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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A stranger telling DP our baby can't be his?!

43 replies

teddybaer · 17/04/2018 20:35

That basically. We were at a shopping centre DS was in the pram two young boys around early 20's walked passed saw DS in pram, laughed and said "definitely not yours mate". I'm white, DP is black and DS is fairly pale in the face but the spit of DP. We have always had jokey comments from close family/friends and DP seems to think this is just the same and it's hilarious. AIBU to be a bit offended? And to wonder who the hell does that to a stranger in public?!

OP posts:
T2517 · 17/04/2018 20:45

It sounds like they’re two dickheads and you’re probably “lucky” it wasn’t worse. Arseholes.

TheBigFatMermaid · 17/04/2018 20:46

Rude! But I guess as long as he knows he's the Dad it doesn't matter too much!

I have a friend who is mixed race, her DP is white, one of their children is very light skinned and fair haired. She once had someone suggest she couldn't be her Mother! Grin

Loandbeholdagain · 17/04/2018 20:47

That’s terrible and basically out and out racism. YANBU to be angry and probably a bit shaken. I’m sorry OP

Serena1985 · 17/04/2018 20:48

Urgh I get this. My daughter has random (gorgeous) red hair and we aren’t sure where it comes from. DH and I are both dark and can’t think of any instances of red hair in extended family on either side.

The number of people who think it’s ok to question her parentage 🙄 no, she is not the milkman’s...

BlondeB83 · 17/04/2018 20:49

If your DP’s not offended I would just let it go.

Urapprentice · 17/04/2018 20:54

I’ve heard young lads say that when they think the mum is good looking so perhaps a compliment to you? It’s appears to be a way of the guys telling the man that they think he’s punching above his weight, I’ve heard it used in this way a few times by cheeky guys.

Hermie12 · 17/04/2018 20:54

Some people can be very inconsiderate and think its acceptable to come out with these comments to random strangers. Someone asked me if my daughter was adopted, as I am white and her dads black ( he wasnt with us at the time so she jumped to conclusions)
So YANBU but just forget it, they arent worth your concern

Notevilstepmother · 17/04/2018 20:54

Without seeing the body language it’s hard to tell if it was rude or a joke or both. Your DP obviously thought it was just “banter” and men do seem to have a very peculiar sense of humour when it comes to banter and male bonding.

It would have been extremely rude of them to say it to you, but if your DP wasn’t offended, I don’t think you should be offended on his behalf.

However I do understand why you found it rude, I’ve had similar when shopping with DSD, she is a different ethnicity to me, and random people such as checkout staff think it’s appropriate to ask her about this in a really inappropriate way. Hmm

HopScotchy · 17/04/2018 21:00

Yes, I agree. Just bog standard racism. A comment intended to make you feel judged as a couple.

MsJaneAusten · 17/04/2018 21:01

Our youngest has wild curly hair and we get “is he yours?” a lot! It’s so rude. What if he wasn’t? Mostly we laugh it off, but DH once turned a little shyly and asked, “he is mine isnt he?”

If they looked further than the hair, strangers wound realise DS2 is the spitting image of DS1 and DH but they just don’t think.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 17/04/2018 21:04

I get this all the time but for a different reason. I'm 5ft 9in - my son is 6ft 5in.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 17/04/2018 21:11

For context what ethnicity were the guys making the comment?

ToadOfSadness · 17/04/2018 21:13

I was born with black hair and yellow skin. My parents both blonde and fair. There were comments about the milkman.

Until the reply was that the milk was delivered by a woman.

ohh · 17/04/2018 21:14

I got this a lot too when young or rather my mum did as my sister has a condition that kept her smaller than me her younger sister by nearly a foot. I was blonde she was dark haired. Idiots, be affronted but brush the comment off. Don't let it get to you.

Fireinthegrate · 17/04/2018 21:16

Very rude.
I used to know a family where mum was white and very pale, dad was mixed race. Elder daughter was dark skinned, brown eyes, brown hair, as you would expect. Next two children were white, with blonde hair. But facially they all looked just like their dad!
Genetics are very strange

Fruitcorner123 · 17/04/2018 21:18

It is really rude but i would take this to mean they think your baby is beautiful and are insulting your DPs looks. Perhaps they see it as banter, perhaps it's racism. Not on either way but think your DPs attitude is the best way to deal with it.

lattewith3shotsplease · 17/04/2018 21:19

Cheeky fuckers but it maybe a Man thing Hmm

Serena1985 · 17/04/2018 21:20

I don’t really understand the posters who are saying that only the husband should be offended by this and if he isn’t, then it’s fine.

I don’t agree. I don’t want some stranger implying my morals are loose enough to be shagging around behind my husbands back. I don’t want a random stranger speculating on my sex life.

Original poster
teddybaer · 17/04/2018 21:22

Not sure if I'm shocked to hear that this is so common, the cheek of some people! I constantly get comments like "but where is he from originally" and "are you sad he'll never look like you" so this one was just the one that happened to finally get under my skin. They were white @bubbinsmakesthree x

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 17/04/2018 21:22

What’s possibly happened here is that you are new to racism and your dp isn’t. I’m white and my dh is black and fifteen years ago when we got together and then had dc I honestly couldn’t believe the day to day racism that you encounter.

I couldn’t deal with it at all and was astonished at the way my dh could until he explained that he’d had been experiencing it the whole of his life whereas I’d been walking around being white.

kaytee87 · 17/04/2018 21:22

They sound like arseholes.
Of course op can be annoyed about this, they were implying she's a cheat.

Wdigin2this · 17/04/2018 21:26

A pair of uneducated, dumbass eejits.....don't dignify their stupidity with another thought about it!

Original poster
teddybaer · 17/04/2018 21:28

@savoycabbage Oh my gosh you have no idea how good it is to hear I'm not the only one! This is exactly my situation, DS is 6 months and I'm only just adjusting. Every time I experience blatant racism I get al worked up and absolutely shocked and tell DP only for him to ask what I'm so shocked about and be told to get used to it. I hate that I have to just accept that my child will face racism for the rest of his life. Also hate that a lot of people (and a lot of mumsnetters) seem to think that racism no longer exists and we're all just causing a ruckus over nothing. Sorry that turned into a major rant! x

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 17/04/2018 21:32

When DS2 was born, he was quite jaundiced and one of the midwives asked me, “is your husband Caucasian?”. I enjoyed replying, “yes, but his father isn’t.”

Joanna57 · 17/04/2018 21:33

Racism? Seriously?

That word is so OVER used nowadays, that it means diddly squat.

Stop it.

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