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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think excited or not, this is a bit cruel?

42 replies

buddahbelly · 18/04/2018 15:14

So nearly everyone around me is pregnant, my 3 best friend's, a few distant friends, my sister in law. As for myself on the other hand, we have been trying for nearly 4 years to have dc2. After having numerous Mc's I have been told by my miscarriage clinic there is no further tests that they can provide for me.

My friend all know this as after asking numerous times I eventually told them what was happening. My oldest friend struggled through IVF, and has recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Even though she was struggling herself we were always there cheering each other along.

However another friend and my sister in law especially, who have taken to sending me scan pictures, or If I ask how they are doing? (as im still trying to be there for them) I get a picture of the bump or something. Ive explained that whilst I can help from afar it still does upset me seeing scan pictures - the last 1 I had was telling me my baby had died.

aibu or is that just a bit insensitive. I do understand the world still turns whatever, they are just excited. I just don't think in the same position I would be quick to show off a scan picture knowing the history. each time They send me one I get a stabbing feeling.

And for the record this is not every scan picture I see - just close friends who know my record. How do I even explain to them to stop sending me them without sounding like i'm sat in my house being bitchy about them.

OP posts:
SadTears · 18/04/2018 15:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable, not a bit!! I really feel for you. I think it is very insensitive when they know you are struggling. I think they should perhaps ask before sending scan or bump photos, or why not let you decide so you can ask if you want to see them?

Would you be confident enough to tell them directly 'no photos please'?

Two of my children are having a baby this summer and, despite being super-excited, I am finding scan photos and bump photos difficult to see (and normally have a bit of a cry later when I am alone).

Original poster
buddahbelly · 18/04/2018 16:08

I just messaged the one who sent me this today, I hadn't replied at all so she kept on asking me not to blank her and what did I think the sex was.

I said, I appreciate you're all excited, i've never been any good at guessing the sex anyway but can you appreciate how I feel when I open up my phone to see another scan picture from someone else, and how it makes me feel.

I've not had a reply back, but im not sure what else to say to be honest. I know im going to have to deal with seeing all these babies around me and somehow that feels a lot easier to cope with than a scan picture. the babies I can associate to their parents, the scan pic can easily be anyones. hard to explain what Im trying to say.

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 18/04/2018 16:13

I’d say it’s a bit of the classic thinking that you have a child so no need to be overly sensitive. I think a lot of people don’t really understand secondary infertility and the upset that goes with it.

OhWhatAWonderfulDay · 18/04/2018 16:16

I'm going with a PP, they might be viewing it as "she's got a kid, so why would this affect her". I guess they & myself included wouldn't understand.

It's not so much as ignorance, it's purely not having been through it themselves.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 18/04/2018 18:43

Yeah I can appreciate that, and to a stranger I would just put it down to being ignorant slightly and not really understanding unless you've been through it yourself.

But to friends who have seen me through the last 4 years knowing how upset I get each time it happens, then I find it insensitive.

OP posts:
RoseWhiteTips · 18/04/2018 18:45

It is insensitive and hurtful.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 19/04/2018 09:59

I feel as though I need to go away and be on my own for a year or 2. I now have facebook stuff going on about gender reveals, its not enough that its on there (and I barely go on there yet that was the 1st thing I saw), so now I have friends text me "oh did you see xxxxx is having a boy" you haven't replied or congratulated her.

Is it me? I spoke with dp last night and he said it was a very insensitive thing to do, but i'm not sure if I feel this way our of being reasonable or because its a subject close to my heart.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope seeing these ladies getting bigger and people fawning over them asking if they've picked names yet which has already begun. im trying so hard to put on a brave face and act happy but inside i'm dying and don't want to go out!

OP posts:
MacaroniPenguin · 19/04/2018 10:09

You tell them your middle paragraph from your OP. Again. And if that doesn't make them pipe down for a bit then yes, they are being insensitive.

Not replying to a msg is not "very insensitive". Not everyone is glued to messages or FB. It's normal - normal, not wrong - to react more because it is a subject close to your heart. That doesn't make it an overreaction. It sounds to me like you are doing an awful lot already to cope with this, and it's reasonable to ask for a bit more accommodation on their side. Or, y'know, press "like" out of politeness then hide it, if that's an option.

sonjadog · 19/04/2018 10:13

They are being very insensitive. I think you tell them how it makes to feel as you wrote it in your OP. Hopefully that will make them catch a grip and think a bit more about how they are behaving.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 19/04/2018 10:15

That's a bit unthinking. Have you tried explaining how you feel? Flowers

GeminiWarrior · 19/04/2018 10:16

I would expect close friends to be more considerate of my feelings, YANBU.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/04/2018 10:19

YANBU
Can you say something like I am really excited for you but looking at scan photos is bringing back a few painful memories at the moment so would you mind not sending them to me. I love hearing your news but I a struggling with the pictures.

UpstartCrow · 19/04/2018 10:21

Yanbu, and the message about you blanking them was ridiculous.

AnotherDunroamin · 19/04/2018 10:22

YANBU. I recently met up with some friends, one of whom has been trying for a number of years to have a baby. We're all mid-30s to 40s so some of us have kids, some are pregnant etc. She messaged the group before we met saying how difficult she's finding things atm and could we please avoid lots of baby/children conversation when we meet. I really respected her being so upfront, and it made us all aware to be sensitive when we met.
If you're not in the situation yourself it's easy to assume that if something's been going on for a few years it's gotten easier or the person has come to terms with it, when that's often not actually the case. Maybe your friends don't mean to be cruel but they just need a reminder that you're struggling.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 19/04/2018 10:29

anotherdunroamin I salute your friend for doing that, honestly I do.

I have just messaged one of my so called friends and reiterated the point that baby scan pictures do upset me. The last 1 I have is not from my living son but from the lady who told me I was 11 weeks pregnant and so very close to telling people only to loose it the next day.

It kills me seeing a scan picture, As much as I dont want it to, im sorry it does. I can still be happy for you all though just give me a bit of time to get things right in my own head.

whether I get a reply to that I dont know.

OP posts:
ShinyShooney · 19/04/2018 10:30

Your message is quite aggressive.

I think you need to actually say to your friends. I am struggling with this, please don't send me scan pictures but I am still very happy for you. I think its very normal to send scan pictures and bump pictures to close friends. I expect you shared yours. They can't read your mind- if you don't say how you are feeling how will they know. They probably don't want to exclude you or treat you differently if you haven't asked for it.

RedDwarves · 19/04/2018 10:33

Why are you saying she’s your “so-called friend”?

GeminiWarrior · 19/04/2018 10:33

Yes maybe reword your message if you need to send to anyone else. A PP wrote a good suggestion earlier.

PiggyPoos · 19/04/2018 10:33

I wouldn't send a scan pic to someone who's recently had multiple miscarriages and ask them to guess the sex I think it's very very thoughtless.

Though I agree texts can sometimes not be the best method to get your point across, maybe if you explained in person.

There's being pleased for people and being excited yes but I don't see why the scan pictures

OliviaBenson · 19/04/2018 10:36

I get it op. Childfree by choice by my god, I'm at a age where it's in my face all the time. Friends (who I love honest!) are just SO wrapped up in their own baby/pregnancy bubble they fail to see it sometimes. I hate all the social media stuff too- gender reveal is just bollocks. It's all so self serving.

I have a friend in a similar situation to you and this stuff really weighs on her mind too and she carries around so much guilt - for not being able to conceive, for not being happy for others news. It's awful.

No advice but I get it.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 19/04/2018 10:36

I didnt send that word for word, dont worry. and no I didnt share my scan picture at all. why would I.

Its was only exciting for myself and dp and immediate family. They all look the same, although I can appreciate the excitement about it. I dont see the need to put pictures of it all over facebook?? but thats just my personal view.

OP posts:
liondance · 19/04/2018 10:37

I think it’s really insensitive. On what planet does someone not get that if a scan picture goes unacknowledged there might be a reason.

Original poster
buddahbelly · 19/04/2018 10:38

Oh and they do know how im feeling - thats the thing. thats why I feel its insensitive as ive spoken at great length how im struggling with all of this and yet they still behave this way - although I can appreciate your point that they dont want me to feel excluded - I actually dont mind being excluded from this part of their lives.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2018 10:39

I don't think you were aggressive at all! You are allowed to be hurting and anyone would give you time to get your head in the right place.

If you have been keeping it all in and putting on a smile then they will have thought you had processed it all, so they might be a but surprised, but good friends will understand.

Don't worry about it. But don't go back to clamming up about how you feel, it needs to be acknowledged or you will only end up hurting yourself and your friends!

liondance · 19/04/2018 10:40

PS I ended a friendship with someone who send me a pregnancy announcement photo in response to me saying I was feeling really low about not having a baby and then repeatedly texted me asking if I had seen her picture yet. Just fucking no.