I can't trust my husband :(

[indecis]

A year or so ago I found out that my husband had gambled a lot of money away - all of his savings in fact. I was very shocked and upset but tried to be understanding as I knew he felt awful about it and he was absolutely adamant that it would never happen again. I've never known him to have a problem with gambling previously so didn't push him to get help, as he really didn't want to. We've always had individual savings so it also wasn't my money to decide what to do with (although having some contribution to the future would be nice!).

Everything was fine for a while but then about six months ago he spent his entire salary on 2 separate occasions gambling. I work part time so his salary is vital for our living costs etc but we don't have a joint account so I do rely on him to pay some attention to what we're spending and so on. I'd happily have a joint account but he isn't keen on the idea. When he spent all his salary twice he took out loans to hide it, I only found out when I opened a letter from a loan company by accident (as I couldn't see the name, only the address) and asked him about it. I told him to shut any gambling accounts and paid off the loan out of my savings as I can't stand debt. We had a lot of arguments about it as it gave me quite bad anxiety about not being able to trust him.

Fast forward to last week. A letter came through the post for him and there was just something about it that made me suspicious so I checked the return address on google - it's a loans company. I confronted him when he got back from work and he admitted he's taken out another loan, again he wouldn't have told me about it if I hadn't found out.

I feel so enormously betrayed that he's been lying to me, especially as he knows how much I hate being lied to and how much I hate debt. I've asked him to move out temporarily so I can have some space but I really don't know what to do. He's such a brilliant dad to DD and I don't want to leave him but I can't trust him and have a horrible feeling that every time we had an argument I'd be throwing this back in his face, even if I think I'm ok with it. Frankly it's unimaginable at the moment that I'll ever be ok with it.

Help please!

Don't be so sure about house and dds savings. Gambling addicts can be very determined and resourceful. Eg as part owner of the house he can still take out loans with his half of the house as surety, he could forge your signature on agreements, forge your signature on withdrawal forms for the savings account...

You really need to check your credit rating thoroughly with all (I think it's) 3 agencies.

Alert your mortgage holder to potential issues.

Protect your own account.

I've a relative who's a gambling addict he's gone through several spouses, lost more than one house and has numerous convictions for fraud and similar that he's committed in order to obtain funds for and cover gambling.

It's one of the worst addictions because there's no physical reason for them to stop. A drink or drug addict will eventually become physically incapacitated. It's also what makes them the best liars and manipulators because there's no substances acting on their cognition.

DEFINITELY don't join financially with him any more than you already are.

If he wants to help himself he can contact the companies he has an account with and ban himself. www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/self-exclusion I know he could still find a way but it's a start.

What a sad memory Lying.

Sorry for you OP this is awful.

My ex was a gambler and From personal experience things WILL NOT get better. He lied about money constantly and became very controlling with finances (in regards to my spending because it meant he had less to take to the bookies) and towards me in general. It got so bad that he's spent every penny that was meant for our wedding and his parents had to bail him out before I found out and called the whole thing off. I wish I'd known what was going on because I never would have gone through with it if I had realised. He absolutely destroyed my life. He ruined my credit rating by taking out credit cards and loans in my name (so that may be something you might want to look into yourself). Please don't make the same mistake I did and keep letting him get away with it. He genuinely obliterated any love I once felt for him until walking away because the easiest thing in the world to do.

My DH excluded himself from all the bookies in our area and it was very easy to do so. They kept trying to get him to sit and have a cup of tea a reconsider! Makes me sick and furious just thinking about it now! luckily he had taken his DM with him and she wasn't having any of it.

Wasn't very easy*

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace

What a terrible ordeal to go through!

OP, I agree with others who say you should immediately check your credit score so you can be armed with the correct knowledge to sort out your own finances. Taking him back should only be done under very specific circumstances - you have full financial control, he attends meetings etc. I am not sure if it will be worth the years of stress and strain though - only you can decide that. Best of luck.

I'm an addict. Twenty two years of addiction from age 17 and now one year gamble free. Early stages.

It's serious, it has near ruined me and my family.

I'm now facing into it and I'm in counselling etc.

Gamcare friends and family on the forum is a good start for you

You cannot control it, you cannot cure it

You can look after you

What happens after that doesn't need to be decided today but you need to protect you.

I am a terrible parent for what I have done. I have so much love to give and I do give it but I have taken choices and oooortunities away from my children

Look after you

Hooray, thank you, it was sad. We're all ok now (no contact with my father) but I feel that my mum caught the absolute brunt of it. My brothers definitely suffered and she couldn't be the mum she always thought she was going to be. It's affected her to this day and she's harder because of it. Strangely enough, she bears no resentment to my father and is the only one who is in any kind of contact, however distant.

That's why my advice to the OP is to run. Divorce - find someone else when you're ready, do not continue to give your life to this man because he will take everything you have and give you nothing but heartache and the realisation that you've put your child LAST by trying to fix him.

You have my abject sympathies, OP, you and every other person who has suffered at the hands of a gambler.

Sorry, Where I said a joint account I didn't word that correctly. I meant more that you need to be able to see his account, see what he's spending it on. Apologies - saying joint account was wrong.

My father was a lifelong gambler, and it seriously and unequivocally damaged our family. No holidays, and I mean NONE, a mother who literally wouldn't look at full priced food in supermarkets, instead choosing to do her shopping at 4.45pm,once the discounted items were shelved, constantly worrying that we would lose the home we had been raised in, no car - so nobody to take us to school events, pick us up from friends' houses etc. I loved my dad, so very much. But I am starting to realise since his passing that more than anything, I loved the idea of him more than the actual person. Was he a good dad? Actually, no. At least with alcoholism, the destruction is evident. Gradual, to an extent. With gambling, lives can be ruined in the blink of an eye. It may be an addiction, but it's one of the most selfish. And it's the deception, the sticky, oppressive and trust eroding secrecy that's the worst.

And in my opinion, most gamblers don't change. With loans to "cover" debts, and people to stick by them no matter what is done to them, why would they? A very tricky situation, OP, but one that must not be underestimated in any way. There isn't a windfall in the world that can make up for having to live with a gambling addict. Simply because no windfall will be good enough for a gambling addict-there is no end, only the next false chance to win big again.

@Firstworlddramas I think your post was incredibly honest and brave. I really wish my ex were in the same place mentally as you. He's not an evil person but I just don't ever see him getting to a place where he accepts that he has a problem (admits it every so often to get everyone off of his back, he's even barred himself from local bookies unfortunately there are so many around he always leaves himself with at least one to go to). I really hope things continue to get better for you

@willynillypie it's taken it's toll on me and I'm currently undergoing counselling but I'm with someone who I can love and trust me and things are much better ☺️