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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i being unreasonable? Children are getting different amounts saved for them.

72 replies

user1985 · 18/04/2018 12:26

So my husband and I were talking finance's at the weekend, and I happened to mention that I had been putting money away for all the kids.

we have 3 children, one is mine, one is his and one together.

I put £60 a month away for my child and our child and £20 for his child. The reason being, her mother and I get on very well and were having a conversation a few years back when we discussed saving money for the terrors and she told me she puts £50 a month away for my husbands and her child and will give her the money when shes 21 (same plan for us).

SO works out that husbands child is getting £10 extra a month than ours (who cares, £10 is £10).

But when my husband found out that my child and our child our getting £60 a month saved and his is only getting £20 he was livid!!
I explained why, ie. they would all end up having the same lump sum when they were 21 etc and still, didn't seem to placate him. I then brought to his attention that his daughter is in line for a £500,000 inheritance (grandparents are 89 and 91) and ours and mine are not, but he just kept saying how unfair I was and that it is completely out of order to give them all different amounts and says its not his childs fault that they are getting an inheritance and that it shouldn't matter (this pissed me off).

The money I am saving is not for clothes and holidays, it is so our children can buy a house if they wish to. Its bloody hard to save up that sort of money and I just wanted to give them all a little head start. My child and our child would have far less than his child at 21 if I split it equally between them. They are obviously all written into our will equally and always will be regardless.

I am absolutely F'd off about the whole thing and just wanted to see what others thought?

I cant imagine I am being unreasonable but maybe I am? you never know...

OP posts:

steff13 · 18/04/2018 12:31

I don't think you're being unreasonable. How much is he saving for them?

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 12:31

I can see all angles here but what about your child from the previous relationship, don't they stand to get extra stuff from the fathers side? I can see where your DH is coming from, when you take his child from a previous relationship is getting less but your child from a previous relationship isn't

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 12:32

Oh actually i assumed it was joint money you were saving btw, if it's not then that's a different story

Pleasebeafleabite · 18/04/2018 12:35

My two have different fathers and one received funds from estate of paternal grandparents. I still saved the same amount for both as it was my contribution to their future and I felt it was fairer that way personally

Having said that £500k is a life changing amount. Surely the dd’s mother would have something to say about the half a mill inheritance missing her out in favour of her daughter. What is the dd actually likely to receive?

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 18/04/2018 12:36

I can see both sides, but, as I've got older, I've tended towards equality of outcome over equality of treatment a bit more.

For example, I played the flute when I was younger, I was quite good at it, so my parents got me a flute. They didn't get my siblings flutes to 'be fair' but instead, waited for something they were good at and enjoyed and did similar for them. ie. equality of outcome.

So no, YANBU in my opinion - you've spoken to your step-daughter's mum, and you're all pretty much in balance, and that feels fair.

Original poster

user1985 · 18/04/2018 12:39

Not joint money, coming from my wages I get £100 maintenance a month and take £60 straight out and put it in our childs saving.. my child's father has spent his inheritance on buying a house so fingers crossed he's around for a while and that is irrelevant My husband's parents are sadly not here and my mum, just gets by so no other inheritance for ours.

He pays £600 a month child maintenance and pretty much thinks kids should make their own way in life like he did so he's not really fussed about saving. he says he will help them out with bits and bobs when they are older but that is all really.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1985 · 18/04/2018 12:40

husbands childs mother is getting over a million in inheritance as well.

OP posts:

Pleasebeafleabite · 18/04/2018 12:41

If your own cash and not joint funds I fail to see how you can be unreasonable

LeighaJ · 18/04/2018 12:42

His child with ex will end up with more based on the extra £10 a month...yet he thinks she's being treated unfairly? Dafuq?

Babyplaymat · 18/04/2018 12:42

The fact you put any away for his child is pretty good going tbh. You're not being at all unreasonable

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 12:43

Not joint money, coming from my wages I get £100 maintenance a month and take £60 straight out and put it in our childs saving

Oh well forget about my first post then, your DH is being a pretty cheeky fucker

Original poster

user1985 · 18/04/2018 12:44

we split all bills equally But he pays for all food shopping and child care ( he earns far more).so because of that, I have a bit of extra cash than I would have (hence I am saving).

I think that is his point, but I still think he's being a dick.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 18/04/2018 12:44

I think if you’re saving out of your own personal money for HIS child who he doesn’t feel there is any reason to save for because he believes in them making their own way in life, then I think you get to decide how you do that. If he doesn’t think saving matters and doesn’t contribute, he doesn’t get to complain how you do it.

TacoFlavouredKisses · 18/04/2018 12:45

But... she's getting £10 more a month? I don't understand what his issue is? And, if it bothers him so much, why he doesn't contribute himself?

TheHumanMothboy · 18/04/2018 12:48

I have different amounts saved for my children, but that is because one is three years older, so has had money put away for longer. Obviously, I'll stop saving for that one three years before I stop for the other.
How is his child missing out, really?

elisenbrunnen · 18/04/2018 12:51

OK so just pay into your own children's accounts. Let him and the Stepchild's mother pay into their child's account.

Job done.

Nose/spite/face.

Original poster

user1985 · 18/04/2018 12:52

Thank you mums netters!!!

Just to add, we only found out about the inheritance 2 months ago, but still her mum has been saving and she still would have had more at 21.

i will now continue to tell him to get a bloody grip!

OP posts:

DarkPeakScouter · 18/04/2018 13:02

wow, he's being completely unreasonable!

StaplesCorner · 18/04/2018 13:08

Is he a bit of an arse generally OP? That sounds really mean, its your money and your child etc and are these are modest amounts I presume you are not rolling in it so not entirely sure how he has that mindset?

Viviennemary · 18/04/2018 13:17

Things aren't going to ever be fair. I think the fairest way forward is for you to pay for your own children's savings and let your DP and ex decide what savings their child will have.

Viviennemary · 18/04/2018 13:18

And inheritance can never be counted upon. People change their wills or circumstances change

MissTeri · 18/04/2018 13:19

YANBU

In your situation as he's paying £600 a month maintenance I probably wouldn't have even thought to save money for his child given that the money you save for your child comes from maintenance - surely £600 a month is more than enough for his ex to save money for his child with him?

gillybeanz · 18/04/2018 13:22

There's no way you should be saving anything for someone else's child, no matter how well you get on with the mother.
Your dh should be saving for his own child, and the fact he was livid would tell me a lot about his character tbh.
Tell him if he wants to save for HIS children he can do.

GnotherGnu · 18/04/2018 13:28

What you choose to do with your maintenance and your earnings in relation to saving for your children is not his business. If he's that bothered about his child, he can start saving for him/her separately.

Juells · 18/04/2018 13:29

Ridiculous. Save for your own children and let him save for his. I'd take whatever you've already saved for his child and add it to the pot for my own. If he's going to be pissy let him do the saving.

Does he think you're unfair to his child in other ways, or is this the only thing that's caused a row?

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