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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancer and work

36 replies

bie1 · 16/04/2018 02:41

My husband has terminal cancer stomach and liver. On Friday he started choking which we later found was due to the stomach rumour bleeding. He had a transfusion. Then he started bleeding from his bottom. He refused to go back to hospital. My son and I are taking it in turns to monitor him through the night but my son and I work. I can’t leave my husband in case the choking thing happens again. My employers have refused to give me paid compassionate leave (I have taken about 16 hours compassionate leave over the course of 4 months). I don’t know what the guidelines are, any advice?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 16/04/2018 02:45

Im so sorry you are going through this. Your employers sound like a bunch of bastards.

Nicknacky · 16/04/2018 02:47

I’m so sorry to read this. Go off sick. I went off with stress when I was helping care for a family member and the doctor had no issue with providing a sick line.

IHATEPeppaPig · 16/04/2018 04:36

I second the going off sick - some employers get things so so wrong, it's disgraceful.

ScrewYouTalkingTom · 16/04/2018 04:39

I also agree with Nicknacky - take time off sick for stress, your doctor when hearing about the circumstances should be more than happy to write you a note.

Your employer sounds heartless!

footballmum · 16/04/2018 06:38

You are entitled to short-term unpaid leave to care for a dependant but as others have said you may be better off going off sick or take emergency holiday. Unfortunately your employers are not obliged give you paid leave in these circumstances.

AnyFucker · 16/04/2018 06:39

See your GP and get a sick note.

StylishMummy · 16/04/2018 06:50

Get signed off with stress

PumpkinPie2016 · 16/04/2018 06:54

So sorry to hear you are going through this Flowers of course work should be the last thing on your mind and whether there is an obligation or not, any decent employer would grant you time off.

Call in sick for today and contact your GP or the Macmillan team - they are there for you as well as your husband Flowers

TittyGolightly · 16/04/2018 06:56

Call in sick with stress. Self cert for a week. See your GP at some point in the next few days and get yourself signed off.

Be with your husband. He needs you and you’ll never get that time back.

(Said with both personal and professional HR hats on.)

cantstopfuckingeating · 16/04/2018 06:58

Def go off sick. Your doc will sign you off with situational stress for however long you need x Thanks

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/04/2018 07:00

I am So sorry OP

Get a GP appt and a sick note / get an emergency appt today - and also ask about local hospice care
Also try a cancer helpline like Macmillan for practical advice
Read up
On the Govt website for the basic legalities
Make sure your husbands financial basics and a will are a in order ( sorry to say that but it will save time if he has a will and you have a copy of his major bank accounts and assets)

No human should have to work through this

There is tons of practical advice out there for you

Sending all my best for a peaceful ending FlowersFlowers

Hard times x

Chocolatecake12 · 16/04/2018 07:01

I have a colleague who has been off sick with stress for 4 months in very similar circumstances.
Phone in sick today, get a gp appointment and they will sign you off.
Thinking of your family. Don’t forget to look after yourself too.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/04/2018 07:05

Also remember that it might get to a stage that you cannot nurse him at home OP
GP is needed and this IS an
Emergency xx

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/04/2018 07:07

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Flockoftreegulls · 16/04/2018 07:07

A lady I worked with whose son was terminal went off sick with stress. We all knew she was caring for her son. Just see your gp and get a sick note.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

PerfectlyDone · 16/04/2018 07:10

Please see your GP - people have been signed off for stress for less than what you are going through Thanks

Please also bear in mind that a major gastrointestinal haemorrhage (from either end) can be hugely distressing for all concerned and very difficult to manage at home unless you have very good end of life care support and I hope this is the case for you and your DH.

I am so sorry this is happening to you all Thanks

Nothingclever · 16/04/2018 07:22

So sorry you’re in this situation. No first hand experience but I understand Maggies Centres can help with practical advise

rocketgirl22 · 16/04/2018 07:23

I am so sorry this is happening to you, what a terrible thing to have to go through.

I second the sick note, and when all of this is over get a new job. The company you work for are a disgrace.

LadyLapsang · 16/04/2018 07:26

Sorry you are going through this. Does your workplace have any type of employee assistance / workplace helpline or are you a member of a trade union? If so, they are likely to provide help and support. When you have spoken to your employer, what do they expect you to do? Is the issue that they are content to allow you time off / leave of absence, but just don't want to pay you?

OllyBJolly · 16/04/2018 07:32

Does your company have contractual sick pay? Many smaller businesses do not, so taking sick leave is often not an option for people in this situation.

I was caring for my sister who had terminal sickness and had to reduce my hours for just over a year. I'm lucky in that I could do that. For many people there just isn't an easy answer to caring for a sick a relative. Very few people can take a cut in income and even if company sick pay is available, you often can't predict how long you would need (and always the thought that the need might be greater at some point in the future.)

I did find McMillan very supportive. So sorry you are living through this.

LadyLapsang · 16/04/2018 20:16

If you end up in a situation such as Olly describes, you may qualify for Carers Allowance. It's not much, but it may help.

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

eyestightshut · 16/04/2018 20:25

Get your GO to sign you off.
carers.org these people can help with a carers assessment for you , and will look at any benefits you are entitled to and things like respite. Has he got any input from district nurse or community Macmillan Nurse to help with symptom management?
Your husband should have a ds1500 which gives him automatic entitlement to Either Higher Rate PIP or Attendance Allowance (you apply under Special Rules)GP or his Cancer nurse Specialist can complete this.

eyestightshut · 16/04/2018 20:27

Macmillan have a means tested Grant you can apply for to spend on pretty much anything. Some utility companies have a reduced tariff for cancer patients as well. Your local Macmillan information centre of Maggie's Centre of you have one can help with these. X

Northernmum100 · 16/04/2018 20:33

So sorry to hear about your husband. Will you be covered by the Equality Act as you are a carer for your husband? Hopefully someone smarter than me will be along to advise more but I am sure I have seen this somewhere . ACAS or Macmillan could also maybe advise.