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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to give naggy man a second chance?

43 replies

Tomayto · 16/04/2018 00:43

Hi all
NC but longish term user (I moved in when Mumsnet madness was still active!)

I met a man in a bar for a drink (date one) & we swapped numbers. Lots of texting for a few o weeks and some sexting Blush but I made it very clear that I don’t have sex until I’m very committed - think knowing each other for at least three months, etc (but other things are fine, just because it’s what I’m comfortable with)
Last night we went out for dinner (date 4) and he came back to mine after for ‘coffee’ as he’d missed the last train. We had a nice time Blush but he was absolutely desperate to actually have sex with me, almost nagging and kept asking for / reaching for a condom. Once he was finished he kept asking when I felt I’d be ready for P in V.

At the time I was just irritated by the nagging (not sexy) but when I told the story to my friends they were horrified and said he didn’t respect boundaries. Am I an idiot for thinking a second chance isn’t the worst idea ever? He was otherwise lovely and quite drunk

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 00:48

Worst idea ever.

MizCracker · 16/04/2018 00:50

I wouldn't call that behaviour naggy. It's disrespectful of your boundaries, sexually coercive and creepy.

SignOnTheWindow · 16/04/2018 00:51

So he was lovely otherwise...

Unfortunately this was a pretty darn big otherwise.

I agree - worst idea ever!

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2018 00:53

I'd have been drier than the Sahara Desert in your shoes🙄 nothing even remotely sexual would have taken place that's for sure. There is nothing sexy or attractive about a man who sees sex as his absolute right just because you've been on a few dates. That's just boorish. & to approach in such a lech manner too. Yuk.

He was absolutely desperate to actually have sex with me, almost nagging and kept asking for / reaching for a condom. Once he was finished he kept asking when I felt I’d be ready for P in V

Your friends are right about him not respecting boundaries. It's a bit concerning you don't understand that really. Decent men respect womens' boundaries and are a lot nicer to be with too.

ClemDanfango · 16/04/2018 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaltyPeanut · 16/04/2018 00:56

If this is him on his best behaviour because you've only just started dating him, do you really want to see what happens when he decides to show you his worst. Big red flags here with regard to boundary issues, proceed with caution. I personally would not continue to see someone who behaved as he did, especially not alone in my own home.

Original poster
Tomayto · 16/04/2018 00:57

That was an issue MistressDeeCee - although I think that might have only made the nagging worse!
Thank you all Flowers I’m only recently out of a very long term relationship and am really struggling with dating.
Next question : AIBU to ghost him? Wink

OP posts:
Monty27 · 16/04/2018 00:57

What's p and v?

Springtrolls · 16/04/2018 01:01

He has no boundaries. He isn't lovely. He was nagging for sex, I mean who does that?
Ghost him. Dump him. Get rid of him.
Dating can be hard, you just need to have a list of no no's that you can refer to for an instant dump.

Birdsgottafly · 16/04/2018 01:05

Monty27

Penis in Vagina.

OP, he's showing you a lot of disrespect already. I, personally don't Ghost, I say it like it is. I'd feel as though he was just hanging on for a shag, it would be completely turning me off him.

GnotherGnu · 16/04/2018 01:10

Do you know he missed the last train, or is that what he told you? I'm sceptical.

GnotherGnu · 16/04/2018 01:11

Don't ghost him, just tell him he's dumped. And tell him why, with any luck he might learn something.

TemptressofWaikiki · 16/04/2018 01:13

Gah, that is revolting when a guy nags and pesters like a randy Jack Russell. I'd have swotted him off with a folded up newspaper and put him outside in the garden for the remainder of the night and then sent him packing in the morning for good.

Monty27 · 16/04/2018 01:14

Thanks Birds.
Op don't even entertain the arse! 😱😠

esk1mo · 16/04/2018 01:19

eurgh, i dated a guy briefly like this. we’d already had sex a few times, but this time i didnt really want to. we lay down (fully dressed) after breakfast, he actually got undressed while i kept saying “i dunno, i dont really want to”

i dont have many regrets but thats definitely one. i wish SO BADLY that i told him to fuck off, but instead i just let him.

Shoxfordian · 16/04/2018 04:55

He's already trying to ignore your boundaries and coerce you into sex. Huge red flag op.

Storminateapot · 16/04/2018 05:06

Vile. I dated a guy who used to keep grabbing my hand & shoving it down his pants onto his erection. Massive turn-off! We were 17 though - I would hope a chap's technique would mature by adulthood but this guy sounds the same,

His first name doesn't start with D does it...ConfusedShock

Octave777 · 16/04/2018 05:29

I don't think you should give him another shot as you aren't sexually compatible. He thinks four dates is ok where you are waiting months.

I think it would only happen again. As someone with a high sex drive I'd find it hard to wait a long time so I think it's just a mismatch.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/04/2018 05:33

I don’t think it’s just a mismatch at all. I’d get rid of him and tell him why.

AngryAttackKittens · 16/04/2018 06:22

Blech. Pushy creep. If you see him again the same pattern will just continue, so I'd bin him, and tell him exactly why you're doing so in the hopes of sparing the next women he goes out with some aggravation.

hesterton · 16/04/2018 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExFury · 16/04/2018 06:35

So, he missed his train (probably deliberately) and his thanks for you putting him up was to pester for sex? Repeatedly? And his seduction technique was to ask for a common and pester you as to when you'd be ready? There's nothing lovely about that. I'd run. He's got no respect and his main focus is sex.

Weezol · 16/04/2018 06:36

Coercing someone into sex is rape. I really wouldn't be having anything to do with him after I'd told him to fuck off.

I think you need to listen to and talk to your friends again. You are staggeringly naive.

Slartybartfast · 16/04/2018 06:48

He didnt respect your wishes.
that is a No

deptfordgirl · 16/04/2018 06:50

Urgh he sounds awful. Please don't give him another chance.

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