... about husband not vacuuming

[FunderAnna]

Husband is retired. He runs a small hobby business from home - which will very say a couple of times a month, require him to do a few hours work which brings in a small amount of money. He is fit and well. I am 10 years younger than him. I work part-time away from home 2 or 3 days a week and am dong paid work at home for at least another day a week.

Since he stopped working full-time we have had endless discussions about chores. He shops and cooks on the days when I am out at work and will sometimes do this on other days. He does half the washing up. At my suggestion he also takes care of the laundry. But he does no other cleaning and tidying so the house will become thick with dust and the floors filthy. He simply does not notice. At one point he did vacuuming but our old hoover was not very efficient and he disliked the machine and did it badly. This was during a period where my work from home, which is freelance, had dried up so I said that while I was at home more I'd do the hoovering.

But for the last 3 months I've been working harder than ever. In January the old vacuum cleaner died and we bought a new one which was very efficient. I showed him the basic controls after assembling it and told him where I'd left the manual so that he could take a look. About four of five times I've mentioned that he doesn't seem to have tried out the vacuum cleaner yet.

Over Easter I was working really hard - the house is a mess and this morning I snapped at him about not having done any tidying or cleaning when I'd been at work yesterday. He just went 'But I thought you did the vacuuming. You said that you'd do it.'

I just feel rage and despair. Any thoughts?

If you feel like you are flogging a dead horse delegate him something you hate doing and you take over the vacuuming. My dh hoovers (Dysons?) but does a shit job and I would rather do it myself. He is great with bins and jet washing the back yard though!

Ask him to pay for a cleaner to do his chores if he can’t manage them himself?

Just tell him exactly what you would like him to do?!
Write a rota of chores for you both.

I think what I would like is for him to do something that he seems to be incapable of i.e. - to see what needs doing and do it, especially when I am really busy

There are times when the house is untidier than other times i.e. after visitors. When he is less busy and I am more busy.

So when the kitchen floor is obviously filthy I'd like him to mop it. When the fridge is full of rotting food, I'd like him to throw it away. Ditto with the piles of newspapers when they get too high. If he's cooking I'd like him to buy not just what he needs for that particular meal but to check whether we are running low on basics such as teabags and milk, and get those things. I have explained all this numerous times - but it's not something he gets. He just wouldn't think. 'Oh well I'm back from U3A German class and have an hour or so before Anna gets back from work. Why don't I just spend 30 minutes or so tidying up and cleaning.'

But if that is far far too difficult for his brain, then I suppose I'll have to think about (inflexible) chore division yet again.

Ime men don't see things unless they are pointed out. Not just cleaning, in life in general.
My dh relishes a list!!
Ploughs thorough shit loads.
He is a sahp and has been for 3 years but still loves a list!!
No list and I can never tell what he has done all day!!

If he shops and cooks at least half the time, does half the washing up and the laundry, can you not run the hoover round a couple of times a week and mop the floors?

Does the house really get that messy?

I think the jobs that only I do are these.

• moving the lawn and trimming hedges. Weeding
• cleaning sinks and basins
• mopping floors
• changing bedding and towels
• throwing away rotten vegetables and old food from the fridge
• vacuuming
• dusting
• ironing bedding. (It's pure cotton so needs this.)
• making shopping lists so that we don't run out of staple foods
• organising household repairs and replacing major items

• cooking and food shopping is 50%

The things that he and only he does are:

• the laundry (after I kicked up a big fuss soon after he retired)
• some stuff to do with the car, like getting it serviced
• some DIY eg unblocking sinks
• sometimes planting and tending a few vegetables on the patio, and tidying that.

Given that I'd say he probably averages 3 hours paid work a week, while I'd usually be doing around 28 hours, I'm not sure we have the balance right.

The house is a oldish 4 bed terrace house - rooms with high ceilings - with a fair amount of garden. So it does need a bit of looking after, just to stop everything getting out of hand.

I'm afraid I don't quite get a couple of those.

Why is food sitting in your fridge and rotting? And bedding doesn't need ironing, pure cotton or not. Yes, it looks nicer if it's ironed but it's not a necessary household task. If someone whinged at me for not ironing the bedsheets I would be pointing them in the direction of the iron and telling them to knock themselves out.

Surely the rest can be easily organised? Online shopping, and split the others between you a bit more fairly. I have to admit I don't mow the lawn - DP does that as he's around at weekends and finishes work before me. He also does the bins as he has to go past them to get to where he parks.

It sounds like he just doesn't do stuff unless it's split between you, so split it? Lots of couples organise chores that way.

Do you have DC? If just 2 adults, then the general cleaning type tasks shouldn't really take that long - allocate an hour one evening/Saturday morning and both blitz through them.

• I am happy to iron cotton sheets and duvet covers as I like the smoothness of them
• Food does go off because we cook most evening meals from scratch and save leftovers in case they will form the basis of lunches the following days. Fresh ingredients eg. fruit/veg/cheese will sometimes 'go off. We have nearby supermarkets and eat well on a budget because by visiting them we get special offers/marked down food etc. Online shopping is obviously useful when both people work full-time and/or have small children - but this is not our situation.

Obviously different people will organise their households differently. Some people launder very regularly, but don't do a lot of cooking from scratch for example.

I think it's not really about doing less, but about a fairer division of labour. I'll continue to think about what might work for us.

Put together a list of all of the household chores and ask him what he is going to do on the list. It should be more than 50% as he has more free time than you.

RedSky I do quite like the idea of cleaning hour. (Children grown up. Youngest one at university still.)

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

According to that, he sees you as his manager.

However, do make it work the best way you can. If he's compliant to do a whole list full of chores, great. The next stage is him taking responsibility and writing the lists

Who is cleaning the loos in your house. That doesn't seem to feature in the lists you made

Bet it's you.

I think it can be hard when one partner works more hours than the other, especially when there are no DC in the home.

We live in a small two-bed and have no kids, but we do have cats that kick their litter about and shed, so things like vacuuming/mopping need to be done fairly regularly for hygiene reasons. We manage it as follows:

DP leaves earlier than me and returns earlier, so I do most of the morning chores, and he does the evening ones. So, each morning I do the following:

• wash up the breakfast things/cat bowls
• feed the cats and sort their litter trays
• put on any load of laundry that needs doing

When DP gets home, he'll unload the machine and hang the washing to dry, run the vacuum round and sort out dinner. I often eat later than him but he'll cook for himself and put anything in the oven if I ask him to.

I have my days off in the week, so on one of those days I'll wash all the towels and give the bathroom a clean, every Saturday he'll strip the bed and wash/change the sheets, and give the kitchen floors a mop, and mow the lawn if necessary.

Food shopping we do together, and the toilets etc. get a quick clean every other evening or so before bed. Some weeks I'll do more, other weeks he will, but we both do our share without being nagged so that probably makes it easier!

I hope you guys can sort something out, I can imagine it's a bit frustrating to feel like you're nagging all the time.

You are wanting the house the way you want it. He obviously doesn't see or doesn't care that floor needs hoovered.
I would try to find him weekly jobs so there is no 'do it if it's dirty'.
The garden - again you want him to see what needs done, and decide to do it.
I would get a gardener and/or a cleaner. But make sure he contributes to cost. Then share out what is left. I know he is being a lazy sod but you are getting annoyed and stressed. Your good health is more important than persuading him to help fairly.
Oh, and get a life which is not just around him or the house.

why did you have to show him the basic controls of a vacuum cleaner, and leave out a manual? Can he not work that out for himself, or am I missing something?
He sounds like a lazy waste of space to be honest. I wouldn't put up with this.

Give him the ironing.

Dh is likewise seemingly oblivious to the existence of a hoover. So he gets the ironing instead.

Ime men don't see things unless they are pointed out. Not just cleaning, in life in general. - and that's ok because ....?

You are wanting the house the way you want it. - OP is wanting the house relatively clean and tidy, not exactly rocket science.

He sounds like a lazy waste of space to be honest. Now we're getting somewhere.

The general consensus is that although they are quite capable, some men refuse to carry any mental load whatsoever and there has been so much written about it, I am surprised when other people are surprised - but every so often, once in a while, these threads come on where the husband is clearly having the rest of his life off, and usually on AIBU, where you got the old "aw poor sod let him have some nice time at home don't be mean" trotted out.

As for getting a fucking cleaner, the man is retired and at home most of the time!! If that was a woman sat at home every day - duh - you'd be expecting her to clean shit, right?

I find most people of either gender have things they don't notice around the house with tidying up. My husband never notices the tub is dirty, while I usually don't notice the towels need to be washed.

We both ignore the baseboards but they'll be the first thing my Mom notices when she comes to visit.

Your husband sounds like he is helping around the house regularly but it's probably best to give up on expecting him to vacuum.

If that was a woman sat at home every day - duh - you'd be expecting her to clean shit, right?

No way, why spend time hoovering when you can be doing something you enjoy?
Get a cleaner every time imv.

So the answer to one partner refusing to do their share is to get a cleaner?! - erm, at the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, what if you can't afford that?

You seem hard work, OP. I don't understand couples who actually row over a rigid division of house chores.

So mimi - do you think she should just to do everything and let her DH have a nice rest?

It's certainly worth getting DH to change and do his bit but it would probably also require the OP to keep an eye on his behaviour and remind/ prompt if he slips in his duties.
Perhaps people have a life changing reformation at the instruction of another but ime telling people to do something often ends with the opposite behaviour. It's easy to say his behaviour is selfish and lazy and unacceptable but it's not easy to get someone to change.
10 pound an hour for a cleaner. They can cover a lot in an hour.