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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM's birthday

28 replies

Squashpocket · 19/04/2018 06:45

I'm typically a bit of a pushover about stuff like this, so feeling guilty and wondering if I'm straying into unreasonable territory.

It's my DM's milestone birthday in June. I have a toddler DC and am due to give birth to DC2 two weeks before her birthday.

She initially said she would have a posh evening birthday meal out somewhere with DF and friends and she and I would go for afternoon tea separately (with new baby) on a day my toddler is in nursery. Great, perfect.

She's now decided she would prefer to have a posh Sunday lunch with DF and her friends and me, my DH and 2DC are to come. I really hate this idea - toddler wont sit still so DH won't get to sit down either, DMs friends are all older, no small children and I'm sure would much prefer a quiet child free meal and I'm feeling stressed about having to manage breastfeeding a newborn in a posh restaurant in front of all my parents oldest friends.

I want to say 'no, let's stick with the afternoon tea plan', but really it's just one afternoon and it's my DMs birthday, so perhaps I should just suck it up. AIBU?

OP posts:

DuchyDuke · 19/04/2018 06:47

Personally think you should suck it up for a day.

Bananamanfan · 19/04/2018 06:48

Yanbu. Tell her as above you can't commit to it at all. You could be having the baby on her birthday. Giving birth trumps a milestone birthday imo. Definitely stick to afternoon tea.

missmorleyme · 19/04/2018 06:52

I dont think yabu, its hard enough with trying to entertain a toddler and keep her sitting down, and you are going to have a baby added to the mix who you have to bf aswell. I think its ur dm who is bu, she should stick to what she originally suggested instead of changing her mind and thinking that you should accept it and roll over and do as she says. Personally id tell her no, lets stick with what you first suggested.

PhaedrasChocolate · 19/04/2018 06:54

I don't think yabu, but I think you need to just put up with it this once.

Original poster

Squashpocket · 19/04/2018 07:07

Oh bugger, I was hoping I could just stay at home but looks like I am being U.

The other complication is DH doesn't want to go because he knows he'll just end up spending the whole meal toddler wrangling, so would rather keep DC1 at home with him and just me and newborn go. DM very adamant she wants both children there. So I'm in the position of forcing DH to go (he would go, but probably with bad grace) or managing both DC myself.

OP posts:

StylishMummy · 19/04/2018 07:09

She wants your kids there as props to show off to her friends, but it's incredibly unfair. What if you go over your due date? Say you'll be unable to go as it's simply not practical or appropriate but you'd love to take her out for afternoon tea etc

Original poster

Squashpocket · 19/04/2018 07:14

@StylishMummy I expect you're right - I can't imagine she wants them there to enhance the dining experience

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 19/04/2018 07:19

I wouldn't go if I were you. What's wrong with what she suggested before! It's a great compromise.

bettytaghetti · 19/04/2018 07:19

It does sound a bit daft and unless you have a scheduled CS, I agree with stylishMummy that you may go over your due date and really may not feel up to it. Can you not sell it to her that you're stretching out her birthday celebrations by going with the original plan and want to make her feel special not harassed by having babies/toddlers around on her special meal?

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 19/04/2018 07:27

I would say something like “Of course, if that’s what you’d really prefer, we’ll be happy to come... I just can’t help feeling that it would be so much easier for me to focus on you and enjoying the occasion with you if it was an afternoon tea because [insert reasons]. But completely up to you. Then if she insists and you’re distracted the whole time she has nobody to blame but herself.

SeaCabbage · 19/04/2018 08:22

Whilst it is your dm's birthday, you know what it will be like - bloody awful. Tell her you would like to stick to the other plan because it would just be too difficult otherwise.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 19/04/2018 08:25

Could you order in advance and get there as food is served? Less time for dc to be sat expected to behave? And ice cream is a good incentive to sit still!!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 19/04/2018 08:35

Well, your dh is definitely being unreasonable. Neither you or your mum are.
My mum had a big, milestone birthday Sunday lunch. My db’s toddler daughter kicked off big style and he spent most of the event in a corridor with a tantruming toddler. She’s generally very easy going but the pressure to sit still and keep quiet was too much for her. I would tell your mum that you agree that it’s a lovely idea but that you’re worried that there is potential for it to go wrong. You could say that your happy to bring the children but you could be struggling to establish bf and there’s the chance of disruption from dc1. Wouldn’t she rather prefer to celebrate twice? If she says no and you struggle through it, you won’t have to feel so bad.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 19/04/2018 08:37

Even if your dc1 is normally placid, they will be in the early days of being a big sibling and could be more of a handful than usual. Equally, unless you have a c-section scheduled, you can’t know when new baby will arrive so may have a newborn who is much less than 2 weeks old,

Ginger1982 · 19/04/2018 08:56

Agree with Shamelessly. Make her aware of the pitfalls in advance and then you are beyond reproach when they happen.

Original poster

Squashpocket · 19/04/2018 09:00

I think I will take the approach of gently pointing out the issues with the plan and asking her if she wouldn't prefer to have a nice grown up meal with her friends and a relaxed afternoon tea with her new GC.

I suspect she'll say no, come to Sunday lunch, we'll all pitch in to look after DC1. But in actuality that won't happen and DH will be left with DC1. DC1 is not normally placid.

I'm making decisions about this on the assumption that things will be similar to my first birth - on time, normal delivery, quick recovery, total, utter nightmare breastfeeding though (hence the anxiety about this). If I have to have a c-section or I'm less than 1 week post-partum I won't be going and I won't feel the slightest bit U

OP posts:

misskatamari · 19/04/2018 09:10

I don't think your mum is unreasonable to want you all there, but being so close to your due date does make it difficult to plan, and it would be much more sensible to go with your afternoon tea and separate meal suggestion. Especially as you don't know how you'll be feeling, when you'll actually have your baby. With my first I had her at 37 weeks, and second cake at 41! You just never know when they'll decide it's time to make an appearance. I also really struggled with breastfeeding at first, and no way would I have been able to go out for a posh lunch a couple of weeks post birth. Everyone is different of course, and you might feel absolutely fine, but whatever you decided your mum needs to accept that you might not be up to the lunch she has planned.

Your dh is being a bit unreasonable though. Of course no one wants to spend a stressful lunch wrangling a boisterous toddler, but it's one afternoon so if you do go he should really just suck it up with good grace

misskatamari · 19/04/2018 09:10

Came not cake! Altho I probably did eat a lot of cake

Original poster

Squashpocket · 19/04/2018 09:12

I also think I'm going to have to get DH on board with the whole thing now. If he acts like a child about after the birth, I may be forced to start divorce proceedings

OP posts:

willynillypie · 19/04/2018 09:20

I definitely would not go - who knows when your baby will arrive. They could be 1 day - 2 weeks old. If you don't want to go out to a fancy restaurant with a newborn and people you aren't close to then there is no reason why you should. Your mother needs to be understanding and stick to the original (and lovely) plan.

FabulouslyFab · 19/04/2018 09:28

I do think you have to tell DH to put his big boy pants on and make an effort for a couple of hours! It may be that he and DC1 leave the table a couple of times for a run around outside. Take crayons and paper, small toys to play with.
Agree with what DM wants but reserve a final decision until new baby arrives x

Piffle11 · 19/04/2018 09:43

YANBU. I bet she would hardly bother with the kids as she will be too busy with her friends. We've had this at family gatherings: we get pressured into taking DC (one with additional needs) and people basically say hello to them, then ignore them for the rest of the party. So DH and I (and sometimes just me) end up running around after DC, or taking them outside to calm down, etc. But if we don't take them it's always 'oh where are DC? I really wanted to see them' ... Your original plan worked for you both so I would put my foot down.

Sparkyspyro · 19/04/2018 10:06

I would leave this to the actual time to sort out and not stress about it just now. You just need to smile, nod and say "subject to all being well baby wise" and leave it at that.
I had a similar clash when my youngest was born, I ended up with a section so couldn't go anywhere anyway. My DD(2) did go, without me and DH, and had a wonderful time, much fuss made of her and she behaved surprisingly well so if your mum really wants Dd there might be an idea for her to crack on!

Member984815 · 19/04/2018 10:19

I'd just say we'll see how we are when the time comes . My sil just had baby 4 weeks ago she ended up with infection in stitches followed by thrush there is no way she would feel like going to dinner . I know I wasn't feeling like going out to dinner when I had a newborn and toddler , I'm getting the stress sweats just thinking of trying to keep a toddler in line and feed the baby. She probably wants them there to show them off because she loves them but I would explain to her that you need to wait and see how things are

KC225 · 19/04/2018 11:33

Does she want to show off you and the grandchildren to her friends whilst dressed up and coiffured? Why not suggest pre lunch glass of champagne the restaurant a few nibbles, so she can show you all off to her friends but remind her about crying and feeding babies and bored fractious toddlers and how the two of you will be on edge with mini management. Then you can leave them to her kunvh and have a lovely afternoon tea afterwards.

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