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Original poster

Holidaying without my daughter

37 replies

fgcann001 · 18/04/2018 15:55

I'm not sure if this is the right area to post about this as I'm new to mumsnet, but would really appreciate some guidance here as I'm feeling super guilty.
My daughter is 11 years old. I divorced some 4 years ago and my ex is very temperamental. He has a very high position consulting for various companies and has our daughter just 4 days a month (every other weekend). He never has her for extra during any term time, so I have to arrange this myself, but he has taken her on holiday for a week each year during the summer holidays. He told me he had booked a holiday for a week in August this year. So my partner and I booked a holiday for us to go away as we've not had a holiday on our own before, we've always taken my daughter with us. My partner is paying for this holiday as I can't afford it, and he wanted to go for 10 days. I messaged my ex about 3 months ago to ask if he could have our daughter for an extra 4 nights in total to tag on to his week, and he won't reply. He never replies to me and communicates what he wants via our daughter, which obviously sometimes she gets wrong. I've asked him about 5 times over the past months and he just won't reply. My daughter then said that she thought we were going away that time and that's what daddy thought so he'd cancelled the holiday. I've tried to ask him as we have now booked our holiday and will now lose money if we don't go and he just won't reply, even to our daughter - he tells her he's messaged me, knowing full well he hasn't. So now, I'm in a situation where my partner has paid for the holiday and she may not be going away. Not only do I feel guilty now for booking a holiday without her (it's an adults only hotel) but wondered if it's wrong for me to ask my mum, sister-in-law and close friend to share responsibility of having her whilst we are away, having her 4 x nights each. My daughter is happy with this, but wants to know if she's going with her dad or not and he just won't commit. Do you think I should just cancel our holiday and lose all the money, or go - I feel so terribly guilty leaving her if she's not away at the same time. Any words of wisdom or advice on how to deal with a super difficult ex would be appreciated. Thanks. x

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/04/2018 18:05

Go to solicitor and ask them to communicate to your asshole of an xh that you will be on holiday form x until z and that you have arranged she will be holidaying with family/friends during this time but if he wants to take her on an alternative holiday he needs to contact your family/friend about what dates he wants to take her if not not to worry as she is looking forward to spending time with family/friend. If you get solicitor to write letter he can't claim you made up sending it.

Hissy · 18/04/2018 18:09

Arrange for her to go to your family and ignore him if he thinks of coming back to taking her away, let him ruin his holiday plans by being such a wanker

If she doesn’t want to go with him, please don’t make her, allow her to choose not to go.

Oh and GO ON YOUR HOLIDAY with dp!! It’s SO important to spend adult time away from kids together! This is a chance for you to be you, not Muuuuuuum!

Your daughter will have a fabulous time, she’ll love being with her family. She’s happy! It’s your turn now!!

Hissy · 18/04/2018 18:11

Don’t tell him where she is, he cancelled her holiday, right? You made other plans. If he wants to be a decent human being he can work it out, seeing as he’s so fucking clever...

GreenTulips · 18/04/2018 18:21

I would stick to your arrangements

You are going on holiday and DD has childcare covered.

I wouldn't tell him where she is either

I'm really not sure why you are ASKING and not telling. This is why he's being a dick.

IF his contact falls during the holiday then say 'DD will be at Aunt Hetties, you can collect her there at the normal pick up drop off points.

No need to even ask about his plans because he doesn't have any as far as you know

Stop playing into his hands

Angrybird345 · 18/04/2018 18:24

Keep your holiday and let your family have your dd for 10 days. She will get spoilt rotten and enjoy it! Unless your arse ex miraculously gets the holiday sorted.

Lifeisshortbuytheshoes · 18/04/2018 18:33

Def don’t cancel your holiday. He’s just messing with your head, these kind of people just love the feeling of power.

I would stick with the arrangement of relatives having her the few extra days. I bet he still goes on holiday and if not can you plan another little holiday to take your dd on at another time? Even if it’s just a few days away in this country and then she (and you) will feel she hasn’t missed out.

itsbetterthanabox · 18/04/2018 20:04

Can't you ask him at pick up/drop off?
What a knob.
Go on holiday! Have fun. Your daughter will be fine with family if he refuses to be a parent.
My mum went on a holiday without me when I was a kid and I stayed with family friends. Had loads of fun!

sonjadog · 18/04/2018 20:13

Don´t cancel your holiday. He is trying to mess with your head and if you cancel, he has won. You have an alternative solution to the question, so use it. Your daughter can stay with your family if he refuses or changes his mind. So either way you are covered. Even if he agrees now, it doesn´t sound unlikely that he might change his mind last minute to try and ruin things for you, so I would make plans that don´t include him. If he does come through, then see that as a bonus.

dancinfeet · 18/04/2018 23:22

My ex did exactly this. Was meant to be having the kids as it was his weekend, my friend booked a spa weekend for both of us last min. Ex found out and refused to come and pick the kids up and my friend lost her money, she didn't want to go by herself and couldn't get anyone else to go in my place last minute. He is still a twat

KC225 · 19/04/2018 01:14

Who does pick up and drop off?

Another one saying go on the holiday, send daughter to her Aunties. She'll have a brilliant time. Don't tell him where she is. You are being too nice.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 19/04/2018 04:33

Court ordered holiday weeks sound like a great idea.... but all that means is that you must make your daughter available for contact during those times. A court order absolutely cannot force him to commit to having her on those dates.

Go on holiday. Text or email along the lines of 'I understand you have cancelled your holiday on x date. I have made alternative childcare arrangements, please contact me by email or text by y date (say a month in advance) if you wish to discuss futher.

MintyT · 19/04/2018 04:48

Go on holiday and have a lovely time. Your daughter will be happy with the arrangements you have made and I wouldn't bother advising her dad. If she doesn't enjoy going to his anymore let her stay at home. If he wants involvement in her life he can contact you. Like you said it's about control and you need to take this back. Enjoy your holiday

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