To ask for a parenting (a girl) tips

[LifeAssurance]

DD is nearly 9 and has started doubting herself. She ays she doesn't like the way she looks, and whether she was adopted (because she looks more like dh than me). She says she really wants to look like me and constantly seeks reassurance about whether she is being 'good'.

I so want to help her feel at peace with herself but I', not sure I understand what happens developmentally at this age for girls (she is 9 in October).

What were or are your daughters like at this age and how do you best support them?

• I mean parenting a girl tips.

My daughter is now 10 and we’ve been going through similar for a year now. She is so emotionally needy and unsure of herself. I’m not sure what to do to reinforce her sense of self-esteem and give her confidence. Not much help, but empathy at least and hopefully some answers will come.

There will be a comment about ‘finding your daughter’s tribe’ that will come up I’m sure and I heartily agree with this advice. My daughter started scouts and it has made a huge impact, but outside of This it’s still hard.

I offer a critique of things. So when little mix are thrusting in their undies I’ll say things like “they forgot their trousers again?!” Then we will chat about why they dress like that.

I try not to preen or fuss to much about my appearance at home and we are BIG on sports and being strong and active. We gym together. We all bike as a family. I don’t have any magazines in the home and no SM yet.

I also make sure that we all understand looks is just one small facet of ones appearance. We big up health.

She is so emotionally needy and unsure of herself.

yy this applies to my dd too. I try to give her lots of assurance without being patronising or minimising. I was worried that there is something more to her feeling insecure (which she has never been before) or whether this self critical and insecure behaviour is quite typical for this age group in girls.

Atalune I agree with you on emphasising sportiness, strength and health over appearance.

When dd mentioned to me that she didn't like her reflection in the mirror, I explained that almost everybody feels like that now and again, so it's ok and normal to occasionally question yourself (validating and not minimising her concern) but that she is a great girl who is loved exactly for who she is by her family and friends. I also explained that the mirror doesn't give us a realistic image of ourselves and can never sum up the person we are underneath our appearance. Also that cosmetic industry would not exist if people didn't doubt themselves and that we can learn to love ourselves with all the bits we wish were different.

Considering how much most women strive to alter themselves to reach visual perfection, without even realising that is ultimately what they’re doing, I’m not surprised a 9yr old has picked up on the need to be a better version of herself. She could be getting this from anywhere these days but just make sure it’s not coming from you op. In case you do this (so many women do) try not indicate success and a good mood come from having completed all the beautifying tasks properly every day and a full face of make up with the perfect outfit.

It concerns me that she wants to look like you, rather than herself or her dad, have you inadvertently given her the impression that you are doing the right things looks wise? (Not leaving house without makeup, teaching her that doing something nice for yourself is bathing and preening etc, commenting on how nice she looks a lot). That’s a lot of pressure for a little girl.

I’m not Sure how to express the above without making women who do all that defensive but i genuinely don’t think it’s good for our young girls to see that at home.

Justanotherzombie Am totally with you and the opposite of what you describe in your post (but appreciate that different women will have different attitudes to looks and grooming) I wear no make up and am even slightly overweight but happy in my own skin. There is no way she gets this from me but I wonder if her wanting to look like mummy (she is much prettier than me I would say) is an expression for wanting to feel like she belongs somewhere and more related to identity than actual physical looks. She has been watching Little Mix at a friends house last week (the Touch video) and there were more comments about looks since then, perhaps there is one possible link.

However i sense that she is rather questioning herself than just her looks.

She certainly has not yet found her 'tribe' on the country. Her class is very mixed in terms of ability and personality that none of the girls fit very well with each other and only 2 or 3 have managed to become close friends. I do sense that she feels left out at school and possibly rather friendless although she is well liked.

*on the contrary!

Maybe it’s just normal realisations then OP. She might be confused by seeing these little mix characters that her friends are wowing over, all this appearance stuff is new to her. Maybe the girls were commenting on blond hair being the best and she has dark curls etc. so has quietly kept that info to mull over. I think making sure she has friends from diverse walks of life (sports is an easy way to bring other kids into her world) will help her keep perspective on who she is and why she doesn’t need to look like anyone else. But it can be hard to shout louder than her peers if she is immersed in one group of girlfriends who are going through a ‘looks’ phase.

Also, keep in mind that her wanting to be you might actually be her way of expressing she wants to be with you as you are her icon of security. So I would probably ramp up the one on one time if you canand make sure to be listening when she speaks for a while (we all get very distracted with busy daily lives and I find I tune out the kids at times).

I think she sounds completely normal
Op and it’s jot just a girl thing.

I had 6 kids so 4 lads and 2 girls. They all said things similar at that age. I would say big then up with lots of praise etc. I am the type of woman who never goes out without makeup and have treatments etc, I wasn’t going to change who I was or pretend to my dds but equally I never encouraged them to be either like me or unlike me so supported their choices.

Yes agree totally on the being healthy and strong for all kids. My dds were actually far more emotionally strong than my lads.

Keep reassuring her and keep chatting, make no subject off limits that she brings up so she knows she can trust you with anything. Have as much one to one time with her and as with all kids try to find out what she’s really interested in, a sport or hobby or books etc and encourage her to pursue. A hot chocolate and a cake out just thr two of you is perfect chatting time.

And always remember teach her to keep things in proportion, and to see the funny side of things.

Atalune
"Then we will chat about why they dress like that."

How do explain why the dress this way to a 9 year old? Not sure how much to say and how best to put in context.

One different note, I just watched the LM Touch video, gosh it's dreary. feeling old

And always remember teach her to keep things in proportion, and to see the funny side of things. I love this advice!!!

I try not to criticise people like girls allowed ( that was my dds days) but say how they are seeing them dressed for the stage etc and they don’t look like that at home etc. I wouldn’t pick out the bits like the short skirts etc.

Keep emphasising the positives girl bands do like charity work etc. If you keep positive you will being up positive kids.

My one dd was convinced she was a mermaid at 9 and was obsessed with that show where the girls turn into mermaids

I try not to criticise people like girls allowed ( that was my dds days) but say how they are seeing them dressed for the stage etc and they don’t look like that at home etc.

That's a good idea, it contextualises their outfits.

I feel that things have moved on so fast and navigating pressures from school, peer group, social media, youtube etc. will be quite challenging, I feel actually a little ill equipped . I want to get it right and give her a stable and grounded experience but there is a lot of external pressure for young girls today and a lot of things I am unaware of.

To recap, sport, hobbies, lots of talking, being a positive and confident role model, etc.

Any good books I could suggest to her for her age group? She likes to read.

I don’t think it’s at all uncommon at that age.

My DD saw the school counsellor at for anxiety. Nothing specific, but helped with her positivity. A couple of her other friends also saw them. She mainly focused on what made her happy and we took it from there. Might be worth checking to see if it’s something your school offers?

Does your DD do any activities?

Keep telling her she’s ace, reassure her before she seeks it. I think that you being aware is half the battle.

I’ve bought a couple of books from here
www.amightygirl.com/

WRT Little Mix (who DD loves) she knows it’s stage wear and ‘they don’t go to Aldi wearing that’. Took her to see them live, they do a lot of girl power stuff which I just go with. Yet to point out the middle aged Male record execs calling the shots. I let her wear pretty much what she likes, (thankfully she’s an oversized sweatshirt and leggings kind of girl) but have told both my DDs that when they start to wear midriff tops, so do I.

Think she started wearing crop tops (as in underwear) at that age. Because another girl in her class did (whose cousin was wearing them) so they all started. And so it begins....

I think anxiety is common at this age. My DD was anxious from about 7 until she was 12. I think it was the lead up to puberty and once here periods started she was fine.

I have one of similar age. I challenge 'good' and 'perfect' which has raised its head. I was just nobody's perfect and if they were they'd be awful anyway. That really seemed to help, she now laughs that she isn't always good and that she deffo isn't perfect.

My dd doesn't seem to worry that much about her appearance, other than having big teeth and I remember that one from the past

Mother of ‘out the other side’ teenagers here. I never had this (loads of other problems, so my advice isn’t humblebragging)

They never saw me spending time, energy or money on grooming and I don’t diet. No Women’s magazines in the house, very close surveillance of music videos. No scales in the house, no full length mirrors.
Both dds had ‘hair straighteners and makeup phases’, both wore a lot to school in year 8/9.
They’re 10+ years older than your DD, OP and stomp around like Kate bloody Tempest 🙄
They can scrub up beautifully, they just know it’s not important.

My daughter is 9. Her self image is good I think. She does lots of hobbies which help her to be active, feel good about and enjoy herself; dance, gymnastics, horse riding.

Sgree with everyone although Etino I felt slightly giddy at no full length mirrors! How could I see if my arse looked big!

As a strange aside according to 19 year old dd having a big arse is desirable these days! Who knew!

V good point about good/perfect. I think my DD has good self esteem (she's 11) and totally gets that she's not perfect, but is just great as she is.
I think being body positive but still being able to eat a cake is a good start too, being active and healthy without making it too big a deal. Paying compliments for qualities that are not about looks. Having hobbies and activities that are engaging and rewarding.
My DD had problems with anxiety and intrusive thoughts a couple of years ago, bad enough for a CAHMS referral and pretty prompt help, which was so timely and helpful. I don't think it's unusual at this age. Striving to be perfect is a symptom of anxiety for some children.

Interesting point about the mirror. We don't have a bathroom mirror (never got around installing one when we did up the house) but we have a full length one, which has been the culprit here. I often see both dcs standing in from of it. Even ds (6) said a few months ago "I don't like the way I look" in front of the mirror so I suppose it might have to go or be placed somewhere less accessible.

Striving to be perfect is a symptom of anxiety for some children.
This makes sense. We spoke some more yesterday and I am grateful that she is sharing her thoughts and feelings with me now, she never used to until recently. She told me last night that she didn't want to go to school. Last term she got into trouble with her class teacher for being too talkative during lessons. It's a v strict and academic school and I get the sense that she is feeling pressured and unable to cope with the demands placed on her.

When I asked her what one thing she would like to change to like school again, however, she said "I would like a best friend"

Her two friends have both changed school last year and there is only one or two more gels left she feel she has anything in common with.

She also mentioned "nobody ever comes to me at playtime".

It seems like she not too happy at her school.

Oh bless her. Op when you are a good parents, as you clearky are, and they feel they can talk to you there’s no filter so they tend to tell you everything they are feeling at that minute about friends etc and it can be quite sad. It stays with you and worries you but remember that they change with the wind at that age.

So a spat with s friend at 10 am is the end of the world but by 2 pm they are playing a game with another friend and having a ball while you are still worrying about the 10 am situation.

If she’s overall sad or really starts to avoid school then that’s concerning but if it’s day to day rubs make sure you keep it into perspective and then she will too.

Try not to appear over concerned about her life as that makes her feel she has something to be concerned about.

It’s a blooming minefield isn’t it? Sure you do this but have some sleepovers or as she’s only 9 maybe take her and these girls out for bowling/tea/ to help them jell??

I agree with trying not to appear too concerned. But I am

I'd love to hear from mums of simile aged girls whose daughters seem happy in their own skin and why they think this may be so.

Socially, do some personalities mange the school environment better than others? It is a minefield!!