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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only have a 2+2 ceremony?

68 replies

ScruffleCake · 19/04/2018 09:24

DP & I were planning on having a large typical wedding with all the frills but two things happened;

  1. we decided to prioritise buying our first house & sorting out the décor there
  2. we couldn't seem to keep any of my family happy with anything we suggested or wanted for our wedding.

FYI my sister had to get a loan out to keep family happy with everything they wanted for her wedding.

So we decided we would head off to the registry office with our 2 best mates as witnesses and just get legally married to;

  1. to get our names the same as our DS and
  2. to save bothering with a Will, our mortgage advisor said "get married or do a Will"

We will save up for a larger showy off "renewal of vows" celebration in a few years when we have the money to do what we want and keep everyone else happy.

I didn't particularly want to tell our family about it because I knew they would take it out of context and cause drama about it but DP couldn't keep it from them so we had to tell them.

Cue the drama and the tears and the throwing toys out of the pram, e.g.I was told my family wouldn't forgive me if my nan died before we had a proper big wedding day.

I'm not completely soulless and so I had been having many sleepless nights over how upset I seem to have made my family that I told DP that we are going to have to invite them to see this legal joining of us.

Yet when I asked them along to it they then decided to try and change the whole event. They wanted to make us cancel the registry office and hold it at another venue claiming that it won't cost much money because they will still pay for their meal out afterwards (actually it will cost about £1000 extra to suggest where they want us to get married plus want me to get a new dress to be more romantic!)

I told them "no, we are still only getting legally bound together at the registry office with a simple meal out afterwards, the larger showy day will come when we have the money". To which they then decided that now they don't want to come at all and although they are saying that they are really upset that they wont be coming they cant possibly come to a registry wedding when they weren't originally invited.

I feel like pulling my hair out! Especially at my mum's comment of "I feel like you regret not inviting us along to begin with which is why you are now trying to get us to come along" - is it just me or does that seem pretty low? If you think your daughter wants you at her wedding to begin with why would you not go?

Idk what I expect from this thread. I expect to be slated pretty harshly on here for these choices as I am being hounded by my family pretty strongly so I have clearly handled this whole thing badly.

I really just needed to vent. DP cant stand this drama anymore and I don't want him to hate my family so don't want him to see how stressed this is making me.

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 19/04/2018 10:42

It is YOUR DAY!! Do what you want. And yes, they are playing the emotional blackmail card.

DH and I had 2 friends as witnesses, that was all.
Friend 1 lent me her fab designer dress, and bought me a lovely bouquet of yellow roses.
Friend 2 brought some bubbles to blow over us for the pictures.

We got married in our local Registry Office, which is a beautiful Georgian building, complete with garden.

We went down the road to a local wine bar, and met a few more friends for a meal. Given all the angst-filled marriage threads on here, I am really glad we did this. We get on fine with our families, but they are very spread out/old/ill, we are not religious, and we simply didn't want to spend the money.

We told our parents etc gradually afterwards. The world didn't stop turning, and being decent, reasoning people, they didn't kick up a fuss (not much point, as it was too late!) I didn't change my name, and DH doesn't wear a ring - lots of people don't even know we are married.

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 10:42

Yanbu. Stick to your guns op. A ‘big’ wedding sounds like it would be dreadful with your family as they would clearly be dictating the details and expecting you to foot the bill. Cheeky fuckers. Tell them if they want a big party they can pay for it themselves.

Original poster
ScruffleCake · 19/04/2018 10:46

literally just got a text from mum saying I am being selfish doing it all my way and that she is just trying to help. Er what!?!

OP posts:
QueenofSerene · 19/04/2018 10:46

Do what you want to do! End of story!

DH and I eloped, we had a long weekend glamping and I organised a celebrant and cheap photographer and we did it. His mum and sister came to be our witnesses otherwise I was going to ask the glamping ground staff, my folks were going to come then thought if they did that my FIL and his wife would feel like we excluded them purposely. It was my second marriage, hubby’s first, we are coming up to our second anniversary soon, I love what we did and maybe if the feeling hits us we might do a renewal and make it fancy when the DC are old enough to be involved but don’t let any one else make YOUR marriage about THEM!

DanceDisaster · 19/04/2018 10:48

Ha! You’re being selfish Confused?! I know she’s your mum, but she sounds like a fucking eejit.

wornoutboots · 19/04/2018 11:02

do what YOU TWO want. It's your wedding, not theirs.
We did, in the face of much emotional blackmail (from his side, mine didn't give a crap) and don't regret it. They do still snark about it if it comes up, but that's their problem not mine!

Original poster
ScruffleCake · 19/04/2018 11:04

I've said she has one last chance to say she wants to come along before I send of all the confirmation details (it is already a week late because of this crap!). Told her to put her pride to one side. It is like she is embarrassed her daughter will be having a simple wedding FFS

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/04/2018 11:06

One small point - I think that, even if you do get married, you should still make a will, if you have children under 18 - so that if, heaven forbid, something happened to both of you, the children would be taken care of. You need to consider who you'd like to raise them, and make sure that proper provision is made.

However, to answer your main question, you are not being at all unreasonable to have a small wedding, if that is what you want right now, and your family should not be putting pressure on you to spend money you don't have!

Littlechocola · 19/04/2018 11:07

@ScruffleCake deal Grin

Send the confirmation.

Reiltin · 19/04/2018 11:13

If my kids got married without me, I'd be distraught. However, I wouldn't try and control what they were planning - I'd turn up wherever and whenever to be a part of what they were planning.

For me, the issue here is that they are being controlling and keep trying to change the plan. You've invited them to the ceremony - they've turned you down. Nothing more you can/should do.

Helpmeplan · 19/04/2018 11:14

Send the confirmation. Have the wedding you want (is merely signing a legal contract and a few words ffs). Also DO write a will, and make sure you both have life insurance to repay the mortgage and maybe some in trust for the children.

CowesTwo · 19/04/2018 11:24

I just don't get it when parents are like this. It's YOUR wedding, not HERS. She's had her wedding how she wanted it (or maybe she didn't, maybe your grandparents railroaded her too). You are a grown up, a mother, and you can decided how you want to handle this. Just get on with it, they are being petty, mean and very bullying. Stay firm!

Confusedbeetle · 19/04/2018 11:28

Good for you. Too many people do the massive thing. This is about being married, not about a massive show-off occasion. They will get over it

Original poster
ScruffleCake · 19/04/2018 11:39

Well she read the message hasn't replied so I'll just send the confirmation. I'll just refuse to entertain anymore discussion about it all now. Thank you all x

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 19/04/2018 11:40

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. 18 months ago I would have been on your mum's side. My oldest son was getting married and he and his then fiance suddenly decided they couldn't face being the subject of all the fuss/photos/speeches and decided they wanted to go away and get married somewhere with two strangers off the street. My husband and I were heartbroken. We were such a close family and now he was doing something so significant without us.

Then they changed their minds and decided that they would still go for a registry office but they wanted their parents as witnesses. The ceremony was really lovely - the two of them, her mum, and my husband and me. It was meaningful and personal and suited the two of them perfectly.

Afterwards we went to a local beauty spot and took loads of photos then off to a pub for a meal. A couple of weeks later we had a get together with extended family from both sides - nothing formal, just a buffet in the cafe where her mum works.

All this was so different from what we had imagined for our oldest son but it was perfect in every way and I could not imagine a happier start to married life for the two of them.

Please do what you want to do - the wedding ceremony is only a few hours. Marriage is what counts.

defectiveinspector · 19/04/2018 11:42

Some parents project everything on their kids. The mother of a friend of mine insisted on controlling and organising her wedding as she hadn't had a say in her own. Stick to your guns and do what you want to do. Your Mother will or won't get over it, but that isn't your problem.

As PP have said do though also make wills. Don't take advice about wills from someone selling you a mortgage!

Andromeida59 · 19/04/2018 11:53

Just do what makes you happy and forget everyone else. Your wedding, your day.

heateallthebuns · 19/04/2018 12:02

Well done op!

WineAndTiramisu · 19/04/2018 12:02

ScruffleCake
ShotsFired I think that is partly their issue though, they haven't got married so maybe some jealousy there or wanting to control our day because they haven't had the chance to do their own day?

Tell them to get married then, and they can have whatever they want!

Trippedupagain · 19/04/2018 13:54

Do whatever the hell you want. Many years ago my DH and I got married and didn't tell anyone for a year! We were living together anyway, had a mortgage together, both grown up. I'm not even sure what family thought, tbh, as neither of us have the type of family to say what they think, but whatever...they got over it! Have a happy life together and look after each other.

CookPassBabtridge · 19/04/2018 14:10

I think some parents like to show off on their kids wedding day. They feel like their kids owe them the event of a wedding day!
You will regret it if you don't do it how you wanted.

Bumshkawahwah · 19/04/2018 14:20

Good for you! They are being completely nuts. It’s definitely time to take a stand or it sounds like your life will forever be dictated to by other people.

FWIW, I never wanted a big wedding so DH and I went abroad, had a nice holiday and got married there. I’ve never regretted it for a second.

KeneftYakimoski · 19/04/2018 14:28

my sister had to get a loan out to keep family happy with everything they wanted for her wedding.

Poor woman. It's easy to say "she should have told them to fuck off" but harder in practice. But your parents sound like a nightmare.

Original poster
ScruffleCake · 19/04/2018 14:32

Spent lunch break crying tbh, got a tyrant of abusive messages from various family members about how I am being "nasty" or "selfish". Quite a few digs about me and DP and how we met etc too.

I feel like even if I do go ahead and do what we originally intend, the day is just ruined now as it has been tainted by this drama and really mean comments. I feel so stressed. Probably feel more sensitive too because I am pregnant (only 7 weeks)

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 19/04/2018 14:38

Aw op Thanks it won't be! You will have a lovely special day with your dh. That is all that matters. The most special part of my day was my vows with dh. Everything else is just decoration.