about making promises between the two of you.

I always secretly wanted to get married 2+2, have a few years as a married couple before telling anyone. That way there would be no expectations and you can both just enjoy it.

I can understand why you're upset, but imagine how you're going to feel if you do try and pander to their wishes (including what, taking out a loan? And possibly also waiting till a fair while after DC2 is born?) and then they bring drama anyway, as you know they will. Fuck that. Have your wedding your way.

Thank you everyone, it is good to have all your thoughts on it too. Hate being trapped in the middle like this. I just cant seem to do the right thing by them.

We will just have this ceremony next month just us 2 and our 2 witnesses (DS is with child minder that day) and I will try my hardest to put their negative words out of my mind

Another vote for do what you want.
My first wedding was the whole gorgeous venue, millions of guests, fabulous dress etc white wedding works; we were v young + acrimoniously split within a few years + 2 children.
If truth be known I was already going off him when I walked down the aisle, but my parents had spent a fortune so I thought I had to go through with it. (they didn't think that of course, but I only realised that as I got older!) Silly me.

I married again 11 years ago, no family, just our two best friends + each other, on a filthy freezing rainy/windy November day in a not new dress, hideous registry office beside a cattle market, and loved every second. Ive it never regretted it for a moment. It felt right, where the first one felt wrong, but I ignored it.
Do what you both want. , it matters.

Would a big, fun party to celebrate with family + friends a few weeks after the event be a possibility, or help at all?.

Don’t tell them just do it and present it ads done deal. Anytime you get a negative comment Simply say ‘we had a lovely day, just as we wanted’

I agree with Fluffyears, just do it.

On the subject of a will, we’re married and have a will. I found out that, if one of us died intestate, only the first £250K would go to the surviving spouse. We don’t have children together but he has children from a previous marriage (adults with families of their own before I’m shot down!) and I didn’t want to have to sell my home to pay their share if the worst happened. It’s definitley worth doing to make sure everything is accounted for.

Yanbu. We had two friends at witnesses and that was it. Ceremony was under 10 mins and then we went to a pub for lunch. The thought of a family wedding made us both not want to get married. Too many difficult people. Some weren’t happy with our choice and there was a rift for a while. But we weren’t going to do something we didn’t want just to make other people happy. The marriage is the important part not the wedding.

If they aren’t happy for you then that’s their problem.

Congratulations on being sensible and not throwing money away on a huge party.
You have the right priorities, and I wish you both happiness in your marriage.