Hurt by DH comment

[Motherofpooch]

A little background. I've had an eating disorder for 15 years. Bad times, better tines but never fully "recovered"
I was also told I couldn't have kids because of it. So when I got pregnant termination didn't even enter my mind, and I love my baby more than life. I was terrifed being pregnant abot weight gain but i wanted a baby so so much. Pregnancy was tough as I was very sick but DP was so helpful and caring. But now the baby is here and things have settled I can really see all the changes in my body and the horrible amount of weight I've gained. So one evening I was a little upset about the whole thing after a tough day with the baby and had a little rant /cry to my husband.

He knows about my disorder but I try not to talk about it too much as 1. I'm not comfortable talking about it and 2. I feel like I'd be a nucence if I did... Anyway! I was upset and my husband gets a lite huffy and goes "well you decided to have a baby so juse shut up and go to tbe gym" he knows I can't go to the gym because of the baby dependancy (doesn't take bottle ) and the fact I overcame the exceeds addiction side of my disorder (I'm very much obsessive or don't do it at all... so not "fixed").
Yes I know my body would change but AIBU to think he's being out of line and harsh considering he knows my background ? Xx

Living with someone with a mental illness can be emotionally and physically destroying. I know you say you don't go on about it but have you thought of what the effects have been on him?

Has anyone ever supported him in having to support you?

Sometimes when people are worried they also get snappy. Perhaps he felt you were looking for validation or permission to go back to your disordered eating to solve this problem so gave a bit of a “fuck it do what you want response” as he was afraid you were going to do it anyway.

but have you thought of what the effects have been on him? Has anyone ever supported him in having to support you?

I don't disagree that living with someone with a mental illness comes with it's own burdens. However, does the OP's DH needs leapfrog the OP's, on her own thread about having a new baby, a mental illness and a DH who was bloody rude and unpleasant to her? He can start his own thread if he needs to.

Sometimes when people are worried they also get snappy
If you have had a ED for 15 years, maybe he is tired of having to deal with it?
Someone has to be the first to apologise. Who's it gonna be?
say you are sorry for getting so worked up about it all

Why on earth is the OP's DH getting a more sympathetic hearing than the OP?

OP, I have no idea why the thread is going the way it is. I'm aghast at some of the comments.

You deserve and have my support. I do think communication is vital to move forward, but I also think your DH was incredibly rude and a little cruel and insensitive.

Totally agree with Aquamarine
How on earth can you expect him to know what to say to you when, by your own admission, you don’t discuss your eating disorder with him? You can’t expect him to know what is right and wrong when he doesn’t understand your problem.

Even taking your eating disorder aside, you have to take into account how men can be affected by the birth of a child.
A lot of men have difficulty with the birth of their first child. If they attended they may have found the birth way out of their comfort zone and highly traumatic. They may be having great difficulty coming to terms with the fact that they are not number one on your list anymore and they probably never will be again. They are probably very tired too and might be worried about how tired you are. They could be worried about you and looking for signs of PND.

Personally, short term I would just put this down to a lack of sleep and understanding, it’s certainly not worth getting upset over.
You are upset because you are 5ired, emotional and worried about your eating disorder returning.
Long term......I think you need to be MUCH more open and honest with your husband. He will be able to support you through difficult times if he understands what’s going on. And, I think you know that you need some therapy and counselling. Get the help you need so you can be a healthy mummy and show your daughter a healthy attitude towards food and eating.
Good luck.

That's a heck of a lot of assumption and projection Yorkshireyummymummy.

Between this and two other threads I've frequented in the last day or so, I'm starting to feel as though someone's announced 'Aw, It's Can't Be A Man's Fault' week or something without me noticing...

I don't think that his response can be attributed to the OP's preference for not talking about her ED with him - I know fuck all about EDs but I'm pretty sure I could come up with something more constructive to say than shut up and go to the gym!

Perhaps he thought your ED was at last on the wane and is actually gutted to realise it's still alive and kicking.

Yes he was a dick. But I have to agree that living with someone with a mental illness can be extremely tough.

Congratulations on your lovely baby

Don't forget you'll both be at the very end of your endurance in the first weeks/months/years of a new baby xx

Ha Ha to "It can't be a man's fault" week
I particularly hate the "Go to the gym" comment, when she's struggling with a newborn, as if that will solve everything overnight. It's a guilt inducing comment that really says the solution is entirely in your lazy hands. What an unhelpful and undermining response.

OP, you need to find some more useful support asap. Someone to talk to about your eating disorder and how its been affected by pregnancy. Trust that your body will recover from pregnancy.
and find some local mum's group to help you share some of the challenges of dealing with a newborn, and yes, let you have a little moan occasionally which we all need to do.

Try to plan some things that you can do with your lovely baby to get you both out of the house, it will probably seem like a huge performance, so don't be too ambitious at first, but it gets easier, anything to help raise your spirits. Fretting babies are always easier in the great outdoors I found.

Then when you've got that underway, perhaps think about talking to someone who can help you with your issues wth DH as he's NOT being supportive atm. Best of luck

Well seen I’ve been off MN for a while and just come back.

Tiredness, being fed up of your ED, the stress of having a newborn are not excuses to tell you to “shut up”.

He was out of order.

Yes it’s tiring having a newborn, yes it’s hard living with someone with MH problems (I have MH problems), yes it’s stressful having no sleep and being knackered.

But to tell someone with a history of ED to “shut up and go to the gym” is akin to telling someone who has a history of self harm to go and fucking cut themselves. It’s nasty, it’s spiteful and it’s using the thing that will hurt you most against you. None of which is supportive or pleasant.

You’ve said what he said to you OP but not what you said to him which prompted his reply. So difficult to say whether yabu

He wasn’t kind though, that’s for sure

That's a comment that would be expected to come out of someone who is tired and frustrated. He should apologise but don't take it at heart. He might feel that your gaining a bit of weight is of little consequences compared to how he feels at the moment.

You need to open up. Not being happy about your body makes you anxious. You can decide what makes you anxious and what doesn't. We all have our triggers and if you can't share these with our partners, then it's not great for our relationship. At the same time, he needs to feel he can talk to you about what makes him anxious.

Do you drive or do you walk? I put on a lot of weight when I was pregnant both times, and was left with a stone to lose. I found that walking everywhere with the pushchair, in a town that is all and down did the trick. It took 9 months, but I was right back to where I was before. Be patient though.

YOU decided to have a baby? Did he have no choice in the matter held a gun to his head did you ?

He is an insensitive arse

You need real help not him

The trouble is it’s really difficult to say whether he’s being an insensitive arse or is just at the end of his tether from just this one comment. If he’s nearly always supportive, has reassured the OP over the years and been patient with her eating disorder, then I’d go with the ‘just snapped and frustrated scenario’. If the ED rarely impacts on their everyday life and he’s regularly insensitive and impatient, then the OP has good reason to be upset and hurt.

I agree that she needs to explain to him how the remark makes her feel. However I also agree that an ED could be very difficult to live with. I wonder if it is much more part of their everyday life than the OP is aware of herself. Does she regularly comment on her appearance and look for reassurance? Will she not go out to eat, eat in front of others, refuse a large number of foods? If so, that could be very difficult for someone else to live with over many years without occasionally getting irritated when they’re under stress themselves. I know ideally your partner should be supportive at all times but maybe that is unrealistic and the OP should also look for outside support, such as ED fora, support groups and counsellling. A partner cannot be her counsellor.

He can't help you with your ED. He isn't qualified so doesn't have the understanding required.

He was rude, which may stem from exhaustion, and stress or just being an arse. We can't assess that on the internet.

I think you would benefit from professional counselling to help you with unresolved issues around food. Maybe speak to your HV or GP. Also fresh air and gentle exercise might help your mind and body recover post birth. The weather is improving so put dc in a pram or a sling and get out every day for a walk.

Could I just add that, if your ED prevents you from doing any exercise, that is a very real, physical as well as mental, problem.

Exercise, even very gentle, like walking, is essential to help you recover from birth, physically and mentally. It's not about how you look, it's about your health, your body's recovery and staying healthy for your baby.

Part of that is how you feel. A walk in the sunshine can make people feel inordinately better. A short, gentle swim, or yoga session can too.

If you really feel you cannot do any exercise, that needs to be addresses with medical professionals urgently. If you mean you can't go to the gym but could go for walks, do gentle yoga, pilates, or swim, then you're ok, in that way, for now.

If he is generally very supportive , which you say he is, then I wonder how long this conversation went on for, sometimes we all snap and say something we shouldn't, you say you were ranting and crying about your weight. You also say you don't really talk about your eating disorder to him, so there is also a potential he doesn't fully understand.

As it seems a one off. I would let it pass this time and not make it a big thing to be stretched out for days. It does neither of you any good.

Ok, your husband is really out of line here. BUT, in his defence, you haven't really spoken to him about your ED, and as a result of that he doesn't fully understand its impact. The thing that concerns me most is that you say that you will be a 'nuisance' if you discuss this with him. That's not how relationships should work - support, listening, care and concern are part of the deal. If you are being made to feel like any personal worry or wobble you have makes you a nuisance, that is very wrong.

It was really insensitive and I can understand you being upset. It’s also incredibly unhelpful both practically and in terms of your ED.
I don’t think the comments on here about how hard it is to live with someone with a mental health difficulty is fair as you can’t help that and it shouldn’t be put on you.
I’d consider going to your GP or health visitor though for early support though; did you have any extra support during your pregnancy around that? I’d consider taking your DP to an appointment.

Thank you for all your replies everyone though I feel like had to clarify some things.! !
I have explained my eating disorder in the past to him and we have talked about it previously but what I'm saying is I try not to mention it day-to-day because I think it would annoy him.
Yeah I guess you're right about the stress and tiredness. He sleeps in another room from me and a baby so he can sleep, but he must be tired from helping me after work!
I guess I don't like being told to shut up by anyone close to me but maybe that is me just being sensitive..
And before he made the comment I was saying how my thighs are covered in cellulite now and I look bigger than when I was pregnant weight wise
X

And I can't get counselling at the moment because it's not a postnatal problem. So if I want counselling I can't take my baby with me and I can't get anyone to look after the baby for the two hours it would take me to travel and have the appointment etc x

Yeah I guess you're right about the stress and tiredness. He sleeps in another room from me and a baby so he can sleep, but he must be tired from helping me after work!

He shouldn’t be helping, he should be parenting. And given that he sleeps all night in a different room tiredness and exhaustion isn’t a factor.
He’s a dick. You’ve had a really rough time on this thread OP, unfairly I think. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells about your ED in case it annoys him. He doesn’t sound overwhelmed, he sounds extremely selfish and is manipulating you to believe it’s your fault.

Well it’s not, you’re an exhausted new mum doing all night feeds by yourself, and most of the rest of it by yourself from the sounds of it! Add that to the understandably difficult times adjusting to the changes in your body and your ED and he sounds awful.

This is not your fault.

wonders if any posters telling OP she brought this on herself by making life hard for her poor hard done to man will apologise

I completely agree that being told to shut up is rude, unkind and unacceptable. That is not just you by any means.

Have you asked him to explain himself? Could you approach a conversation with an 'I felt x when you said this...' non-confrontational start, just to get him to talk and offer his explanation? Maybe end by saying that 'shut up' is never acceptable - but starting that way won't prompt the sort of exploratory, listening conversation that might help move things forward.

I've very little knowledge of pre and post-natal mental health services, except I'd hope there might be some support available and know that a specialist ante / post natal service exists. Not helpful I know. Is it too long after the birth to contact that specialist team?

My only other, much longer term, thought is, might it be useful for him to learn more about EDs from a neutral third party - go on a short course, read some books, or similar? It might give him an overview and useful insight. I appreciate you wouldn't want him to become or behave like 'an expert' but, if he's not a fool and understands he'd gain only a little knowledge, you're the expert on you, and he always needs to listen not tell, then it could be helpful for him.

he sleeps in another room-doubt hes that tired then

sory but hes out of order you do work aswell all bloody day