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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I should have said this?

48 replies

Fitzsimmons · 14/04/2018 20:50

In laws are up for a visit.

FIL very demanding of attention all the time and his family are very much enablers, i.e. he always gets what he wants even if it is detrimental to others. They are staying in a hotel.

End of the day today we are saying goodbyes as they head back to a hotel.

FIL demands a kiss from DS (5). DS (who has a number of traits that might mean he's on the spectrum) doesn't want to kiss him.

FIL: (Holding onto DS) No DS, you need to give me a kiss.
DS: (Squirms).
FIL: Now DS, give Grandad a kiss.
DS:(Sort of half leans in but clearly doesn't want to).
FIL: (With a cross tone) Properly DS, now give me a kiss.
Me: DS, you don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to.

At which point FIL let DS go and huffed away.

Should I have said what I did? Or was I overeacting? The entire exchange made me feel rather uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Prestonsflowers · 14/04/2018 21:41

You did the right thing.
Love the idea of a little one shaking hands, so sweet.
My DS says to my DGS to kiss Nanny night night, lo says No, I say ok. Then he comes to me and says Nanny, I love you

BellyBean · 14/04/2018 21:43

I agree with your comment. I always insist on a polite wave on the doorstep if no kiss or hug. DD has a tendency to run off rather than say goodbye.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/04/2018 21:44

I say “are you going to give X a hug and a kiss?” and if I get a no, I don’t push it but say “ok, just say goodbye then”.

Passmethecrisps · 14/04/2018 21:48

Personally I say “say bye bye”. Sometimes dd will
Launch in for a cuddle, sometimes she waves and says goodbye. We haven’t directed her in either.

bluescreen · 14/04/2018 21:53

Absolutely, you did the right thing. Some GPs are stuck in the stone age where children had to do what they were told no matter what. My DM was like that. Very difficult to deal with but it has to be dealt with and in the end you are teaching children boundaries rather than pandering to old people's huffiness.

BennyTheBall · 14/04/2018 22:02

You did the right thing.

My children have never been forced to kiss anyone, ever.

I have horrid memories of being made to kiss my parents' guests. Mine will give their grandparents a hug, voluntarily, but that's it. I don't kiss my parents as I find it unpleasant.

MammaTJ · 14/04/2018 22:09

You actually could not be any more right than you are if you tried really hard.

Freyanna · 14/04/2018 22:10

You were right.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 14/04/2018 22:18

YANBU. We owe it to our children to teach them that their body belongs to them and they do not owe anybody physical affection, even relatives.

llangennith · 14/04/2018 22:23

You said the right thing OP. I’m a child of the 1950s when children were made to kiss revolting relatives and I hated it. Especially one pervy uncle. Thank goodness we’ve moved on from then and raise our DC and DGC that they have a right not to be touched in any manner that makes them uncomfortable.

They have to learn to trust their instincts.

BikingBeatrix · 14/04/2018 22:32

Remind me, which of those two individuals is the mature one. Absolutely right, OP, you are teaching your child important things.

lostmyslippers · 14/04/2018 22:53

You did absolutely did the right thing. Well done for speaking out OP!

PinkCalluna · 14/04/2018 22:58

You did the right thing.

A high five is a good way to say goodbye without kisses.

silverbirches · 14/04/2018 23:05

When I was tiny I was made to kiss my grandad with his horrible scratchy yellowed beard even though I really didn't want to. I'm in my 50's now, and have pogonophobia to this day. Ugh.

Barbaro · 14/04/2018 23:09

You were right. I refuse to kiss relatives, always have. They think I'm weird for it, I think they are weird for wanting to kiss a relative, even goodbye. Can say goodbye and wave, don't need to kiss.

Mary1955 · 15/04/2018 08:38

You did the right thing, and now it's done so the situation won't arise again. Breathe a sigh of relief, op!

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 15/04/2018 08:44

You did the right thing and i’ll be doing the same when my baby is old enough to kiss/hug/wave goodbye!

nuttyknitter · 15/04/2018 08:50

YANBU - crucial not to force children. My DGC have always preferred a high five.

nuttyknitter · 15/04/2018 08:51

YANBU - crucial not to force children. My DGC have always preferred a high five.

GrainneWail · 15/04/2018 08:56

In our house the dc have to say goodbye politely and for close family /friends can offer a hug, handshake or hi five.

LuluBellaBlue · 15/04/2018 08:59

Well done OP, please listen to what everyone is saying and in future say earlier or not even let your child go through that trauma if you can Flowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/04/2018 09:02

Poor ds, good for you OP. Hated this as a kid.

MillieMoosMam · 15/04/2018 09:14

You absolutely did the right thing OP -

Things like that stay with you - I remember being taken to see Santa (I was about 6) he was sat on a stage, being given a present and him saying 'Give Santa a kiss....' I really didn't want to, but did, then burst into tears and ran off the stage....it just felt wrong but I remember it so well, its weird!

I LOVE the idea of teaching a child to shake hands and saying 'hello, goodbye' - kissing is really quite intimate, Handshaking is such a polite/ boundary setting and self confidence lesson, your teaching them to be in control of a situation by offering a hand, its really not used/ taught as much as it should be! - forcing someone/anyone especially a LO who is obviously uncomfortable with kissing is unacceptable - you really stepped up as a Mum - Its totally admirable -

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