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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt by DH comment

48 replies

Motherofpooch · 17/04/2018 22:02

A little background. I've had an eating disorder for 15 years. Bad times, better tines but never fully "recovered"
I was also told I couldn't have kids because of it. So when I got pregnant termination didn't even enter my mind, and I love my baby more than life. I was terrifed being pregnant abot weight gain but i wanted a baby so so much. Pregnancy was tough as I was very sick but DP was so helpful and caring. But now the baby is here and things have settled I can really see all the changes in my body and the horrible amount of weight I've gained. So one evening I was a little upset about the whole thing after a tough day with the baby and had a little rant /cry to my husband.

He knows about my disorder but I try not to talk about it too much as 1. I'm not comfortable talking about it and 2. I feel like I'd be a nucence if I did... Anyway! I was upset and my husband gets a lite huffy and goes "well you decided to have a baby so juse shut up and go to tbe gym" he knows I can't go to the gym because of the baby dependancy (doesn't take bottle ) and the fact I overcame the exceeds addiction side of my disorder (I'm very much obsessive or don't do it at all... so not "fixed").
Yes I know my body would change but AIBU to think he's being out of line and harsh considering he knows my background ? Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherofpooch · 17/04/2018 22:03

Add: I got more upset after he said that and he hasnt spoken to me all evening

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 17/04/2018 22:09

He is out of line but possibly through lack of understanding and stress of newborn. Can you go back to your counsellor.

oohyoudevilyou · 17/04/2018 22:11

It's just a communication problem: You wanted him to listen while you vented - he thought you wanted him to offer a solution.

Someone has to be the first to apologise. Who's it gonna be?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 17/04/2018 22:17

Everyone gets tired and stressed with a newborn. Perhaps you talking about your body was just the wrong time for him. If he is usually supportive then forgive and move on.

TroubledLichen · 17/04/2018 22:21

I think sometimes men do this, when we vent and just want to know someone is listening, they feel like they have to offer a solution. If it was a one-off comment, especially if you’re both tired looking after a new baby, then I’d put this down to a communication problem and would give him the benefit of the doubt in assuming he misspoke. Please go and see a counsellor though, you need to look after yourself.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 17/04/2018 22:22

sent you a PM, OP.

Dozer · 17/04/2018 22:25

Congratulations on becoming a mother!

Postnatal body issues can be hard, even without an ED to contend with, which must be difficult.

It was an unkind comment he made for sure. It sounds like you don’t, in general, seek his support for help with your ED: do you have others to turn to about it?

windchimesabotage · 17/04/2018 22:27

I think you are being a tiny bit oversensitive... which is understandable given your history and with the stress of caring for a newborn. But id look at the bigger picture.. is he generally kind? Does he love you? Hes probably quite stressed himself and made a silly comment that he did not think through. It can be hard to deal with the emotions of other people sometimes. He very probably does care about you but doesnt really understand what to say or how to calm you down. You were obviously upset when the conversation first started and it has escalated and escalated... to be honest I think you are just very stressed and upset in general and theres probably not much he could have said to change that right now.

Maybe just calmly go to him and say you are sorry for getting so worked up about it all but its just a sensitive issue for you. Hopefully he will also apologise and you can then move on.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 17/04/2018 22:31

That’s harsh, I’m sorry you’re feeling down about the changes your body has gone through. Be kind to yourself, it takes time for your body to adjust, especially if you’re BFing.

His comment was insensitive - does he make time for you, pull his weight with the baby/house etc? If not then tell him he needs to step up to give you time to take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to be gym, but maybe something relaxing and uplifting like yoga, which will give you some gentle exercise but more importantly some time to focus on you. He can take care of the baby for an hour while you go to a class. You can feed before you go and he will have to deal with any tears while you’re away. Being tied to a BFing baby is exhausting, physically and mentally. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off yourself re weight or fitness and concentrate on relaxing and self-care Flowers

theeyeofthestormchaser · 17/04/2018 22:31

If you have had a ED for 15 years, maybe he is tired of having to deal with it?

You have to be honest about the level of your problem and how much you have done to handle it.

You’re probably both tired too, with a newborn!

Congrats on your baby. Maybe have a chat with dh about your ED and see how he feels?

Viviennemary · 17/04/2018 22:36

I think he's been remarkably patient so far and is probably just at the end of his tether coping with you and a new born. You sound very needy and touchy. Maybe some counselling would be in order. I don't think the problem lies with your partner.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 17/04/2018 22:39

Oh
So just me who thinks he was being an utter wanker....
Sorry you're feeling this way op Flowers

bippityboppityboop · 17/04/2018 22:43

Men are problem fixers, so I think he was trying to suggest a solution, a lot of men don't get venting. BUT he should not have told you to shut up and disregard your feelings. He's supposed to be your confidant not a

Not sure what the PP is on about, or why they have to be so rude, but you don't sound very needy or touchy, you sound like a woman who has just had a baby and is coping with her body changes whilst also having an unresolved eating disorder...!

I would just let it go this time but next time if he says something like that say something back straight away, don't let it linger and get moody with him and simmer on it, it does no good.

CollyWombles · 17/04/2018 22:47

It's a shit comment to say OP, not surprised you are upset. And No you don't sound needy or touchy to me. Just a normal new mum that is trying to come to terms with a different body shape. Let's take the eating disorder out of the equation for a second. Any DH that thinks its okay to say 'shut up and go to the gyn' after his DW has just carried and birthed his baby, is a knob.

Add in the eating disorder and that is even worse. It can be hard supporting someone with any sort of Mental or physical health problem, however there is no need for unkindness.

MagneticMan · 17/04/2018 22:48

If you have had a ED for 15 years, maybe he is tired of having to deal with it?

Whilst that might sound harsh, it's probably true and he just cracked on this particular occasion. When I was at the height of my ED I would have tried the patience of a saint.

I can see why you were upset and hurt but if he's been really supportive in the past then give him a break on this occasion.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/04/2018 22:51

To the people who are saying he just wants to offer a solution, his solution is stupid because the OP can't leave her baby and go to the gym. So he is offering a useless solution.

I personally think he was insensitive. I have no ED but have got issues with my weight and appearance postnatally and if my DH said this to me I would be annoyed. With the ED this was an unkind comment. I would expect an apology.

I do think you should be able to be more open about your condition with him though. Why have you not spoken to him more about It? If its because he makes nasty comments like this then that's clearly an issue.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/04/2018 22:59

2. I feel like I'd be a nucence if I did... Anyway! I was upset and my husband gets a lite huffy and goes "well you decided to have a baby so juse shut up and go to tbe gym

Why do you feel as though you'd be a nuisance, OP? Is that how he makes feel generally about your ED?

You sound very needy and touchy

I disagree, I don't see this.

Someone has to be the first to apologise. Who's it gonna be

Not the OP I hope.

So just me who thinks he was being an utter wanker....

Nope. I'll join you on the He Was Being a Wanker fence.

GabsAlot · 17/04/2018 22:59

eh shtup and go to the gym is him just offering a solution?

what am i missing

you dont tell someone to shup for whatever reason

GabsAlot · 17/04/2018 23:01

*shutup

Plantlover · 17/04/2018 23:06

He told you to shut up?! Nice.

SevenStones · 17/04/2018 23:09

It was a dickish thing for him to say, and totally dismissive of someone who has just had a baby, had a bad day and was feeling crap.

RidingWindhorses · 17/04/2018 23:11

Tbh I don't think blokes really understand EDs unless they're actually a MHP.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 17/04/2018 23:12

He was unsympathetic and nasty. But with a new baby and I presume job stresses, people do snap like this.

However, it doesn't sound good that you've never spoken to him openly about your eating disorder. You should be comfortable with him. And maybe he snapped because he doesn't understand it properly.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2018 23:14

You have a serious communication problem. You can't expect him to understand something you won't share with him. Keeping your struggles a secret isn't fair to you, and it's not fair to him. He's not a mind reader.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/04/2018 23:44

Well firstly, huge congratulations on your baby. That's really wonderful Flowers.

Yes, his comment was shitty. It sounds like exasperation - inability to offer a useful solution because there isn't a quick fix. Perhaps combined with mutual tiredness. Perhaps also demonstrating a lack of understanding of your ED (because you haven't allowed him to understand fully, by your own account). So, perhaps expressing frustration that it is still there and still demanding your attention, at a time when all of both your attention, patience and energy is taken up with the baby.

More generally, I do agree with Aquamarine and think that, in time, some counselling together might help. This is your husband, not a housemate. Yet you don't want to let him get to know you properly, or help or support you when you need it? That sounds like part of your need for control speaking - you don't want to cede control of your ED to him by allowing him to understand you properly.