I can't trust my husband :(

[indecis]

A year or so ago I found out that my husband had gambled a lot of money away - all of his savings in fact. I was very shocked and upset but tried to be understanding as I knew he felt awful about it and he was absolutely adamant that it would never happen again. I've never known him to have a problem with gambling previously so didn't push him to get help, as he really didn't want to. We've always had individual savings so it also wasn't my money to decide what to do with (although having some contribution to the future would be nice!).

Everything was fine for a while but then about six months ago he spent his entire salary on 2 separate occasions gambling. I work part time so his salary is vital for our living costs etc but we don't have a joint account so I do rely on him to pay some attention to what we're spending and so on. I'd happily have a joint account but he isn't keen on the idea. When he spent all his salary twice he took out loans to hide it, I only found out when I opened a letter from a loan company by accident (as I couldn't see the name, only the address) and asked him about it. I told him to shut any gambling accounts and paid off the loan out of my savings as I can't stand debt. We had a lot of arguments about it as it gave me quite bad anxiety about not being able to trust him.

Fast forward to last week. A letter came through the post for him and there was just something about it that made me suspicious so I checked the return address on google - it's a loans company. I confronted him when he got back from work and he admitted he's taken out another loan, again he wouldn't have told me about it if I hadn't found out.

I feel so enormously betrayed that he's been lying to me, especially as he knows how much I hate being lied to and how much I hate debt. I've asked him to move out temporarily so I can have some space but I really don't know what to do. He's such a brilliant dad to DD and I don't want to leave him but I can't trust him and have a horrible feeling that every time we had an argument I'd be throwing this back in his face, even if I think I'm ok with it. Frankly it's unimaginable at the moment that I'll ever be ok with it.

Help please!

He's not a brilliant dad, brilliant dads don't risk the stability of their children.

YOu are allowed to leave. It is genuinely unacceptable to blow a month's wages on gambling ESPECIALLY when you have a child to support

I would leave him, he’s proven himself twice over a deceitful liar. Protect yourself and your credit rating.

He's betrayed you and you know what? He will spend and spend and spend until every penny you own has gone.

Why not get out now and continue a relationship with him if you want to, but make a vow not to lend him money? He's going downhill fast and he'll take you with him - seriously, if you ignore this huge red flag it will be at your peril.

My partner is a gambling addict and his last bet was nearly two years ago. He will always be an addict and regarded as such, no matter how long it's been - it's not something that can be cured. I was completely naive to the addiction before I met him, so you need to get up to speed and fast. Unless he chooses to go to a rehab facility of his own accord and attend regular support meetings (at least one a week for the rest of his life) he will not stop gambling, no matter how many promises he makes you. As with any addiction, a gamblers main priority is to protect their addiction, which means they lie, and they lie extremely well.

You shouldn't have any joint accounts as his bad credit will drag your credit rating down. Im not sure about a joint mortgage as ours is solely in my name. You need full access to his bank accounts - get his online logins so you can check as and when you need to.

Trust can be rebuilt, but slowly. We're still working on it and always will be, but my partner hit rock bottom and entered a 12 week rehab programme of his own accord, during which time we split up. He didn't have loans, but it was still devastating.

Ultimately remember you are not his parent. You need to take steps to start protecting yourself and your child right away - speak with charities and citizens advice etc to work out what you need to do. Also look into gamanon and get support for yourself. Check both your own and his credit rating on the free moneysavingexpert tool, but brace yourself for a shock. The more proactive you are, the more secure you'll feel as you can see money coming in and out and how it's being spent, but honestly question everything he says right now as he is clearly in the depths of the addiction. Lastly, gamblers can't cure themselves nor can they "just dip in and out" with little flutters here and there. They will never win enough to stop - it's not even about the winning, so don't accept this as a response.

Sorry for the long reply, but I thought it important to share what I've learnt.

Firstly, don't ever think he's a brilliant dad. A brilliant dad does not gamble his entire months salary meaning his child could go hungry. He's got an addiction, and honestly I think your best bet is to separate until he's dealt with it and you can slowly begin to trust him again. He has to be the one to do this though, and you need to step back and let him whilst keeping yourself and your DD safe from the fallout.

I'm sorry you're going through this .

This would be a dealbreaker for me even with kids. My dad was an alcoholic and a gambler but it was the gambling that pushed my mum over the edge because she needed that money to pay the mortgage to house her small child (me). She got rid of him before his gambling and stealing to gamble dragged us both down with him. Best thing she could have done.

If you're not in the same place though I think @Aquamarine1029 had sound advice: he gets help and you have charge of all the money.

I’d change all passwords/pin on all accounts including DD’s savings.

My DH has a gambling addiction. Its very hard and I feel your pain. It's less frequent now than it used to be and he recognises the triggers and asks for help. He's currently on antidepressants too which he initiated himself. It's a horrible thing to live with and I hate it when he gets bad and the demons take over. He isn't himself and it turns our family upside down. The lies hurt the most.
There is nothing you can personally do until he wants help for himself. Keep finances separate if possible and do not help him in anyway financially as that is enabling, let him sort his own mess. I had to have councilling myself to learn how to cope with it all. I really feel for you OP and I feel sick at the thought of it as I know exactly what the gut wrench feels like when they do it. He can apply for help through Gamcare and so can you, there are online forums too. It's never easy living with a gambler and you'll always be a little weary but it can work. Hope you're OK OP

I think this marriage is over tbh

The trouble is - there never is a 'big win'. There may be larger wins, but the thrill of it just feeds the addiction, so the money gets re-bet on something bigger, something riskier with a bigger pay-off (which never comes).

How many gamblers got that one big win and then gave up gambling forever?

My heart dropped when I read this was about gambling. You both need help. There are some great chat rooms you can join to chat with other gambling widows and get advice. If you find it is all getting too much see your GP. If you are willing to stay with him he needs to agree to hand over all control of finances to you and seek help immediately. Gamblers anonymous are meant to be great and his GP may be able to help him with counselling and discuss whether his addiction is a symptom of an underlying cause such as depression. You also need to think about putting your house in your own name so that he can't possibly remortgage and make sure he doesn't know you PINs and internet banking details so that your money is safe.

You talk about trust but sadly telling lies is one of the symptoms of addiction and I don't know if you will ever fully be able to trust him again. Just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic a gambling addict is always a gambling addict. Try not to take it personally though, it is part of the illness not a reflection on you or your relationship.

On a positive note many people do overcome this with the right support. He needs to acknowledge he has a problem and he needs to get support immediately.

for you OP

My sister's husband had a gambling problem. They lived in NY, and she'd saved $60,000 which was to cover their son's college fees. He'd run up credit card debts to exactly that! Not much of a coincidence. All hell broke loose, credit cards were cut up, and she organised a payment plan to pay off down the debt, so she wouldn't have to touch the college fund. Just as 'they' finished paying back the first debt, he admitted he'd run up the same again. She said she'd never believed people actually tore their hair out, but she was reeling around the room, bouncing off the walls, wailing and tearing her hair out. She couldn't even leave, or everything would have gone. She arrived at some kind of accommodation with the creditors, got $30,000 written off as a bad debt, and left him. That wasn't the end of it though, as the $30,000 she'd had written off then became income and subject to tax. It took her years, and moving country, to get herself out of the mess he made.

Gamblers are always so sorry for the harm they've caused. Until the next bet.

Mitel. You are naive to say the least! Gamblers never win in the long run and it would take an massive number of wins to recoup the money he has already lost. He is an addict and the only way out is to admit that to himself and get help

He will ruin you. He won't stop until he has spent every penny and exhausted every avenue to obtain credit. He will lie and lie and lie to hide it from you. Take steps to protect yourself.
That is what addicts do. You need to protect your finances from him.

YOU cannot make him change.

YOU cannot make him seek help.

YOU cannot trust him, quite rightly.

HE's broken your trust and HE needs to find a way to fix it; HE needs to own his problem and address it.

I am so sorry you are going through this - I have lost all trust and respect for my H and we are now separating. It is not what I want, but it is necessary. Which does not make it any less horrendous for me or our children.

Wishing you strength, but don't invest it on a lost cause. The onus is on him to make changes. You need to take control of your life and protect your interests.

Separation may be the rock bottom he needs to get help - or it might not. You can’t force him to treatment or to want to recover.

In your situation I would have to get out.

I’d want to protect myself and DD - he could ruin you as people have said.

He certainly isn't a brilliant father, he is quite willing to see his child, cold,hungry and homeless in order to satisfy his gambling addiction.

You cannot help your husband. You must act in the best interests of your child, and that means your husband needs to sort out his addiction himself while you get professional legal advice to protect your finances before he leaves you and your child destitute - don't kid yourself that he loves either of you enough to stop gambling all your money (and any she has, if he can get his hands on it).

Oh... you do have a child. Run now, straight to a solicitor and divorce this fucker. What an asshole he is, he has a child and does this. You will have no peace whilst you're with him, not a moment as you'll be trying to second-guess him, make sure that he isn't running up more debts that you'll be dragged into to. And he will. Because whilst you're thinking of your child and him - he's thinking just of him and how he can get money to gamble.

I'm so sorry that you're on this path. It's lonely and destructive and he isn't going to change. He's told you that he doesn't want help. What more do you need to know?

I remember my mum taking the dried beans off a flower arrangement and boiling them, along with some kind of flour dumpling for dinner once. It was horrible, more so because she was crying and I remember that so vividly.

At the very least it's time to insist on complete financial openness which includes a joint account so you can see where his salary goes in.

insist on complete financial openness which includes a joint account

Please dont join your finances to his.

The ideal is that he hands over all his finance to you and you manage it by giving him an allowance. Then gradually as he shows he is changing you can hand back some control but never under any circumstances allow him to have access to your money.

He is a gambler and he would see spending your joint money or even 'borrowing' from an account in your name a way of making money. Gamblers honestly believe they can win, even though they generally don't. Its not rocket science there wouldn't be all this debt if it was a good earner. It's no coincidence that the legalisation of gambling advertisements was closely followed by the rise of the payday loans.

Oh gawd, do NOT have joint finances!

If he were to offer to grant you full access to his account/s, that might be a starting point, but I'd be very mistrustful in order to protect your child's and your futures.

Agree with Fruitcorner and PerfectlyDone - opening a joint account at this point would be madness.

You have no idea of how many loans he has,you accidentally found one.That he earlier didn't want a joint account means he still has something to hide.
However hard it is I think you can't let him back until he has started treatment and comes clean about his finances.Do not spend any more if your money on paying his debts get him to set up a doable payment plan.
But the trust is gone,he has lied and is probably upset and remorseful because he got caught.It is going to be hard but you need to be financially independent to.protect yourself and your child.

You do need to see a solicitor to stop his debt becoming yours as you are married.