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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I should have said this?

48 replies

Fitzsimmons · 14/04/2018 20:50

In laws are up for a visit.

FIL very demanding of attention all the time and his family are very much enablers, i.e. he always gets what he wants even if it is detrimental to others. They are staying in a hotel.

End of the day today we are saying goodbyes as they head back to a hotel.

FIL demands a kiss from DS (5). DS (who has a number of traits that might mean he's on the spectrum) doesn't want to kiss him.

FIL: (Holding onto DS) No DS, you need to give me a kiss.
DS: (Squirms).
FIL: Now DS, give Grandad a kiss.
DS:(Sort of half leans in but clearly doesn't want to).
FIL: (With a cross tone) Properly DS, now give me a kiss.
Me: DS, you don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to.

At which point FIL let DS go and huffed away.

Should I have said what I did? Or was I overeacting? The entire exchange made me feel rather uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 14/04/2018 20:58

You definitely said the right thing.

You are teaching DS he has boundaries and a right to them.

Your FIL on the other hand sounds creepy "demanding" a kiss..... did he get stuck in the 1950s?

SneakyGremlins · 14/04/2018 20:59

Well done OP. I hate twats who do this.

TheQueenOfWands · 14/04/2018 21:00

You did the right thing.

Worst part of childhood is being forced to kiss random people.

Original poster
Fitzsimmons · 14/04/2018 21:00

Iflyaway more like the 1850s. MIL (who is generally quite nice) waits on him hand and foot. He orders her around like a servant. I feel so sorry for her. Just grateful DH isn't the same way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fitzsimmons · 14/04/2018 21:03

TheQueenOfWands I agree! I loved my grandad, but I hated it when I was made to kiss him goodbye because his beard was so scratchy and he had smoker's breath!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 14/04/2018 21:06

YANBU. 👏👏

SmileEachDay · 14/04/2018 21:07

Absolutely the right thing. It’s vital that children learn they can say no to physical interaction of any sort - and that their parent will back them!

MsGameandWatching · 14/04/2018 21:08

In a similar situation - also child with autism.

"She doesn't want to! For goodness sake leave the child alone!"

This was after many other gentle requests to not pressure and explanations about why she didn't want to hug.

Ohyesiam · 14/04/2018 21:09

You are a good mum and did the right thing

Original poster
Fitzsimmons · 14/04/2018 21:12

Thanks all. I didn't want the day to end on a bad note but his insistence made me feel uncomfortable and I wondered if I was overthinking it.

OP posts:
peacheachpearplum · 14/04/2018 21:20

You did the right thing, no one should be forced to kiss people. Sometimes it is a game and that is OK if both sides see it like that but forcing is a no no.

somersetsoul · 14/04/2018 21:21

Well done 🙂 FIL is an idiot!

mancmummy1414 · 14/04/2018 21:22

You did the right thing. Teaching him about consent and that his body is his own - you’re a great mum.
FIL sounds like a nightmare and inappropriate to boot.

MissTeri · 14/04/2018 21:23

YANBU and FWIW it doesn't matter if a child may have autism or not, no child should be forced to have any kind of physical contact with a person they do not wish to.

Passmethecrisps · 14/04/2018 21:25

Good work. Your FIL ended the day on a bad note. You ended the day being an excellent parent when the situation demanded it.

lattewith3shotsplease · 14/04/2018 21:29

OP,
A decent GP would never force their DGC to kiss....you did the right thing and FIL is a pillock

user1487175389 · 14/04/2018 21:29

You said exactly the right thing. No-one taught me about boundaries when I was little and I remember being utterly shocker when other people's parents said to them what you said to your DS. It just never occurred to me that I might have the right to not kiss a demanding grandparent. You're teaching him consent right from the word go. Good for you! Flowers

Beeziekn33ze · 14/04/2018 21:30

OP - you were so right. No child should be forced to kiss anyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 21:32

Dh (French) tried to get dd to “faire la bise” when she was little. I stopped it. No child of mine is being forced to kiss an adult if she doesn’t want to. You absolutely did the right thing.

Idontdowindows · 14/04/2018 21:32

Another voice adding to the you did the right thing choir. It is vital that children learn that they are allowed to say no!!

alterego2 · 14/04/2018 21:34

My DS always hated kissing random relatives good bye. We taught him to shake hands instead. It sounds terribly old fashioned but it worked. We had to explain the first few times but after that everyone accepted it and shook hands with him. There's something quite appealing about a small child offering to shake hands.

VimFuego101 · 14/04/2018 21:37

YANBU at all. I hate it when FIL does something similar to DS.

ClownPockets · 14/04/2018 21:39

My son is poss adhd and ASD and if he didn't want to kiss a relative I would say exactly what you did. Same for my daughter who is NT.

AnneProtheroe · 14/04/2018 21:39

As a child I hated the "kiss everyone goodbye" round at the end of parties. Ugh. I preferred to wave and go.

Gemini69 · 14/04/2018 21:40

you did the right thing OP Flowers