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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother asking for money she spent on grandkids back

217 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 19/04/2018 06:27

My mother came down at half term for 3 days to look after my 2 kids. I am grateful she did as it saved me 3 days in school club fees.
I bought lots of food and made sure there was enough of everything in the house.
My mother decided on a couple of occasions to take the kids out for lunch & to go out & about.
Spoke to her yesterday & she asked me for all the money back that she had spent on the kids including the train fair. I was a bit shocked but now I am wondering if aibu.
We are quite skint at the moment and this is why I asked her to come down- we took her out for a meal when she was here to say thankyou aswell.
Her & her husband have just renovated a new house & spent 50k doing it up, as she told me. We rent and are just about getting by and she knew that was the reason I asked her to come down.
She said to me last night that they are pensioners so don’t have much money despite just moving house. She only sees my kids twice a year anyway.
I just don’t know what to think- I feel really upset - apart from anything I don’t have the money to give back to her anyway.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2018 12:13

Op has said her mum is a narc. Op just remember this when your sorting out her care provision later on Wink.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2018 12:17

She did not need to take them out, op had food in the house. If she did take them out, it could be to cheap or free thing, and bring a packed lunch. That was op mothers choice to do that, and now she is charging op! That is really low.

dontticklethetoad · 19/04/2018 12:23

mightymucks you are coming across as a truly horrible person.
OP has stated that both her and dh work full time, have asked to visit DM and they used vouchers for the meal. You have completely ignored these facts to create your own narrative.
You have tried to puts words into the OPs mouth. Just stop it and piss off.

GreenVelvetwithfrills · 19/04/2018 12:31

Don’t give her the money, and don’t expect to see her again anytime soon, but even if you gave her the money, you won’t see them.

This stay has obviously caused a rift within her household. I think you need distance.
Explain your circumstances and upset that she is even asking this of you, and if she insists, pay a small amount back very slowly, but forgoe any present giving on your side for the foreseeable future.

GreenVelvetwithfrills · 19/04/2018 12:32

And I assume it’s her husband who is egging her on in this too.

supercalifragilisticexpiali · 19/04/2018 12:36

I don’t understand what the husband has to do with it? For all we know he may have told yhd grandmother she was being s greedy cow!

Mightymucks · 19/04/2018 12:48

I missed one post toad.

It doesn’t change my opinion at all. They didn’t tell her Mum they paid with vouchers. As far as she knows they paid with cash.

If what I think has happened is the case then that makes it all the more important OP finds out if that’s what her Mum thinks then it’s a misunderstanding that needs sorting out.

What’s fucking horrible is people saying ‘Oh yeah, what a bitch, she must be rich, never let her see your children again’. The OP said her Mum explained to her that they are pensioners and don’t have much cash at the moment. And the OP has said they have just had two expensive events. But apparently people on here know better than her own mother’s word what her situation is.

It sounds like there might be two misunderstandings here. The OP seems to think her mother’s financial situation is better than it is. And the OPs mother also thinks the same thing about her daughter.

And no, I don’t really think one offer at one specific inconvenient time really seems like much of an effort if you only see your mother twice a year.

But you just carry on telling her to rip into her mother for your entertainment and because you think the only way to be kind to someone is by agreeing with them even when they’re wrong.

GreenVelvetwithfrills · 19/04/2018 12:55

I assumed the husband must have been involved as her mother went home, before she decided she wanted to be repaid for her own expenses.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 12:55

'My experience has taught me that often when people do you a favour financially, it’s always done in the expectation of payback in some way. '

Only if the person is a twat.

And to all the people who say 'just pay her', the OP doesn't have the money!

She also has a mother like mighty, which is sad.

Tell her you can't pay her, because you can't. That you paid for the meal out with vouchers given as a gift.

Don't offer her a penny because the only excuse for doing this to your kid and grandkids is that you're a total cunt. Who the hell doesn't want to help their child and grandchildren when you know they're doing their best but struggling?

'Sorry, we don't have the money to pay you.' And then I wouldn't bother contacting her again. Seriously.

I cannot imagine doing this to my children and grandchildren even if I were completely impoverished. I'd have taken a coach over (cheaper) to help my children and grandchildren if they were struggling, too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2018 13:01

@Mightymucks
I’m assuming that the mother is indeed an adult. She has a mouth and a brain as well as a choice and responsibility for the money she chose to spend. No way should she be expecting her daughter to dig herself out of a hole (if she indeed is in one) when she clearly didn’t think to do the same for her child, who is in financial difficulty herself and unlike her, has dependants.

Mightymucks · 19/04/2018 13:02

And yes, if her mother is under the impression that the OP mislead her about her financial situation to get free childcare and the OP tears into her about being tight then, yes, her mother will probably cut her out of her life.

I hope you’ll think that’s a good result toad, lots of nice drama for you but probably not so great for the OP.

dontticklethetoad · 19/04/2018 13:06

Give it a rest mighty your interpretation of the story is so convoluted and far fetched.

I only see my mum 2/3 times a year because of distance. We are pretty skint, trying to move to a bigger house, life etc etc. When we visit my mum, she always treats us to meals out, trips etc. When she comes to stay with us I may pay for a coffee or lunch, it is the least I can do really. Never for one minute would my mum get all bosom hoiky because I claimed to be skint, yet here I am with a brass neck buying her lunch/coffee, she just appreciates the gesture. It's just absurd that is the conclusion you would come to.

And no I don't think op should ban dgm from seeing dc, but she needs to get to the bottom of it.

clippityclock · 19/04/2018 13:06

Jesus christ Mighty its her mother not some stranger. I can not ever think of a situation where I would ask for train fare back or for the money I spent on taking grandchildren out. Its nasty, really nasty.

I've travelled 70 miles to see a friend during school holidays and looked after her kids, took them places and treated them to meals out. Plus had dinner on for when my friend came home from working all day. It didn't even occur to me to ask for any money and I'm poorer than her. I enjoyed seeing her and looking after her kids along with my own.

You sound a really nasty, tight person that never does anything for anyone out of love. Again it was her own mother, the children's Grandmother not someone from an agency!!

dontticklethetoad · 19/04/2018 13:09

Oh there you go again mighty! Please point out where I said I think op should go nc?
Stop making things up.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/04/2018 13:12

Might come on, you are digging a big hole, and what you are saying does not wash. Why should op tell her about her financial situation, how do you know that mother does not already know about it.

It is low asking for money now after the event, not before her mother was due down. Or her mother clarifying it with op before, she was not transparent at all, op could not make an informed decision, I am sure that op would have refused if she had known this beforehand. How hartless the mother sounds, yes she does. I can't imagine ever doing this to my children, if I could not babysit or help, I would tell them I wasen't able to do so. I would continue with minimal contact op, as she does not sound like a nice person doing this to you.

supercalifragilisticexpiali · 19/04/2018 13:13

mighty you are making up scenarios that we have no idea exist! What’s next, that the OP promised to renovate her mother’s house but reneged and so she’s living in a cardboard box?!

gamerchick · 19/04/2018 13:15

And yes, if her mother is under the impression that the OP mislead her about her financial situation to get free childcare and the OP tears into her about being tight then, yes, her mother will probably cut her out of her life

Something you would or have done to your kids out of interest?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2018 13:15

Well if this is all it takes for the mother to cut off op, she doesn’t deserve to be in her daughters and gcs lives in the first place.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2018 13:16

That answer was to mighty obvs.

GabsAlot · 19/04/2018 13:17

how much does she want back? ask her why she didnt mention this before she came down

GirlsBlouse17 · 19/04/2018 13:21

I am shocked and saddened to read this. Am so sorry OP. Tell her to request an expenses claim form next time to complete! This is just beyond belief. I would say pay her but don't ask her again for help.

Banalarama · 19/04/2018 13:23

I always pay my mum’s train fare if she comes up to help with my kids. And I pay for anything it costs her - like if she takes them to a cafe or something. But she is hard up and she would love to pay for it herself but can’t afford it. Also, she wouldn’t dream of wasting money taking them out for lunch or extravagant things.

Motoko · 19/04/2018 13:29

It's getting really boring now Mighty. You're wrong, and sounding desperate.
If OP's mum was hard up, and a decent mother, she would have told OP that she couldn't afford to come down unless OP was able to pay her expenses.
Also, if she was skint, she would not have had the money to pay for expensive days out, and if she did happen to have the money, but needed it to be paid back, she would have discussed this with her daughter FIRST.
She didn't even have the courtesy to ask her daughter face to face, she's just basically gone home and sent her daughter an invoice.

As I said, you're gaslighting. Stop it.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 19/04/2018 13:29

Honestly I would say that you don’t have the money as you didn’t exp3ct her to take them out.
My mum takes my 2 out often I try to give her money but she do3snt have any of it. We have arguments about her no accepting it. She always says
‘ they are my grandchildren if I wanna spend my money on them I will’
I don’t expect her to pay and so I always give my lil sister more money at Christmas and birthdays and always go above and beyond for Mum on hers.
Hopefully it all gets sorted.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/04/2018 13:38

I would give her the money, mentioning that you wish she had let you know she was planning to ask for It so you could have decided whether you wanted her to take the children out.

I would not ask her to help out at all in future.

Really poor behaviour, YANBU to be upset by this.

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