Or is this inappropriate/unsympathetic

[NameChangedAndForgotOldName]

You've spent the night in hospital with a loved one you were very close to, you were there with them when they passed, they've only been ill a few days and it's totally unexpected, up until yesterday afternoon you thought they were getting better.
You ring your oh and he answers with "is he dead now then?"

That's awful, OP, and I'm very sorry for your loss too.

Is your DH usually the type to engage mouth before brain, and has he apologised profusely? If yes to both, I'm sure I'd forgive him. Eventually.

I guess the "oh is he dead?" Could be blunt, rather than cruel. But to add 'then' on the end is cruel and spiteful. What an arse.
For you.

I guess the "oh is he dead?" Could be blunt, rather than cruel. But to add 'then' on the end is cruel and spiteful. What an arse.
For you.

DH often gives the impression of only opening his mouth to change feet but I know he'd never be that crass, uncaring or cold about someone so close to me. Is your OH always such a thoughtless sod?

Only you know what your OH is like generally and what his relationship with the deceased with like. If he's usually a kind, considerate person and this is truly a one off, then I'd be inclined to put it down to shock-induced foot-in-mouth.

I probably suffered from much the same last year, except I was the one breaking the news of a sudden death, so nobody accused me of being insensitive (not to my face anyway).

Shock can make people say/do strange things. Sorry for your loss.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

It was a stupid and thoughtless thing to say but in mitigation some people are a bit rubbish in the face of bereavement.

Condolences to you.
Phrasing things badly does not mean that he doesn't care, more likely he was taken aback at the 0-60 of the situation and those words just dropped out.
Judge him more on how he behaves in the next days and weeks. If he is your rock for support that says far more than his initial phrasing. Actions speak louder than words, and all that.

Oh Christ, that's dreadful. So sorry, OP. 🌺

Really thoughtless and stupid for your DH to say that but to give him the benefit of the doubt it may have been shock on his part no-one really is prepared or knows what to say when someone dies.
Hopefully he has now had the chance to realise he has been an arse and is supporting you.

Sorry for your loss. Is this a one off or is it typical of him? And if it is typical, is it because that´s the way he communicates or is he often unpleasant to you?

I am so sorry, NameChanged, about the death of your loved one. Especially shattering when this was so unexpected.

Is it possible that your DH really , totally believed that this person would recover and so was making (an utterly tasteless) joke?

Could it have been that for that second he believed that you were phoning with good news and, in the tension of that moment, said such a terrible thing (but as a joke, believing the reverse was true).

People do such things under such tension.

If there was no possibility that your DP was (albeit crass-fully) doing this, then I am doubly sorry.

Well, only you know who your OH is as a person and whether he is a generally sympathetic & well-meaning or not.

If he is, then it could simply have been a foot-in-mouth moment. Context matters.

When my dgm was in hospital for 6 weeks before her death my exh wanted me to request fuel costs from my aunt - our marriage didn't last much longer. ..
Sorry for your loss op.

That's horrible.

Hi OP, sorry for your loss, something similar happened to us, and the person isn't an insensitive person, just feels awkward and not sure what to say in such situations so hopefully that is the case for your OH

You know best, OP - I mean, obviously it wasn't the best thing to say, but you know best (as a few people have said) whether a) he was being a massive dick, as usual b) he was being a dick, but it's totally out of character c) he quite often says things which sound dreadful out of context but aren't meant to hurt.

So sorry for your loss. xx

Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss.

About 6 months ago a man I know well called me and told me the tragic news that his daughter had died of meningitis. For some reason I said

"What?What? Don't say that, that didn't happen, she's not dead, don't say she's dead."

Then I collapsed on the kitchen floor and cried for 3 hours.

Sometimes people say and do ridiculous/silly things when grief hits them, could this be the case?

I am so sorry for your loss

Not a very nice response but unforgivable? That’s a bit much.
Is he normally that blunt?

That is exactly the sort of thing my dad would say!

Does he not deal with loss/feelings well? Maybe he just didn't know what to say?

Very very insensitive but there might be a reason. Sorry for your loss 💐

Fucking hell

I’m so sorry for your loss

My dad still hasn’t quite forgiven my mum for 25 years ago when she had a phone call and handed the phone to him saying “your mum’s died, talk to Dave (the neighbour who’d phoned). It was clumsy, but it had been a shock to her. It was completely out of the blue.

It’s hard for us to know, without hearing tone and knowing the person. Probably better to judge their behaviour from now on, rather than just this one comment.

Your hurt is primarily about the bereavement. Don’t get fixated on a sentence.

I could come out with this sort of thing but it is my inappropriate and not funny humour that I use as a defence mechanism. I may go into autopilot and say it without realising until a nanosecond later that this could be hurtful. History of excessive bereavements in my past including v traumatic. Also professional history of dealing with this (entirely appropriately) - so I wouldn't mean to be callous, but I have had an erosion of what normal expectations are and desensitisation to repeated exposure of such events.

Depends on tone.