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Mother asking for money she spent on grandkids back

217 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 19/04/2018 06:27

My mother came down at half term for 3 days to look after my 2 kids. I am grateful she did as it saved me 3 days in school club fees.
I bought lots of food and made sure there was enough of everything in the house.
My mother decided on a couple of occasions to take the kids out for lunch & to go out & about.
Spoke to her yesterday & she asked me for all the money back that she had spent on the kids including the train fair. I was a bit shocked but now I am wondering if aibu.
We are quite skint at the moment and this is why I asked her to come down- we took her out for a meal when she was here to say thankyou aswell.
Her & her husband have just renovated a new house & spent 50k doing it up, as she told me. We rent and are just about getting by and she knew that was the reason I asked her to come down.
She said to me last night that they are pensioners so don’t have much money despite just moving house. She only sees my kids twice a year anyway.
I just don’t know what to think- I feel really upset - apart from anything I don’t have the money to give back to her anyway.

OP posts:
ohfortuna · 20/04/2018 13:15

If my own experience is anything to go by then there is a good chance that her partner has a hand in this, he may not want any resources going towards her grandchildrenildren and so will be putting a spanner in the Works behind the scenes

gamerchick · 20/04/2018 13:20

What are you going to do OP?

Leave us hanging forever probably Grin

Motoko · 20/04/2018 13:34

Haha gamerchick I did get that feeling, hence the prompt!

flowerslemonade · 20/04/2018 14:29

Ask her for a breakdown of the costs... just to see what she writes :/

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 20/04/2018 14:35

Bloody hell that's unfair that she's asked for money back, I would of thought she would of enjoyed taking the kids out and treating them like grandparents do! ..I sometimes go and look after my niece and nephew and take them out for days and lunches and would never dream of asking for a single penny back it's just what family do and help each other out when they need it, good luck with your mum op just be honest with her and explain hat you won't be giving her nothing back as she chosen to do them things

Bramble71 · 20/04/2018 17:59

She should have asked you first before spending any money if she wanted it back. YNBU.

Tryagaintomorrow · 20/04/2018 19:17

She is definitely being UR.
My mother is very well off, only has 1 dgd and certainly would never do this as she doesn’t need to, my DP mother is much less well off, has numerous dgc and still would never do this!
I can’t believe she wasn’t too embarrassed to ask

ADarkandStormyKnight · 20/04/2018 19:44

Send her this

Idontknowwhatithink · 21/04/2018 15:06
supercalifragilisticexpiali · 21/04/2018 15:09

I hope the OP’s mother reads the daily mail

Summer891 · 21/04/2018 15:20

I think that’s terrible!

When I was growing up my parents barely had any money other than to pay for the essentials, and I would have gone without a lot of things if it wasn’t for my grandparents. On both sides of the family, they bought me things I needed, and took me on days out during the school holidays. My parents definitely couldn’t have afforded to do this, so I am so grateful I had the grandparents who wanted to and could do this for me. They wanted to do it, it wasn’t expected.

Unless your mother is very hard up it’s veey unfair for her to ask this. She didn’t have to take them out to these places, so it’s cheeky of her to take the kids out and then ask you for the money back afterwards without agreeing this with you first.

ToPlanZ · 22/04/2018 09:35

Mighty mucks I think you're right. It's so easy to dismiss someone you don't know as a narcissist without even having heard her side of the story. There's lots of people on here advising reduced or no contact. I don't have contact with either parent and that is a major step to take to isolate yourself in such a fashion. People are complex. I would think this pretty unreasonable request for reimbursement after the fact for expenses that were not agreed upon by the OPs mother is down to her feeling upset about something.

The OPs best course of action at this stage would be to talk through this with her mum, after all she only has one. Her mum may feel that she was only asked to stay to be used as free childcare. She may feel that her daughter suddenly being able to afford a meal out for everyone shows she isn't as hard up as she said and she might feel lied to given that she doesn't know that meal was paid for in vouchers. She may feel something completely different that nobody in these threads has happened upon because, let's face it the OP can only present her point of view.

Perhaps the mother in question is a bit short herself after her house renovations.

The best advice is to talk to her, not to get your dander up and start flinging emails backwards and forwards. Written communication can so easily be misunderstood.

Conflict is usually solved through diplomacy and that involves a lot of communication. Who wants to really go to war with their own mum if it can be avoided? At the end of the day if the OP talks it out and cannot get a reasonable explanation from her mum, then by all means have a change of tack, but why escalate what is probably a misunderstanding of each others feelings.

gamerchick · 22/04/2018 11:02

The daily mail probably started the thread in the first place.

supermamie · 29/05/2018 08:18

And why not the bill of the hair dresser and manicure and pedicure before her journey? Ok, let's get serious!
I am a grandma myself and my three daughters ask me often to help out for several reasons. I would never have asked a penny for being with my grandchildren, spoiling them rotten and having a great time with them. If your mom has money problems, pay her the train fare, but never ever the extras she spent on your children since SHE decided to do so. And in any case, I would not ask her anymore to help out (but dont say anything about that since one never knows).

bloo435 · 15/06/2018 17:08

You should give her what she asks for. And ask her if she wants to be refunded for the money she spent when you were a child. Since you're low on cash, tell her that you will pay little by little, like 1 pound a month.

bloo435 · 15/06/2018 17:08

... (sorry, continuation).

bloo435 · 15/06/2018 17:10

When she is older, she might be surprised not to see more often her grandchildren, remind her this demand. And say, we don't have money to come and see you, sorry.

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