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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that they key time for a man to have an affair is after his first child is born?

57 replies

crunchymint · 18/04/2018 18:22

Just seen so many men cheat on their wives straight after their first child is born. Has anyone else noticed this?

OP posts:
deadringer · 18/04/2018 20:27

No experience of dp cheating after first baby but it was a very tough time in our marriage. I was young and very resentful of being 'stuck' with the baby while his life went on as normal. I wouldn't say I was exactly a joy to be around as I was tired and felt unattractive, and as I say very resentful. He didn't go out or take the piss in any way really, but I think it's a very tough time and puts a strain on many relationships and if a man is the cheating type he may well stray at this time.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 18/04/2018 20:36

I don't think a decent man is more likely to cheat, but I can see why it may be a time where assholes look elsewhere.
Wife is tired, in pain, trying to juggle sleepless nights and baby and everything else, while the kind of partner who is likely to cheat will be carrying on with his life as normal, and possibly feeling sorry for himself as he's now getting less attention and sex, and can blame it on DW who is "doesn't have time for him", "has let herself go", etc.

TheCrystalChandelier · 18/04/2018 20:38

Why do you feel the need to post - women cheat too? because they do. And because the overwhelming thought on mn seems to be that only men cheat while women are the victims of all these cheating men whereas evidence suggests that affairs are as prevalent in both sexes.

I think a baby puts an immense strain on any relationship and no-one is prepared for how a relationship changes after the birth. If your relationship isn’t 100% sound before you have a baby then chances are it won’t survive having a baby for one reason or another. And for some that likely means that they will seek comfort elsewhere iyswim.

But if the baby was planned then while it is a complete shock to the system most men are just as besotted with it as women are they just often don’t show it in the same ways as women do.

NellMangel · 18/04/2018 20:44

Happened to me when DS was a baby. It was the shift in attention apparently. I might have given him more attention if he'd given some help with our baby instead of 5 hour "gym" sessions straight after work. Douche.

halfwitpicker · 18/04/2018 20:46

Yes, it's the woman's fault. It always is.

DairyisClosed · 18/04/2018 20:51

I haven't had experience of this from either side but after my first birth I was out of action for two months (baring the occasional unreciprocated sexual favour when I wasn't too tired but this happen about twice). My husband really struggled with it. He wouldn't have cheated of course (long back story) but he did get a few really bad errectiobs that just wouldn't go down at all unless he ejaculated. I felt quite sorry for him. I can see how men who don't ate immoral may be tempted and decide to embark on am affair.

SeriousChutzpah · 18/04/2018 20:52

Crystal I would be astonished if any significant proportion of new first time mothers were off having affairs, clutching their CS scars with one hand and their Lansinoh cream in the other, with the baby, presumably, in a sling...? Hmm

MrsSmile · 18/04/2018 20:54

My friends husband left her for her best friend two weeks after the birth of her second child and death of her Mum (on the same day Sad )

RainyApril · 18/04/2018 20:55

I'm in my 50s and marriages are dropping like flies around me - in every case, successful men having affairs with younger work colleagues. So not just after babies, but also as part of their mid life crisis.

FrogCow · 18/04/2018 20:57

ExDP did it to me. He was also paying for online porn webcams whilst my mental health was crumbling around me.
Kicked the fucker out.
Fuck him, fuck that.

Pinkvoid · 18/04/2018 20:59

I think it’s sadly because they feel they now have their OH under their control and that she is connected to him forever whether she likes it or not so he can act how he wishes.

I wasn’t cheated on but my DP’s colleague cheated on his girlfriend various times throughout her pregnancy. His excuse was the fact she ‘wouldn’t give out anymore’. He acted as though he were some victim and nobody could blame him for what he was doing. Truly horrible. Worst thing is, she has no idea and apparently regularly posts on FB as if they’re a happy family.

NomadicMother · 18/04/2018 21:01

Haaaaa! Serious

It's true and although women do cheat they don't cheat as much and maybe they don't get as much opportunity to cheat where children are involved.

It's to do with hormones in my opinion, men and women are just different (not that it excuses anyone)

I remember being at a dinner and the question came up "how long would it take you to sleep with someone else after your partner had died" all the men there agreed on about 3 months, stating it was 'just sex'. The women there did not seem impressed by this.

HopScotchy · 18/04/2018 21:18

Pregnancy and childbirth is also a key time for domestic violence to appear. Theories abound, I go for the simplest- you are less able to leave.

Upyours2017 · 18/04/2018 21:22

This happened to me too Sad

MsGameandWatching · 18/04/2018 21:24

You know what? On a thread such as this where women are sharing their painful experiences of being cheated on when pregnant and at their most vulnerable - I was too, I don't actually care that women do it too. Piss off and start another thread and see how far you get. THIS thread is about women being cheated on while pregnant, THAT thread can be about the men that get cheated on. I know which one will be longer...MUCH longer.

MMcanny · 18/04/2018 21:35

Crunchymint, of course I have!

MadBadDaddy · 18/04/2018 21:49

If any of our children's friends' parents cheated then they either didn't split, or didn't get caught.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 18/04/2018 21:57

RedForFilth

The men who do it are pathetic. Deliberately do it when their partner is vulnerable and less able to leave. Man children who can't stand the fact an actual child has the attention. My ex did this and it just proved how spineless he is.

I could have written this.

londonrach · 18/04/2018 22:02

From my experience of seeing lots of new families id say its the least time a man will stray.

sameoldsame · 18/04/2018 22:15

This is very common I think
But, there men will have cheated at any point they were feeling neglected
Man child syndrome

tygr · 18/04/2018 22:28

My Dad did. Being generous about it, it's a time of change and upheaval for both new mothers and fathers and might trigger some repressed trauma. Pretty shitty thing to do though. If you didn't want to be married with parenting responsibilities, you shouldn't have got married and made someone pregnant.

Original poster
crunchymint · 19/04/2018 00:47

hopskotchy I agree, I think it is because they know it is much harder for a woman to leave and that she is far more likely to forgive him.

OP posts:
annandale · 19/04/2018 01:11

I am about as sure as I can be that dh didn't cheat when I was pregnant or had a new baby. Having said that, he tried to snog someone at work when ds was a few months old - God I'd forgotten that. I was completely unmoved, it was the least of my worries, the only trouble was that the strain of keeping it secret (for a few weeks) had made him more ill than usual. Maybe I was only unbothered because she turned him down flat? I don't know - I only know that I didn't give a shit as long as he turned up at home at the end of the day. Maybe he wanted me to give more of a shit? People are weird.

The upheaval of pregnancy/new baby is so unbelievably intense, I can see how some people just want a break from it. How can people forgive themselves for doing it though? You must know that you're being a massive bellend if you do this. I have wanted to act out sexually since dh died 2 months ago, and also have hated myself for feeling that way - I haven't done anything, but only from lack of opportunity - I'm pretty grateful that the opportunity hasn't arisen as the guilt and conflicts would screw me up totally, the stuff in my head is bad enough.

jemr2345 · 19/04/2018 01:24

Pretty sure mine didn’t cheat but he did act like a dick because he wasn’t getting enough attention from me. So if he was the cheating type then yes I think it would have been a flashpoint for that. It’s the man-child thing as PP said.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/04/2018 03:57

Apparently Ashley Madison kept statistics about all their clients. They found that men were most likely to cheat after any period they spent a lot of time with their partner/family. So after honeymoon, after birth of baby, family holidays and Xmas.

They also found that men who watch porn are more likely to cheat so directed most of their advertising to places like pornhub.