Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

am i being unreasonable? Children are getting different amounts saved for them.

72 replies

user1985 · 18/04/2018 12:26

So my husband and I were talking finance's at the weekend, and I happened to mention that I had been putting money away for all the kids.

we have 3 children, one is mine, one is his and one together.

I put £60 a month away for my child and our child and £20 for his child. The reason being, her mother and I get on very well and were having a conversation a few years back when we discussed saving money for the terrors and she told me she puts £50 a month away for my husbands and her child and will give her the money when shes 21 (same plan for us).

SO works out that husbands child is getting £10 extra a month than ours (who cares, £10 is £10).

But when my husband found out that my child and our child our getting £60 a month saved and his is only getting £20 he was livid!!
I explained why, ie. they would all end up having the same lump sum when they were 21 etc and still, didn't seem to placate him. I then brought to his attention that his daughter is in line for a £500,000 inheritance (grandparents are 89 and 91) and ours and mine are not, but he just kept saying how unfair I was and that it is completely out of order to give them all different amounts and says its not his childs fault that they are getting an inheritance and that it shouldn't matter (this pissed me off).

The money I am saving is not for clothes and holidays, it is so our children can buy a house if they wish to. Its bloody hard to save up that sort of money and I just wanted to give them all a little head start. My child and our child would have far less than his child at 21 if I split it equally between them. They are obviously all written into our will equally and always will be regardless.

I am absolutely F'd off about the whole thing and just wanted to see what others thought?

I cant imagine I am being unreasonable but maybe I am? you never know...

OP posts:

dirtyquerty · 18/04/2018 14:40

she will lose 40% to the tax man

Eliza9917 · 18/04/2018 14:43

I'd take the money that you've been putting away for his kid and split it between your two kids' savings. Let the mother and him save for her.

I'd also think about adjusting your wills because if all kids are supposed to receive the same, then his kid and your kid will end up with more as they have other parents to inherit from, and your kid together will only inherit from you two, which will leave them worse off. They should be receiving a larger chunk of any inheritance from you & your husband.

Trinity66 · 18/04/2018 14:47

Nah I wouldn't do that, you don't know what will happen in the future, they could be left nothing when their other parents died, they might end up having to use up whatever they had before they died etc. I think it's definitely fairer to be equal with your children in your own will regardless

Doryismyname · 18/04/2018 14:50

Why are you saving money for your DHs child out of maintenance supposedly to support your child? If your DH or his ex want to save for their DD then leave it to them to sort out.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/04/2018 14:55

She isn't saving for the other child out the maintenance. She clearly said she gets 100 and saves 60 for hers and ex's child

BringMeCoffeePlease · 18/04/2018 14:56

He's being unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing.

Has there been problems before about the children being treated differently?

BangPippleGo · 18/04/2018 14:58

YANBU. I put away twice as much a month for DS as I do for DSS - reason being that it's out of shared finances, so I'm paying £20 a month for my son whilst DH is paying £20 a month each for his two sons. DS gets £40, DSS gets £20.

I know DSS's mum saves for him and he is also in line for a large inheritance (only child/grandchild).

LimonViola · 18/04/2018 15:09

This is the most middle class thread ever. It always amazes me how many people on MN are certain they have inheritances coming and spend ages debating how much, what's a fair division etc.

Does nobody's parent die and have nothing to leave like most people I know?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/04/2018 15:12

Don't worry Limon, not a penny in inheritance here from any grandparents, def not from my parents and prob not from IL's. Also no capacity for regular savings

VanGoghsDog · 18/04/2018 15:13

Well, the answer is - you save whatever you want for your child, you agree with him what you save jointly for your joint child (and it's none of his business what you save for yours) and he saves whatever he wants for his child (and it's none of your business how much that is).

Why you are making all the decisions is the mystery really.

And, no-one is 'on line for an inheritance', it might get spent, lost, etc, so that should not be factored in at all.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2018 15:16

The fact that you are saving anything at all for his child is a bonus and he should be bloody grateful.

I just don't understand how unreasonable he's being. He's got a real cheek.

His behaviour would really piss me off.

feelinggoodinspring · 18/04/2018 15:19

Yanbu. You are very entitled to save for your children's futures without doing the same for your dsc. You're generous saving £20 as it is.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2018 15:24

Does nobody's parent die and have nothing to leave like most people I know?

If there was nothing to leave, the OP wouldn't be talking about an inheritance.

Of course if your parents rent and you know they get by from month to month...or are just managing their pensions and have no assets... then there won't be any inheritance.

It's not rocket science.

My parents own properties...so yes my siblings and I will one day inherit those properties. Where else would they go.

Original poster

user1985 · 18/04/2018 15:33

Split thread!

all very fair points, to be honest, me and the husband don't really argue over much but he seems to have 'guilty parent syndrome' and it drives me insane!! When it comes to the firstborn, golden child rings a bell.

absolutely adores our child but obviously, his other child gets a lot of lee way because we only have her 30% of the time.

I think the whole argument is nonsense, I have no idea what has gotten into him, he is seriously overreacting! I tried to talk about it again last night and he is still mad about it.

I'm not really one to pander to sulky men so he can go F ..well you know the rest.

Just wanted to check I wasn't actually 'The evil stepmother' and completely on the wrong page!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1985 · 18/04/2018 15:35

Mightymucks- Yours is my husband's point.

I understand the logic of his argument, its just things aren't always so black and white, I am coming from that argument.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/04/2018 15:36

The fact that he's not actually saving a penny for them himself and deciding its unfair is ludicrous.

I'm not really one to pander to sulky men so he can go F ..well you know the rest.

Brilliant. Exactly how is feel.☺

BewareOfDragons · 18/04/2018 15:42

You are ensuring the children have the same amount as an outcome at 21. That is absolutely reasonable. Your husband is being ridiculous.

His child is already going to be much better off than the other two, so he needs to get a grip.

The fact that you're saving anything at all for your stepchild is amazing, and he should have said thank you rather than bitch and moan. What a twat.

Ivorbig1 · 18/04/2018 15:59

Being fair to your children doesn’t always mean they receive equally.
Oldest child had a car for his birthday only cheap run around, but still, a big deal.
The toddler got a lot less. Your husband can save himself surely.

lalalalyra · 18/04/2018 15:59

I can sort of see where he is coming from, but a) he should have explained himself better and b) he should be offering to add to his child's savings.

We have a mix in our house - Ds1 is technically my step-son, my 2 girls are not DH's and the younger 3 are ours. We save equally for all 6. DS1 is in line for a hefty inheritance from his maternal grandparents as he'll inherit his late mother's share. My 2 might get someting small from their grandparents. Younger 3 are unlikely to get anything from anywhere except us. However, we save equally as they are equal in our house and inheritances are never guaranteed. For all we know Ds1's granny could decide to leave it all to the cat home (unlikely).

howabout · 18/04/2018 16:03

I can see both sides of this.

Just for a bit of perspective, DH and I have 3 DC spread out over 10 years. Because of changes to Govt incentives (Child Trust Funds etc) we have different amounts saved and approaches for all 3. In retrospect I think it would have been better just to save a total amount in one account in our name to spend on each of them as and when it made most sense. A lot can change in 20 years.

Ivorbig1 · 18/04/2018 16:05

If your husband wants fairness how about when the youngest child turns 18 all the children’s savings are pooled then shared equally. Now that will be fair.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 18/04/2018 17:52

I'd be tempted to suggest that you put away £60 for your own child, each of you contribute £30 for your joint child and he puts aside £60 for his child if he thinks that is needed, given the inheritance that is due. Then you're both splitting the savings equally. That leaves you with a bit spare which you could put in separate savings generally for a rainy day.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread