to wish that parents of young children wouldn’t push “best friends” as a concept?

[Serena1985]

My daughter is three. She goes to nursery three days per week. She’s quite a young three.

In her class just now, there is an obsession amongst the kids with “best friends” and my daughter is too young to really understand this. So she comes home upset because “Anna said she wasn’t my best friend today”.

I was chatting to DDs keyworker about this and I said I was comforting DD by telling her to just be friends with everyone, don’t need best friends etc, i said “if Anna says it again tell her you’re everybody’s friend”. Key worker said this was a real issue within the room just now and that they are working on it by promoting the same thing ie that they are all friends. I felt a bit better about it.

However, yesterday I had coffee with a couple of nursery mums and we were talking about the issue. One Mum agreed with me. The other one however was giving it “oh well my Ruby has two best friends and that’s good because it means if she falls out with one she has the other. But we have been trying to encourage her friendship with these two girls.” - why though? Why not let them just be friends with everyone?

Names changed to protect the innocent, btw.

Its unreasonable to think that even at 3 kids cant have closer friendships with some kids than they will with others. 3 year old dd has the few children she doesnt like very much, the ones she gets on with and will play with at nursery and then the 3 or 4 that she really likes and will ask to spend more time with outside of nursery.
Nothing to do with me, I dont get on that well with the parents of her 'best friends' and I'd never met them before she started nursery.

Its a power thing at that age where they say ahe is my best friend to claim their patch. My dd had this at preschool and you are not coming to my party. Teach your child to not give a hoot. I agree that parents shouldn't be asking who is your best friend?
And as for adults going on about their best friend..so annoying as presumably they have lots of friends so singling one out in public is so rude.

It's not that having close friends is a problem. I think the problem is when they start pushing other children away and being rude to them. Dd's friend when DD is in her best friend sights gets all sulky if DD invites another child over or wants to play with them. Pretty sure she was making up malicious lies about the last one too. It's not a nice dynamic. As June says, seems to be a power thing. Or maybe insecurity?

That’s exactly it.

I completely understand that they make friends and there are kids that they like and don’t like or gravitate towards etc. That’s normal.

What’s annoying is this constant “she said I wasn’t her best friend and she was playing with Lucy so I don’t want to go to nursery tomorrow” situation. And today when I said “DD tends to get on well with Emily” he disagreeing Mum said “oh well Emily is very close friends with Iona isn’t she?” I mean wtf

Maybe I’m just worried it’s the start of DD being hurt by cliques and horrible groups. I was a victim of these girls at school and I don’t want it to be the same for her.

My daughter is 2.9 and has a best friend at Nursery.

Not encouraged by either me, the other mum or the Nursery it just so happens that these two play together all the time and her friend says "MiniLady is my best friend" they do play with a wider group of about 4-5 other children, but consistently these two are always together. They try and sit together at meal times as well which I think is cute.

Best friend talk is normal amongst children.. I don't promote it, nor do I correct dd when she refers to multiple 'best friends' (Which I believe is grammatically incorrect).

Everyone is my DD's best friend. Including the dog!

I find this really interesting my dd is 3 and quite chatty and confident. My friend has decided that my dd and her dd are 'best friends' my dd isn't fussed and will play with anyone

Friends dd won't go any where at nursery during free play unless my dd seeks her out and my friend has recently enrolled her dd in the same extra curricular groups as my dd as they are best friends

I don't get it

I think that happens in a lot of cases nicpem. I know two mums who were antenatal friends and their kids are in the same nursery class now. They force these kids together at every opportunity and will loudly proclaim to anyone in the vicitnity that they are “just little besties, it’s adoooorable”

The kids always seem fairly nonplussed to me.

Serena - my dd is not fussed and will play with anyone me and dh don't actively push the girls together

I totally agreee, I hated the 'best friends' thing in Nursery and even at the start of reception.

I used to tell my DD she didn't have a best had good friends and friends. It was ok to have some friends she like playing with more, they were her good friends. Then there were the other people she played with sometimes, her friends.

She got in her habit of saying 'I don't have a best friend, I have lots of good friends.' When someone started in about best friends.

It's good Nursery are on it, our Nursery was the same when this issue raised its head. They planned a weeks activities where it was all don't in pairs, but each activity they were with someone different. So by the end of the week they had played with lots of people lots of times. It seemed to break the cycle.

When I was young, I was very shy. I hated it when teachers said everyone was my friend, because I didn't want to talk and play with everyone. It was overwhelming and scary. I had 2 best friends until I was 6 - not because my parents pushed it but because that's what I was comfortable with.

I find that kids now are forced to be 'friends' and play with everyone regardless of what the kids actually want. A best friend is someone you are more comfortable sharing everything with. And that's ok.

Dammitoedipus, i think it's fine to gravitate to certain children. What's not okay is when a child who has noone to play with comes up and asks to join in and is told "no you can't play, you're not my friend". Or when one friend tries to push all DD's other friends away from DD because "she's my best friend". I think what teachers mean by being friends with everyone is being kind to everyone, being able to work with different children etc. I think they're much better now at supporting children to get comfortable with talking to all the class, not just the two they knew from nursery. I think that's a good thing for everyone. (Speaking as one of the shy kids myself.)