Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to wish that parents of young children wouldn’t push “best friends” as a concept?

38 replies

Serena1985 · 15/04/2018 13:50

My daughter is three. She goes to nursery three days per week. She’s quite a young three.

In her class just now, there is an obsession amongst the kids with “best friends” and my daughter is too young to really understand this. So she comes home upset because “Anna said she wasn’t my best friend today”.

I was chatting to DDs keyworker about this and I said I was comforting DD by telling her to just be friends with everyone, don’t need best friends etc, i said “if Anna says it again tell her you’re everybody’s friend”. Key worker said this was a real issue within the room just now and that they are working on it by promoting the same thing ie that they are all friends. I felt a bit better about it.

However, yesterday I had coffee with a couple of nursery mums and we were talking about the issue. One Mum agreed with me. The other one however was giving it “oh well my Ruby has two best friends and that’s good because it means if she falls out with one she has the other. But we have been trying to encourage her friendship with these two girls.” - why though? Why not let them just be friends with everyone?

Names changed to protect the innocent, btw.

OP posts:

my2bundles · 15/04/2018 14:15

It's good to encourage everyone to be friends. Saying that my son who is now 10 has had he same best friend since school nursery age 3. There are others in the friendship group but the friendship he has with his best friend is very important to them both.

my2bundles · 15/04/2018 14:18

I didn't push them to be best friends and the name for it didn't come about untill a few years later but some children do gravitate naturally towards having a best friend and in my child's case it has been very beneficial for him and his friend and hasn't prevented other friendships.

whileStatement · 15/04/2018 14:46

Couldn't agree more.

At least it isn't the very strange 'boyfriend and girlfriend' talk about children of a similar age.

Original poster

Serena1985 · 15/04/2018 14:47

Yeah that’s another one of my bugbears

OP posts:

Namechange128 · 15/04/2018 14:54

Agree. There was an article saying that apparently Prince George's very fancy prep school doesn't allow 'best friends' at young ages as it limits children socially. Seems a little ott to me, but do sort of get where they're coming from.
If yoyr friend says it again, i'd let it go with the same kind of answer your key worker gave, to me encouraging bffs at this age says more about the parent's insecurities than anything else.

Original poster

Serena1985 · 15/04/2018 14:55

I think that’s exactly what it is. It’s like there is already a “popular” clique. But it’s the parents not the kids.

OP posts:

my2bundles · 15/04/2018 15:29

My sons friendship has nothing to do with my insecurities. 2 little boys struck up a special bond age 3 that is still as strong today. I didn't even know the other boys parents untill a while later. It also has nothing to do with cliques, they are good friends with many other children. Some children do gravitate towards a best friend, it's got nothing to do with cliques or excluding others.

giveitfive · 15/04/2018 15:36

I think it's shit. It encourages clique behaviour from an early age. Both my kids have lots of friends all of whom bring different things to the party of life. At times they have been closer to some than others, but not had that weird love affair style intensity of one best friend.... I would definitely not encourage seeking out one best friend. Seek out lots of friends.

dirtyquerty · 15/04/2018 15:43

There was an article saying that apparently Prince George's very fancy prep school doesn't allow 'best friends' at young ages as it limits children socially
I think that is more about closing down media speculation.
How can you 'not allow' best friends? A person likes who they like!

BlurryFace · 15/04/2018 15:49

To be fair, I don't think parents have to deliberately push the idea (not to say none of them do) - there's a lot of "best friend" stuff mentioned in children's books and TV shows, and they will hear stuff off brothers, sisters and other kids.

It's a shame they're being so cliquey so young. It's not really come up with either of my DSs at preschool - DS1 calls everyone his best friend, including the friendly bus driver and the dog and DS2's issues mean he doesn't really care for his classmates one way or the other.

ChasedByBees · 15/04/2018 15:50

I completely agree OP.

QueenB14 · 15/04/2018 15:50

I have been friends with my best friend since nursery and my daughter is that age now and has a "best friend" I don't encourage it but she and this other girl just naturally gravitated to each other. I haven't encouraged this as she really is lost when this other girl is off nursery for whatever reason. I don't know her parents apart from to say "hello" to either so its not that in our case, although I daresay I will get to know them if the girls remain close. I don't think its a "popular girls/clique" situation with them either, they are amongst the shyest in the class so mostly stick together because they are comfortable in each others company

blackteasplease · 15/04/2018 15:50

I agree OP.

It maybe that the school doesn't encourage / acknowledge best friends rather than not allowing them.

PartyRingss · 15/04/2018 15:59

It is a bit odd because surely at that age they are just "friends " so who does "best" have to be added? So little Katy is friends with little Isobelle rather than little Katy is best friends with little Isobelle.

They have so many friends throughout school years anyway, especially if they are mixed up in classes each year. I think part of it might be parents wanting to make sure their children have special friendships, even if the child themselves are too young to really understand it beyond the fact they are "friends " with x,y,z at pre school.

PartyRingss · 15/04/2018 16:02

Also at my dds junior school they mix them up each year. I was worried at first but it's actually been the best thing for her because the friends she's made in years 5 and 6 have made her very happy at school but she wouldn't have made those friends had they not mixed the classes up.

Lizzie48 · 15/04/2018 16:03

I do agree that children should be encouraged to have several different friends rather than just one best friend. I had a best friend in primary school but then her family moved 300 miles away and I never saw her again. I often wonder how she is, I can't trace her as she had a very common surname. I did try.

My DD1 struggles to make friends but at 9 years old she finally has a couple of good friends. DD2 is apparently 'everyone's best friend' according to one of her friends. So I know she'll be okay even if one of her close friends moves away.

I think that really is the problem with having one child as a 'best friend'. If one child moves away, they both end up being hurt.

Momo27 · 15/04/2018 16:04

I agree OP. I also find it weird when adults talk about their ‘bestie’.

Of course children, like adults, will gravitate towards people they feel comfortable with. And most of us as we get older realise that it’s ok to have a whole range of friends, and to like them in different ways.

To label friendships in this way at such a young age is really limiting and it risks all sorts of misunderstandings. If a child feels that another child has been labelled as their best friend it might make them reluctant to move away from the friendship or to make other friends alongside.

Where a child naturally gravitates towards another and enjoys their company is a different issue. It’s the pushing of ‘best friends’ and labelling it as such which the OP means

CanaryFish · 15/04/2018 16:05

When my daughter was in preschool she would refer to two girls as her BFFs but actually rarely played with them !!

It annoys me the pressure people put on kids. When she started “big school” everyone (relatives, shop assistants, work colleagues , her father) would say
“Oh do you like school , who’s your teacher ? Who’s your BEST FRIEND?”
Daughter would look embarrassed and stumble out an answer about how she was friends with everyone.

catkind · 15/04/2018 16:08

I agree OP. Both my kids have had one close friend at certain stages, but they never played it in the exclusive way that some of DD's classmates seem to see it. Really possessive. And then when DD doesn't want to be owned, they get all sulky and won't play with her at all.

Kirta · 15/04/2018 16:09

Definitely. We just encourage our daughter to be kind, don't leave anyone out and if there is someone without anyone to play with, invite them the play with you. She has a group of close friends, but they don't really refer to each other as best friends. They all just play together. It's nice. I think if you throw one kid in the mix that starts monopolising other kids with 'best friend' business it becomes a bit of a different dynamic.
Saying that, kids need to learn to manage those situations, so I try to let her crack on without any interfering. Hard sometimes though!

Beamur · 15/04/2018 16:09

I am 40+ yrs old. I had a best friend, it's not a new thing. But the behaviours around it can be a pain, but are a pretty essential part of learning how to behave and how to relate to other people.

CurcubitaPepo · 15/04/2018 18:31

When ds1 was in reception, he had a best friend, and pretty much had all his eggs in one basket. Early in year 1 this child and his family moved some distance away. Ds1 was lost for a number of weeks. I try to encourage them to have plenty of friends now because of this.

Mightymucks · 15/04/2018 18:34

They’re not allowed ‘best friends’ at DS’s school, only ‘close friends’.

AuntLydia · 15/04/2018 18:35

I think kids just make friends in different ways. My eldest always attached herself to one particular child when she was younger and has only found the confidence to gain a larger circle of friends as she got to late primary school age. My other two have large groups of friends with no definite best friend. I think kids should be allowed to just make friends in the way they can manage as long as its not hurting anyone.

my2bundles · 15/04/2018 18:40

Agree with Auntlydia. In no way is my sons friendship a clique, they are just friends. If therm there's see it any differently than t e innocent friendship that it is then they need to take a long look at themselves.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread