My daughter is alone at playtime

[Midge1978]

I'm in tears writing this and would appreciate any advice. My daughter (6) is shy and unconfident and is struggling with playtime, she has no-one to play with and just wanders around on her own. I work at the nursery in the school grounds and can see it happening and it breaks my heart. I do play dates but it doesn't seem to help and I'm at a loss for how to help her change things. Am meeting with her teacher this week, should I mention it to her and what can I expect her to do to help things?

Our school has a bus stop and buddy bench you can hover around if you are seeking a playmate. Maybe suggest something similar for your school.

Aw :( definitely mention it to her teacher, she could maybe try to encourage more group play

Of course mention it to to the teacher! It must be heartbreaking to watch that.

We have a buddy bench too.

My DD was like this at school, they tried multiple things and attempted to encourage friendships for her but it just didn’t happen. In the end We changed schools, I talked to her about how she might still have no one to play with etc but she wanted to take the chance.

She’s been so happy and made a lovely group of friends, goes to parties etc and her teacher states she’s a popular and confident pupil - which id never thought we’d hear!

Hope she’s okay

Speak to her teacher, they should be able to help, instigating games etc! I wish playgrounds were more user friendly, can't think of anything less inspiring than a square of grey tarmac!

Wee soul, that would upset me too.
The buddy bench sounds like a good idea. Could you try something outside of school to boost her confidence? A sport or activity?

Def mention it to the teacher. Can you get any ideas from your dd as to why it's happening? Does she not have the confidence to ask to play, does she not want to (or know how to) play the games the others are playing, is she asking to play and being rebuffed.

It is horrible. Ds2 (Y5) is having similar probs at the moment - but in his case its because his friends want to play football and he doesn't, so not sure what to do about that.

Are you sure it bothers her if she’s not mentioning it? Maybe she likes her own company if she doesn’t want to join in? Is she a daydreamer? She might be perfectly happy. Have you encouraged her to approach other children and ask to join in? Are they actually rejecting playing with her or is she not asking?

I want to give her a hug! I wonder if she were to bring in something like a ball or a beanbag or a (long?) skipping rope, or chalk for hopscotch if that's allowed, or whatever kids swap these days, whether it would help? Or teach her some clapping or other games?

All my children's Schools have had buddy benches or other systems in place to deal with friendship or loneliness issues. And my children have always been aware of this, in terms of either having used it themselves, or helping other children who have used it. At my daughter’s current school, they have a playground buddy rota, and wear a badge when it’s their week. The children are generally made aware of these buddy systems and why they are important, so yes I would definitely speak to the teacher. Either they do have a system, and it’s not being used, or they don’t have one yet, in which case it would be a good thing to start. Hope it gets better for your daughter

Have you tried afterschool activities, like dance classes, acting classes which I heard was really good in building confidence.

I really do hope you manage to find something to help her, nothing more heartbreaking.

But you are not alone, my DD is the same but she is also an only child, she does have friends but tends to enjoy her own company too.

Basically what MightyMucks said. I was that "lonely" child. Except I wasn't. Once in a while I might enjoy group play, but I much preferred my own company, even then.

Is she bothered by this? If not try not to worry. My DS was the same in P1 and is now vice captain as voted by his peers in P6. He made a good group of friends from P2 upwards. He was just slower to get comfortable with all the melee. I also volunteered at the school and saw him wandering about lost at playtime it’s really hard not to find it upsetting but he’s so confident now and has more pals in fact than his big bro who had a bestie from the start.

It drives me MAD that schools allow this to happen. What do they think? That the learning STOPS in the playground?

That ALL the children are as capable socially as one another?

They need support and more help...I always feel the lunchtime supervisors should be trained in play...helping children to play games together and teaching them new games.

OP....all I can advise is that you make an appointment with her teacher and see what they suggest.

And ask DD to talk to you about what's happening at playtime.

I don't think the supervisors really notice. Things seem different to when I was at school. We used to have large group games like Rally 123 and British Bulldog and everyone just joined in. Now it's all about "BFFs" and children are either given the title of best friend or completely excluded!

Why does she have no-one to play with? Is it shyness or are the other kids actively ostracising her? It needs nipping in the bud now because once the other kids label her as a "loner" or "weirdo" she'll end up being bullied and continually excluded, potentially for the rest of her school years, not just by those who don't want to play with her but also by those who might have played with her but don't want to be picked on for being friends with the weird kid.

Aww no, that really upset me reading your post, it must be so sad. I’d suggest a buddy bench like other people have said, does your daughter want to play and engage or is she happy in her own company?

I have to say my eyes are teary reading this on your behalf. I cannot stand the thought of a little one wandering the playground by themselves.
My DD is 6 and she can be shy so I know how it feels. I make sure I do things to help her with her self confidence, play dates, out of school activities that help boost her confidence have helped as well. She does Ballet and its really helped her come out of her shell.
Speak to the teacher and maybe suggest the buddy bench thing. Hope you get a solution

Yes tell the teacher. She'll probably ask who your DD would like to play with, and then try to encourage that. So, get a couple of names before you go.

Then, if nothing improves, become a broken record.

IME buddy benches are only as good as the playground supervisor's awareness of them

Definitely speak to the teacher about this. Friendship issues are really common at this age so the teacher will have heard this kind of problem before and may have some good ideas for helping your daughter to integrate.

The Buddy Bench thing didn't work in my school. The children laughed and said it was for losers. I think it 'outs' children as not having friends/ being desperate - not my words.
I think there have to be better ways. I just don't know what.
However, I wish you and your dd all the best. I am sure the teacher has some ideas up her sleeve.

I agree with mmzz, there is a Buddy Bench at my DC's school but I don't think it's used much. Better if the teacher can take more proactive steps.

Speak to the teacher , no child should be left to walk around the playground on their own .

Buddy bench is a great idea.

I heard of one school that did organised games in the playground- a bit like the fun parts if PE.

Lots of kids joined in and it meant no one was alone.