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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if anyone regrets getting divorced?

53 replies

NameChange1999 · 14/04/2018 13:50

My 4-year-old marriage is crumbling and I'm on the precipice of a divorce.

There's been no infidelity, or abuse, or financial problems. We don't even have kids. There's just a loss of emotional and physical intimacy.

My DH is a kind man, and I wonder if I would regret divorcing him. I read somewhere that 55% of people do end up regretting their divorce.

Is that true? Do people regret divorcing their very kind but physically distant partners?

OP posts:
Mariaaaaa · 14/04/2018 13:51

Nope. My exH is lovely. Top bloke

I will never, ever regret it Grin

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 14/04/2018 13:53

I know someone who found the book ‘the proper care and feeding of husbands’ useful. The author states that the book is not for relationships where abuse, infidelity or addiction is a factor, rather those which have lost their fizz.

Original poster
NameChange1999 · 14/04/2018 13:53

I don't know what to do. It feels so cruel to divorce him when nothing has happened.

And I wonder if I'd be acting rashly and end up regretting it.

OP posts:
MaireadMacSweeney · 14/04/2018 13:55

No. I've made some poor decisions in my time but ending my marriage was one of the best things I ever did.

Chand4567 · 14/04/2018 13:55

Have you tried relate or you can get special Counselling for reginting the spark.

WhiteCoyote · 14/04/2018 13:57

In your circumstances (and I’m somewhere very very similar atm) I'd go for trying to saving it - through honest conversations, therapy, and a lot of exploring with each other and on your own. If and only if that fails would I go for divorce, because at least then you’ll know you did everything within your power to make it work, and you wouldn’t feel so bad after.

MeanTangerine · 14/04/2018 13:57

Have you considered counselling? Either for you or the pair of you? Does he know how you feel?

OOMG · 14/04/2018 13:58

No, best thing I ever did. Like yourself, there was no abuse, infidelity or kids. Only married for a couple of years. No point in plodding along with the wrong person for the sake of it.

MaireadMacSweeney · 14/04/2018 13:59

Would you and your DH consider counselling OP? It sounds as if you might benefit from it, either to help understand what's gone wrong with the relationship or to support you in ending it.

pinkpixie83 · 14/04/2018 13:59

Yes unfortunately I do.

We lost our spark, our connection. Admittedly he was an emotional bully as well. But I regret it. I'd give anything to go back and have my marriage and family home together again.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/04/2018 14:03

It is more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

When I split from my exH, he was my best friend, I agonised for months on how to deliver the news as I didn’t want to hurt him. Turned out he also wanted out but couldn’t tell me either. We continue to be good friends for years after the split, then we started arguing about money and he turned into a monster.

It is all bad now, but still I do not regret getting divorced, these years have not been easy but they have been the happiest of my life.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/04/2018 14:05

Ps. We tried to save it for 8 years. I wish we hadn’t, it wasn’t necessary and just made things more complex.

Wateroffaduck · 14/04/2018 14:05

Nope not at all. Never ever regretted it, not one little bit. He was 10 years older than me and I now realise many years later he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Also heavily into porn, watching and selling it. He knew I hated it.

Married 3 years; no kids, I moved 200 miles away, never seen him since. Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if I found he had died.

Original poster
NameChange1999 · 14/04/2018 14:06

We've talked about counselling and he's very open to it.

He even paid a deposit for the first meeting.

I pulled out because I was scared and felt ashamed of failing at this. Embarrassed at the thought of discussing personal things with a stranger.

The meeting was scheduled so far in advance that when the time came around, it had felt like things were much better and why couldn't we fix this on our own?

And here we are again.

Pink pixie, that terrifies me.

OP posts:
nocake · 14/04/2018 14:06

My only regret was not getting divorced sooner (although getting married in the first place was a mistake). We had no kids so made a complete break. I've seen my ex just once since our last trip to court, and that was during a triathlon we both happened to be at.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 14/04/2018 14:09

Before I made the decision I found counselling (individual and couples) was very helpful. I have absolutely no regrets about the divorce.

BaldricksTrousers · 14/04/2018 14:10

Ultimately I don't regret my divorce, as it led to a marriage to a better man and my lovely child.

But...

I do regret that I didn't try harder to save my original marriage. I was young and dumb when I got married and I met someone else....he wasn't the perfect husband but nothing really "happened" to make me leave. I feel bad that I didn't even give him a chance to know why I was dissatisfied and it wasn't working.

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/04/2018 14:13

One of my friends had a stable but boring marriage. She swapped him for exciting and dangerous. Mr Exciting slaps her about, Mr Boring didn't.

mummmy2017 · 14/04/2018 14:15

Talk to him...
Find out if you want him gone from your life..
Mine wanted out
Forced it too happen and then found out life was carp and he had to settle for someone who wasn't like me...
I always had some money...and would share...
We always had food.. She smoked and drank.
She was after his wages... I worked...
He told me after 3 years how much he hated it not seeing the kids but he knew I had finished with being ignored and made out in his head to be the problem....

EyepatchOfTravis · 14/04/2018 14:16

Well, my marriage was utterly toxic and I spent years trying to fix it with ExH having no interest in working to make things better. Now and again I'll feel bad for ending the marriage - but then he will say or do something so utterly obnoxious, it will remind me why it was one of the best decisions I ever made!

I had lack of emotional and physical intimacy as part of the problems in my marriage, and it was devastating - but then, it would be a stretch to call ExH "kind". I guess it's a case of whether you would both have the inclination and commitment to work on those things together. I think those things can be improved in an otherwise good relationship, but both parties need to recognise the issues and be willing to put the work in.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? What is his take on it?

LondonCrone · 14/04/2018 14:21

Watching with interest - I asked my husband of almost five years to leave Thursday morning for a week so that we can ‘hit reset’. But the longer he’s gone, the less I want him to come back...

Not a bad man, like many of you say, but he doesn’t take much notice of me and stays out drinking at least twice a week. I wonder if things can get better, but he won’t try counselling (he says it’s like me: too American. 🤨)

Cupoteap · 14/04/2018 14:24

I think that most people regret it trying properly to give it a go when they know they're in trouble.

I don't he was abusive and deserved it!

Americantan · 14/04/2018 14:27

No. I've made some poor decisions in my time but ending my marriage was one of the best things I ever did

You and me both, sister Wink

Pleasebeafleabite · 14/04/2018 14:29

I personally wouldn’t give up without counselling in your circs OP. If it’s right to end it it will give you confidence in your decision

Also recommend working through the book too good to leave too bad to stay - again to help clarify your mind

PurpleSea · 14/04/2018 14:31

OP, please try counselling! It would be such a shame to throw your marriage away because you feel a little embarrassed. We go to doctors, personal trainers, beauticians, etc, because we can't sort things out ourselves, so there is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed because you need some relationship help.

From your post, it sounds salvageable! Remember the promises and vows you made on your wedding day - surely it's worth trying everything?

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