To think excited or not, this is a bit cruel?

[buddahbelly]

So nearly everyone around me is pregnant, my 3 best friend's, a few distant friends, my sister in law. As for myself on the other hand, we have been trying for nearly 4 years to have dc2. After having numerous Mc's I have been told by my miscarriage clinic there is no further tests that they can provide for me.

My friend all know this as after asking numerous times I eventually told them what was happening. My oldest friend struggled through IVF, and has recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Even though she was struggling herself we were always there cheering each other along.

However another friend and my sister in law especially, who have taken to sending me scan pictures, or If I ask how they are doing? (as im still trying to be there for them) I get a picture of the bump or something. Ive explained that whilst I can help from afar it still does upset me seeing scan pictures - the last 1 I had was telling me my baby had died.

aibu or is that just a bit insensitive. I do understand the world still turns whatever, they are just excited. I just don't think in the same position I would be quick to show off a scan picture knowing the history. each time They send me one I get a stabbing feeling.

And for the record this is not every scan picture I see - just close friends who know my record. How do I even explain to them to stop sending me them without sounding like i'm sat in my house being bitchy about them.

Sorry I cross posted... you have very insensitive friends.

Time to withdraw a little and regroup. Anyone who is worth a damn will cone find you... good luck!

liondance im so sorry. theres just no excuse for some people at all.

I'm quite shocked that they would send scan pictures like that. I'm so sorry OP.

You are totally not being unreasonable at all.

I’m sorry your friends are being insensitive. You may have to spell it out for them.

Maybe there so caught up in the excitement they just don't think. I may have read wrong and correct me if I have but your asking them how they are doing? If someone was asking me how my pregnancy was going I wouldn't think to not send a scan. Maybe because your asking they just don't realise how much it affects you.

I think it might be an idea for you to ask your friends and family not to post you photos of their scans. It's the type of thing that some people wouldn't mind and would actually welcome whereas others like you find upsetting. I wouldn't be bothered to see them in your situation although I would know that not everyone would feel that way.

I think that a straightforward request is the way to go. I'm sure your friends and family wouldn't want to upset you.

I only really have 3 female friends, one is 18 and not even close to trying for a baby, one is 18 and currently 19 weeks pregnant, i ant have children, and my other female friend is 24 and has been TTC, not sure how long for but a fairly long while, but like me has pcos and other issues affecting her fertility. We're all in a group chat and i had to step in and ask if pregnant friend could please stop updating us on how far along she was every week ( it's a 10+ person group, all but us 4 males, chat for a group of us who met online gaming and became good friends, we don't know/see eachother in real life) and posting lots about the baby as it was upsetting me since i couldn't have children. It actually wasn't that i had an issue with it, i just knew it was really hurting TTC friend and i didn't mind people thinking i was the one who couldn't handle it as i'm completely at terms with the fact i will always be childless and never really wanted one anyway. As such,, i didn't mind putting it out in the open that due to medical issues i can't have a baby, and pregnant friend has since kept all updates etc to her own statues which can be unfollowed and still stay friends. It was complete second nature for me to immediately think how baby news could affect the other females, so why it didn't occur to pregnant friend or in your case your friends to consider you and act differntly is beyond me.

Almost you're right. it does make you think a whole lot more about everyday questions. The amount of times i've had to shield personal questions regarding when i'm having another is ridiculous thinking back.

I desperately want to tell everyone actually I have been through 7 miscarriages so each time you ask me is like a slap in the face. and when you send me a scan picture its hits twice as hard.

If im honest I have found myself distancing myself from them and moving to other friends. I would see my sister in law regularly but since she got pregnant she has completely stayed away from me - thats an extreme reaction and ive tried to keep the friendship going by messaging her now and then casually asking if she has things sorted like a pram etc. it's completely out of the blue when she sends me a scan picture. so when I say im messaging - it's basically stuff like that so im appearing to make an effort with her.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think though, grief is different for different people and its likely that your friends/family are not really understanding what is triggering your's. I think it would be completedly the right thing to do to just tell them would they mind not sending you photos and scans as its is bringing up past sad memories for you. It's hard when people are going through different stages in their life as its probably more a case of them not wanting to make you feel left out and they have no proper understanding of your hidden pain.
Also, I have had 4 IVF cycles and the clinic I went to was exceptionally good at secondary infertility. I'm sorry if you have already explored this route but I felt it worth mentioning to you - at the time of my cycles I read up a lot on the subject and it seems that in some cases woman have trouble falling pregnant with a second child if their body during their first pregnancy developed certain antibodies. The clinic I went to suppressed the woman's immune system during pregnancy to allow them to carry a child - my friend had this treatment successfully. The concept is explained in this book: Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?: Unexplained Infertility, Miscarriage and IVF Failure, Explained
My sister had secondary infertility - all her tests came back normal but she went to a more natural doctor and it turned out she actually had thyroid issues. This doctor explained that 'normal' ranges of certain tests are taken from the general population...and some of this general population are not well or what is normal for someone else is not normal for another person. She was trying for three years and this doctor put her on thyroid medication and she fell pregnant within 3 months at the age of 38. Her local GP had kept telling her that her thyroid test were 'normal'. She stayed on the throid medication as she felt better on it...and then accidentally fell pregnant again at 41.
Good luck with talking to your friends and family.

If someone was asking me how my pregnancy was going I wouldn't think to not send a scan.

Really? Even if you know that they are having trouble conceiving and may well be forcing themselves to ask even when they might prefer not to talk about your good fortune?

I'm surprised that anyone feels the need to send scans to anyone at all to be honest. I showed my parents and my in-laws, and literally nobody else except a friend who asked just to see if she could identify which bit was which! To me, asking someone how their pregnancy is going is just that, not an invitation to share a picture of your uterus! I'm not saying you're wrong, just that it's a level of detail which I completely wouldn't expect and would make me feel a bit uncomfortable even without the addition of fertility problems.

OP - I hope they get it, or at least if they don't that they are able to keep a lid on their own excitement while they are around you to avoid rubbing salt into the wound.

OP, is there any reason not to politely ask your family and friends not to send scan pictures. I’m sure if you asked them they would stop. You don’t need to explain or tell them it’s like ‘a slap’ in your face when they send them. All you need to do is to ask them to stop.

Dojo I'm not talking about anyone who asks I'm talking about family. Op is talking about her sister in law. I've had my own problems I wouldn't mind my family sending me a picture. Yes OP is different and struggles with but my point is maybe her sister in law doesn't quite get it. Especially as OP is asking how they are. Even after explaining some people just don't understand, more so if they've never been through it even more if they're absorbed in there excitement. It's just a guess.

I think it might be hard but you just have to suck it up. My friend who lost her mum finds it hard when others mention something lovely they have done with their mums. My relationship ended in awful circumstances and I can get a little sad when others get engaged. I am not saying either of these things are the same but you have to try not to be jealous and try to be the kind of person who can be happy for others. It’s hard but we just have to do it. It’s part of the human condition.

And yes if you really can’t deal with it, just ask them not to. But if they shared in your joy when you had DC1 and this is now their DC1, they may find it surprising. For me, I would try to be the bigger person.

I completely understand as I did lots and lots of ivf so I lost a few friends a long the way. My advice is to hide face book posts and go into profiles when you are able.
People may not understand as you had a child but hopefully the true friends will.
If they don’t you may have to decide if you can cope for the relationship or whether you can’t which may mean you loose the friendship.

But if you do have multiple muscarriages it sounds like a blood clotting condition. Have a look on some fertility sites but secondary infertility is common so worth spending some time on research

dojo thank you for explaining how I feel better then I ever could. I also wouldn't think to send a scan picture if asked how im feeling.

If I was pregnant and somebody asked that just making general conversation I would probably reply a bit tired, achey something along those lines...not in a million years would I think to send a scan picture??

I have asked family to not send me them. they seem to have forgotten this.

I also appreciate your advice fabulous but after 4 years of NHS tests blood clotting conditions being the main thing they were searching for so it is not that.

I think it might be hard but you just have to suck it up. My friend who lost her mum finds it hard when others mention something lovely they have done with their mums. My relationship ended in awful circumstances and I can get a little sad when others get engaged. I am not saying either of these things are the same but you have to try not to be jealous and try to be the kind of person who can be happy for others. It’s hard but we just have to do it. It’s part of the human condition. And yes if you really can’t deal with it, just ask them not to. But if they shared in your joy when you had DC1 and this is now their DC1, they may find it surprising. For me, I would try to be the bigger person

I agree with this. I have huge sympathy for OP and anyone else who would like a child / more children and it's not happening for them

I also think that OP's friends have been very insensitive

BUT ....... when you are single / not a mother / unemployed / whatever the issue may be, you have to accept that other people are lucky and do have the things that you yearn for. When I was single & lonely, I found it difficult, but I kept it to myself as best I could. I would never have asked other people not to talk about their relationships