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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holidaying without my daughter

37 replies

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 15:55

I'm not sure if this is the right area to post about this as I'm new to mumsnet, but would really appreciate some guidance here as I'm feeling super guilty.
My daughter is 11 years old. I divorced some 4 years ago and my ex is very temperamental. He has a very high position consulting for various companies and has our daughter just 4 days a month (every other weekend). He never has her for extra during any term time, so I have to arrange this myself, but he has taken her on holiday for a week each year during the summer holidays. He told me he had booked a holiday for a week in August this year. So my partner and I booked a holiday for us to go away as we've not had a holiday on our own before, we've always taken my daughter with us. My partner is paying for this holiday as I can't afford it, and he wanted to go for 10 days. I messaged my ex about 3 months ago to ask if he could have our daughter for an extra 4 nights in total to tag on to his week, and he won't reply. He never replies to me and communicates what he wants via our daughter, which obviously sometimes she gets wrong. I've asked him about 5 times over the past months and he just won't reply. My daughter then said that she thought we were going away that time and that's what daddy thought so he'd cancelled the holiday. I've tried to ask him as we have now booked our holiday and will now lose money if we don't go and he just won't reply, even to our daughter - he tells her he's messaged me, knowing full well he hasn't. So now, I'm in a situation where my partner has paid for the holiday and she may not be going away. Not only do I feel guilty now for booking a holiday without her (it's an adults only hotel) but wondered if it's wrong for me to ask my mum, sister-in-law and close friend to share responsibility of having her whilst we are away, having her 4 x nights each. My daughter is happy with this, but wants to know if she's going with her dad or not and he just won't commit. Do you think I should just cancel our holiday and lose all the money, or go - I feel so terribly guilty leaving her if she's not away at the same time. Any words of wisdom or advice on how to deal with a super difficult ex would be appreciated. Thanks. x

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 18/04/2018 16:02

Imo you should keep your holiday booking. Your dd is happy to stay with a relative for the extra days. You will likely find exh will be taking dd away as usual he is just trying to ruin yours. He doesn't have enough input into dd life to be allowed or dictate what happens when she is with you - or make you put your life on hold either..

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 16:02

God your ex sounds like a complete dickhead. Don't cancel your holiday, it's unfortunate that your daughter now doesn't know what's going on and it's terrible you're carrying that on your shoulders too but that is his fault not yours.

DeathStare · 18/04/2018 16:11

I'd write to him requesting the information you need and send it to him by signed-for delivery. Ask him to respond within a certain time scale.

If he doesn't respond then I would take legal advice and possibly ask the solicitor to write to him to confirm.

Original poster

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 16:14

Honestly - that's not the half of it. He's a total nightmare and is completely controlling and manipulative (hence me leaving 4yrs ago). He's 16 years older than me, and a super intelligent high flier. We were together for 20 years, he was good most of the time but a functioning alcoholic which then turned him violent and nasty beyond belief. He became more violent (our daughter thankfully saw only snippets towards the end) and in the end he assaulted me and I had to call the police. Orders were put in place for nearly a year to keep him away from me. He lied in court, would be abusive via text and email threatening to burn the family home down and had cancelled insurance to ensure I wouldn't get anything. Financially I was able to secure another home for my daughter and I with a mortgage and some equity, but he screwed me on child maintenance as he then left his highly paid job by choice and worked for his friends ltd. company, so now only gets a minimal salary to ensure we get hardly anything, yet I know he's consulting and getting over £1.5k per day. He's just awful. So this is just another thing as he has no control over anything else. My daughter doesn't even like going to his and very often asks to stay home with me and my partner who she adores. It's a tough one and this holiday malarkey is worrying me to death as she's my life and I've only booked this holiday because I thought she'd be away herself. What a nightmare and now wish I hadn't booked it at all. :(

OP posts:

Ratherbehome · 18/04/2018 16:19

Wow you're definitely well rid of him. Go on your holiday and enjoy it. It sounds like you deserve it. I think you should make the arrangements for your dd to stay with relatives but warn them that she might have a week away with her dad so you won't be sure for definite until nearer the time. (I assume they know what he's like and will understand, I know I would).

Ratherbehome · 18/04/2018 16:20

It's a tough one and this holiday malarkey is worrying me to death as she's my life and I've only booked this holiday because I thought she'd be away herself. What a nightmare and now wish I hadn't booked it at all.

You sound like a lovely mum. Don't beat yourself up over this please. Enjoy your holiday. He's doing this to get at you, he's being a complete dick to you and to your dd.

Chocolatecake12 · 18/04/2018 16:25

Get an arrangement put in place via solicitors for an agreed weekveach August when he can have her. Then you can please yourself what you do that week each year.
For now see if you can make arrangements with family to have her as a back up in case he has cancelled.
Then go no contact with him until he wants to make arrangements. I’ll bet he hadn’t cancelled the holiday really - he’s just playing games.

Original poster

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 16:26

I'm not sure what a solicitor would be able to do regarding this situation though. He's just being a total idiot and trying to control me still - it's unbelievable.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 18/04/2018 16:26

Go your holiday if your relatives are happy to step in in case your ex screws things up. He's probably hoping you'll cancel your holiday and then he'll take your DD away and you'll lose out. Don't let him keep controlling you!

Leeds2 · 18/04/2018 16:30

Go on your holiday, and say no more to ex about it.
Arrange for your family to have DD, but let them know that she might be away with her dad. I suspect he won't cancel his holiday at all, he is just trying to make sure that you do.

Original poster

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 16:31

That would be an option re. the week per year. It's so difficult because i work full time and although I have 30 days holiday a year, I use them all to cover my daughters term holidays where I can. My mum used to have her for me but has been very poorly so I can't rely on her now and her dad doesn't even bother during holidays, I have to arrange everything - which is fine as she's my daughter and my responsibility, but it would be good to have some support and for him to step up as a father. Mind you he has two children from a previous marriage (they're in their 30's now) and although he paid his ex through the nose for them to ensure they were well looked after, he wasn't great with having the kids more than his allotted weekends plus the odd week during August - so that's just how he is. He's all about work and keeping hold of his money. Which is fine as I don't want his money, just him to step up and stop being such a total idiot and upsetting my daughter. Thanks for your posts of encouragement though, getting another perspective on it means it lightens the guilt just a little. x

OP posts:

mummymermaid · 18/04/2018 16:33

I bet he's just playing mind games with you and hasn't cancelled the holiday. He's just hoping to ruin yours! Just go on your holiday.

mummymermaid · 18/04/2018 16:36

And you shouldn't feel guilty, your ex should but then he sounds like a narcissist so I doubt he's capable of that emotion!

vilamoura2003 · 18/04/2018 16:40

I would make the arrangements with family and Friends instead. If he did offer, it sounds like he could change his mind last minute and leave you high and dry anyway.

If you cancel, he has won and it is just another example of trying to control you

BitOutOfPractice · 18/04/2018 16:43

I'd write him a letter, registered post saying"I'm going away as you know. Our DD will be staying with x on these dates and y on these dates."

Then go and enjoy yourself

BlueRoses28 · 18/04/2018 16:44

Go on holiday and try to let go of the guilt, it's hard I know.

My daughter doesn't even like going to his and very often asks to stay home with me and my partner who she adores

I would also address this^. Your daughter is at an age now where she can voice her own wishes - and she has/is.

Likejellytots88 · 18/04/2018 16:52

I would send another message or write a letter clearly stating you booked your holiday with your DP to coincide with his holiday with his DD but a few days longer. There was no need for him to cancel his holiday plans as you never planned to take your DD from him. If he has canceled the holiday and can no longer look after his DD on these dates thats fine, alternative arrangements have been made, however should he still wish to have DD that can still happen.
Maybe let your DD read it so she understands too. That way he has all the facts, or more so you know he has all the facts and any decision made after that is down to him and everyone (including your DD) will know that.
He sounds like a right cock btw!

Sammy901 · 18/04/2018 16:58

If he doesn’t take her can you change the holiday destination and add her on?

I’d feel to guilty to leave my daughter at home and go on a 10’day holiday while she’s at home tbh

None of it’s your fault and he’s being a dick.

Shrodingerslion · 18/04/2018 17:00

This sounds exactly like my ex! Same age gap too.

Go on holiday as long as your family are fine with it then no problem. As pp said he will probably take her anyway or get a last minute deal.

RafikiIsTheBest · 18/04/2018 17:02

I'd ask your mum, SIL and friend if they will have her for those days, and tell them the situation, that you ex might take DD on holiday but might not. Then either way the situation is sorted for that part. Which ever one is going to have her the last 4 days I would ask if they can would they be able to pick her up from her dad's on x day, at y time.
Once it's all sorted you can tell your DD that she will either be going with dad on holiday then to mum/SIL/friend or will be going to mum, SIL then friend (which ever order) so she knows.
Once DD is aware it's down to her dad I'd email him, write and/or text him telling him all of this, I'd also tell him face to face. If he would like to take DD you need to know by x date (some reasoning about packing/passport/letting sitters know) and when she needs collecting and telling him who will be collecting her as you and DP will be out of the country.

Sounds like he's enjoying messing you around, but all he is doing is messing your poor DD around. I think the sooner you call bullshit on all his fun and games and just tell him what is happening (either he has DD or she's with whoever you determine) and that you will be going away as planned the sooner he will sort himself out and tell poor DD wtf he is planning on doing.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 18/04/2018 17:03

What a dick. Leave your daughter with family as she is happy to do this and they will.probs spoil her. You are showing her that you won't be dicked around by a man and which is an important life lesson.

Original poster

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 17:07

I would have changed the holiday if I could, but it's non-refundable. Typical that we thought as we have no kids, we'd try an adult only hotel otherwise I would have added her. I've never been to one before, you live and learn and this won't be happening again. Family are all happy to have her, so I think I'll just let him know where she'll be on the dates and then leave it, (not that he tells me who she's with when he has her - he left her with his ex-wife who he's hated since leaving her so he could go on his sons stag do - she'd never met her before, honestly it's beyond shocking). Him knowing he hasn't got that control will really annoy him, which isn't my intention but he'll probably be difficult again with something else. And I think perhaps I will start to just say that my daughter doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, she can make that choice now I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 17:09

You're totally right. I will be doing what you've said and the sooner the better. My daughter just feels unsettled and doesn't want to ask her dad as she knows what he's like. She says I'm her mum and dad and that she loves my partner and wishes he was her dad. What more can you say to that really. His loss as she's amazing!

OP posts:

Furano · 18/04/2018 17:14

Make arrangements for her to go to your family.

Don't have anything else to do with him. He isn;t good for her.

liz70 · 18/04/2018 17:46

If he's definitely not going away on holiday, could you get him to fund a PGL holiday for your DD for that time?

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