My daughter is alone at playtime

[Midge1978]

I'm in tears writing this and would appreciate any advice. My daughter (6) is shy and unconfident and is struggling with playtime, she has no-one to play with and just wanders around on her own. I work at the nursery in the school grounds and can see it happening and it breaks my heart. I do play dates but it doesn't seem to help and I'm at a loss for how to help her change things. Am meeting with her teacher this week, should I mention it to her and what can I expect her to do to help things?

Oh OP I feel for you. I completely agree with Ajas about the attitude to playtime. I know teachers already have too much to do, it's not a criticism of teachers at all - but more the way everything seems to be about the bloody curriculum now at the expense of other more organic/"the whole child" type stuff. My DS doesn't find it easy at playtime (and his main friend is leaving the school soon - so I'm also worried that he's going to find it worse after that).
Anyway. What has helped him with confidence (if that's an issue) is joining Beavers - so he has friends outside school as well. I hope things improve for her OP

Buddy system at my ds school too.

I think at 6 the buddies and other children need reminding. Sadly an empathy deficit exists and we need to teach it.

There is a new boy in ds (6) class and i am often asking, talking to him about making sure new boy is playing with Someone saying to ds to put yourself in their shoes.

So yes mention to teacher. Do you know any other parent well? I would always be happy to encourage my ds to play / include if asked by other mother. Obviously can’t force but could try. At 6 They are so self absorbed playing they might not voice.

Hope it gets better op.

Thanks Tinatop you've just upped my anxiety levels 100%!

Hi OP.

Does being alone at playtime actually bother your daughter? I would talk to her about it and make sure that she’s actually struggling or upset before you try to ‘fix’ it for her.

I say this because I was a shy, quiet, not particularly confident child at that age. I played with other children sometimes, and had friends, but I was very happy playing alone and often wandered alone deliberately because I enjoyed it.

The worst thing I remember from being 5/6 years old at school were the teachers who were constantly trying to get me to join in with other children’s games when I really didn’t want to.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just meant it's a very serious issue and not merely mean or upsetting. Based on experience it can snowball if it isn't nipped in the bud.

Absolutely speak to the teacher. Don't wait. Even if it's a heads up that your meeting will be to discuss this issue.

One thing you didn't mention is if your daughter's unhappy. Is she?

Some children like time to themselves.

Does she actually want anyone to play with? Is she going up and asking to play or just trying to join in and being actively excluded by the other kids?
My dsd never played with anyone in primary school, always slightly more emotially mature than the rest of the kids so didnt enjoy their company that much and just didnt enjoy playing kids games, would happily practice her dance routines on her own, wonder round and have a chat with the adult teacher on duty or read. The teachers and her mum made her life hell throughout school forcing her to do things she wasnt happy doing at playtime and making her feel like there was soemthing wrong with her, if your daughters happy on her own dont make her feel bad about that.

I was also the loner child - I was never bullied or ostracised but the idea of being forced to join in with group play filled me with horror (and still does). I hated it when well meaning playground staff made me play!

She may be perfectly happy as she is. Have you actually asked her? What is her body language say when she's alone - does she look sad?

A few good previous posts here - I also support:

1. Talk to teacher
2. Encourage outside of school interests and hobbies (my daughters’ good friends have never been to school together)
3. Theres a few good books for this age on making friends (they really do help - you read them together and then “play act” scenarios so she can practice - I’ll try to link some in Amazon for you )
4. Breathe - this is just the start of the roller coaster of girl friendships - it will really be ok - she won’t be lonely forever and she will find her “people” - hang in there and try not to ride the rollercoaster with her

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0439153999/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?ref=plSrch&keywords=making+friends+for+children&dpPl=1&dpID=41U1P%2BtQlyL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1523972086&sr=8-3

Yes, speak to the teacher, he/she should have ideas for trying to encourage the others to integrate a bit more with her. Also, talk to the teacher about how to make it work from your daughter's side as well, ie she needs to keep going up to others and hanging around them, joining in. At that age, they're less likely to think of others and notice if they're on their own, if they're already with someone themselves.

DD2 did this for two terms in reception class. I was totally unaware until her class teacher told me at parents evening. She told me that she had been doing this for two terms and she had been worried about her however by gently encouraging her to join in with the others the issue had been resolved. DD2 was very shy and stoical, had no problem joining in with the other children during class time but lost her way at breaks and lunch. When I asked DD2 about it she said she wasn't very keen on the others to begin with but was ok now. It broke my heart to think of her all lonely at break and lunch. She never seemed unhappy when I collected her, I really had no idea. Definitely good to get the teachers point of view and talk to DD about how she feels. My DD now a teenager, always has a friend in tow, is very sociable. She does however take a little time to make her mind up about people. I often wonder if that is just what she was doing on her own in the playground.