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Was this unfair of us?

34 replies

DSMEZ · 13/05/2007 10:43

My SIL recently decided she and her partner were getting married. They told us about it 2 weeks ahead of timeit was a sudden decision. The problem is that the date clashed with my mother's visit. My mother, who does not live in the UK, and is from abroad was visiting. It is her annual 3 week visitwhich is the only time she comes to see us as it is expensive and a major hassle (as she is older and does not speak Englishso she is always in a state of panic when she is travelling). My SIL knows my mother does this, and knows what a momentous thing it is for my mother to visit. She knew my mother was visiting when she planned her wedding date. To compound things, SIL decided she would have wedding in France. SIL told us my mother was NOT invitedeven though it was a casual wedding and a low key reception. I offered to pay my mother;s way as I felt it was unfair to my mother on what she felt was her time with her graandchildren. In the end, DH had a "talk" to her, and my mother came along. But SIL is still angry with me. Was I being unfair to bring my mother along? She is a elderly woman and to leave her behind in hotel is just not done in her/my culture. She sat quietly in a corner, and tried to be as positive and chirpy to SIL as possible--who made it clear to her she did not want her to be there.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 13/05/2007 10:46

SIL sounds like a princess.


harman · 13/05/2007 10:47

Message withdrawn


morningpaper · 13/05/2007 10:47

agree, SIl sounds awful with no manners or understanding of what FAMILY actually means



edam · 13/05/2007 10:48

SIL was being downright nasty IMO, hopefully once she's recovered from mad bride syndrome she'll be bloody embarrassed.


greenday · 13/05/2007 10:49

Awful! What an unreasonable SIL! Grrrrr ...


DimpledThighs · 13/05/2007 10:49

sounds like she is being a primadonna.

your poor M - bet afterwards staying on her own in a hotel was a better option.


DSMEZ · 13/05/2007 10:50

Problem now is she mentions it ALL THE TIME. What to say???

OP posts:

WanderingTrolley · 13/05/2007 10:51


I love that she decided they were getting married! Oh, they say romance is dead.....



WanderingTrolley · 13/05/2007 10:52

In what way does she mention it?


DSMEZ · 13/05/2007 10:53

Passive aggressive remarks like--"Some of us don't even get a choice over are wedding guests..."

OP posts:

tigermoth · 13/05/2007 10:54

Sounds like your SIL was being very mean. Did she seriously expect all her guests to drop any commitments at two weeks notice?


SNOWBall4girlz · 13/05/2007 10:55

feel for you SIL can be so unreasonable

hope your mum enjoyed the rst of her stay with her lovely family
you are not beoung unreasonable think she sil was horrible to your mum x


suzycreamcheese · 13/05/2007 10:56

no i dont think so..

hey, its a marriage, of families.... isnt it?
I think she was very mean to be unwelcoming to your mum...

weddings dontcha just love em...this is part of why i really have never enjoyed weddings and all the related stress they bring..

we didnt go to BIL & SIL short notice winter wedding in US due to these reasons, short notice, time off work problems etc and they didnt speak to me (only!) for long that was a big plus point...


WanderingTrolley · 13/05/2007 11:01

"Some of us put family first."

"Who paid for your wedding?"

"I know, I feel terrible, it must have ruined your day and made you question the marriage itself, I was utterly unreasonable and flagellate myself nightly. I've had my mother deported and am considering tattooing 'bitch' all over my forehead. When do you think you might feel able to move on from this life-shattering trauma - will it take counselling?"

Hm, ok, maybe not the last one...

Daft moo. Try to change the subject immediately, or pretend you didn't hear. She's doing it to wind you up. Perhaps she's jealous of you or just so self-centred she needed the day to be all about her and not a family celebration.


DSMEZ · 13/05/2007 11:04

Thanks all--I thought she was being ridiculous, but dh kept saying it was "her special day" (wretch!) and implying the presence of my mother had been a pain (of course, he was the one who had to talk to SIL, so I can see why he did see it as a pain).

OP posts:

sunnysideup · 13/05/2007 11:05

This was totally weird of your SIL but I do think that invitations are in the power of the giver; I don't think there are any circumstances under which you can ask for an invitation.....however it is in your power to refuse an invitation; obviously you couldn't have gone if the wedding clashed with your mum's visit and she wasn't invited. I think I'd have left it at that. If she wanted you and your kids there, then it was up to her to make that possible.

She does sound utterly awful.


DSMEZ · 13/05/2007 11:14

Well, I did refuse the invitation initially, but then that caused a whole row as my dh didn't want to go with our dcs by himself. We thought this was a way to compromise--offer to pay her way.

OP posts:

astarisborn · 13/05/2007 11:15

SIL sounds like a right spoilt bitch


greenday · 13/05/2007 11:17

Could you rebut in casualness .. like

'It is circumstancial. Don't take it so personally.' OR

'You would be remembered more for your graciousness than your wedding dress in years to come.' OR

'Get over yourself. You selfish bitch.' Oh, if only ...


scatterbrain · 13/05/2007 11:18

Well I think you were entirely reasonable - when we got married many years ago we had several friends asking if they could bring their partners - who we had never met, and who they split up with pretty soon after our wedding. However, we let them bring them and treated them as "proper guests" !

your SIL sound slike a vindictive and rude cow !

I think I'd start avoiding her and making a few remarks of my own to be honest !


astarisborn · 13/05/2007 11:19

I mean I could maybe understand if your mum was a raving alcoholic
and was well known for spoiling family get togethers by dancing topless on top of tables
But fgs she sat in the corner all night. I feel sorry for your poor wee mum, I mean does your sil have no fecking manners at all!


edam · 13/05/2007 11:22

My desired answer to sniping would be 'You know perfectly well that my mother visits once a year, she is an elderly lady and there is no way we could leave her alone to travel abroad. We offered to stay home. You objected to that and then you objected to my mother coming and were downright rude to her into the bargain. One day you will be old and you'd better hope that your family treat you with respect. I am not going to listen to any more complaints on the subject.'

That's what I would say in my head, anyway...


scatterbrain · 13/05/2007 11:23

Good reply edam - I'd probably explode and say that one day !


edam · 13/05/2007 11:26

The shorter version might be: 'You were extremely rude to my mother and you owe her an apology for your behaviour. I am not going to listen to any more complaints on this subject.' And if she carries on, throw her out/leave yourself depending on where you are.


Chandra · 13/05/2007 11:29

DSMEZ, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Let your SIL continue sulking, she is the one ruining her own wedding and memories of it, not you.

My SIL got married a few weeks ago, she (and MIL) started with their characeristic rudeness and unreasonable demands as soon as she decided to get married. Two weeks before the wedding I announced I couldn't cope with it anymore and decided not to go. Obviously, hell has broken loose but I don't care anymore... She was the one ruining her own wedding with her excessive perfectionism, egoism and plain inconsiderate attitude towards her family. Her choice, her problem, I'm at peace with myself. (Having said that it has taken me 9 years to get to this point!)

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