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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if anyone regrets getting divorced?

53 replies

NameChange1999 · 14/04/2018 13:50

My 4-year-old marriage is crumbling and I'm on the precipice of a divorce.

There's been no infidelity, or abuse, or financial problems. We don't even have kids. There's just a loss of emotional and physical intimacy.

My DH is a kind man, and I wonder if I would regret divorcing him. I read somewhere that 55% of people do end up regretting their divorce.

Is that true? Do people regret divorcing their very kind but physically distant partners?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 14/04/2018 14:35

OP - we were in exactly the same position as you.

I loved him but it was like a familial love, we had fallen into being friends and nothing more.

We separated and divorced very amicably. Most importantly for us - although not a consideration for you - was that our daughter wasn’t affected by rows and a nasty split.

We remain close friends and I am good friends with his new wife; who is far more suited to him than I ever was.

No regrets other than natural sadness it didn’t work out - it was absolutely the right decision.

squoosh · 14/04/2018 14:40

One of my friends had a stable but boring marriage. She swapped him for exciting and dangerous. Mr Exciting slaps her about, Mr Boring didn't.

I hope the support you offer her is tinged with less judgement.

OOMG · 14/04/2018 14:46

Incase my previous post sounded flippant, I did try counselling first though - both couple and individual. In my case, it just helped confirm the decision and gave me more strength to end it.

Therunecaster · 14/04/2018 14:50

I don't regret ending my marriage. It had ended years ago in reality. I regret the pain the divorce has caused the children. All of my efforts to maintain a civil relationship with the ex have paid dividends in minimising the pain.
I have met someone else and 2.5 years on I have never been happier.

KurriKurri · 14/04/2018 14:54

Having divorced a superficially very attractive but ultimatley emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive and controlling man, if I ever had to choose again I would pick a kind decent person every time.

I regret not having the happy marriage I had hoped for, but I don't regret my divorce from a bad person.

I'm probably much older than you (I'm 58) but I've come to believe that liking and above all respecting each other is very important. Being friends, being caring, doing things you enjoy together. I don't think you have to be madly passionately 'in love', I think you have to love each other such that you would never hurt each other and would always support each other.

It sounds as if there are a lot of good things in your marriage (there were none in mine !) and plenty that is worth saving, but I think you need to think deeply about whether you can find the 'spark' with this nice man, or whether you will start yearning (and maybe looking) for something better.

If he is in a sense your plan 'B' and if someone 'better' came along you would leave him, then tell him so and let him go to build a life with someone else. If you feel you could make a happy life together maybe with counselling etc, then thrwo everything at trying to save your marriage - only give up on it if you can honestly say you have both done your best to make it work.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/04/2018 14:57

I wonder if most of the 55% of people who regret divorcing are men?

And the women are all singing the song of freedom whilst occupying the whole of the double bed.

WilburIsSomePig · 14/04/2018 15:06

I regret it.

He was a lovely, kind man and I was a twat.

Absolutely the biggest mistake of my life.

Original poster
NameChange1999 · 14/04/2018 15:12

Thank you to everyone, and especially KurriKurri and your thoughtful post.

Essentially, there is no passion, no sexual chemistry between us. We are the best of friends. The best. Even when I'm upset about our marriage, the only friend I can imagine turning to talk about it . . . is him.

I don't want to be without him, but I'm also in my late twenties and I want to feel desired again.

It sounds like I would regret divorcing him without trying to address the intimacy problems with a professional.

But this is my first marriage, and I never had a close relationship with my mother - and I certainly couldn't talk to her about this. It just feels like sexual connection shouldn't be something that needs to be 'worked on'?

But I have no idea if I'm being naive and thinking about divorce is just a massive mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange1999 · 14/04/2018 15:16

Wilbur, I think probably that's how I'd look back on it if I divorced him.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/04/2018 15:17

Hell no!

TolpuddleFarterOATB · 14/04/2018 15:22

I haven't got divorced, but I'm married and making things work.

I'm afraid sexual intimacy and desire DOES need working on when you have been together a while (for a lot of relationships.)

I have to say that the relationships that did send the sparks flying and were sexual were also more unpredictable, and sometimes abusive.

I'm not saying you can't have Mr. Nice and have lots of sexual chemistry, but I would say it is rare (sweeping statement there.) In my opinion, stick with the nice guy, work on the sex.

LiquoriceTea · 14/04/2018 15:23

Nearly everyone on the "sexless marriage threads say to get out before you have kids....

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2018 15:57

Loss of physical and emotional connection in an otherwise good marriage usually has a specific cause. And often the couple doesn't even realize exactly what that cause is.

Go to counseling. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And as far as telling your troubles to a 'total stranger', does it bother you to go to a doctor and tell them what's wrong with you? Probably not, because you want to feel better. It's the same thing. The counselor is a trained professional and believe me, they've heard 'worse' than you're going to tell them.

Tara336 · 14/04/2018 16:00

It wasn’t the easiest decision to take and I will always be sad that I had to do it but I came to the conclusion he was never going to change and I was not willing to be miserable for ever. I tried very hard but the lovely guy I married had turned into a twat

sanityisamyth · 14/04/2018 16:02

Absolutely not. His new GF is welcome to the lying, stealing, cheating bastard!!

BlondeB83 · 14/04/2018 16:03

Try to work on it first, go to counselling and see if you can pinpoint the cause of your lack of intimacy. I think sometimes people give up too soon.

YoucancallmeVal · 14/04/2018 16:22

I wish I had divorced when I was your age rather than 10 years older! I don't regret being divorced for a second, but I do wish I hadn't spent so much time being so upset over a shit marriage. I should have got out pre dd but kidded myself it would all be fine. I just don't think I am the marrying kind really.

MeanTangerine · 14/04/2018 16:56

The sexual connection can absolutely be worked on. Good sex isn't something that is bestowed in a relationship by The One Fairy. It also doesn't happen in a vacuum - physical health issues, work stress, even manky bedroom decor, body image issues, LOADS of things can get in the way.

I don't know if you've discussed it with your shoes, but you might well find he is very much up for doing more/differently in the bedroom (or living room, or kitchen table, or up a tree, what ever).

If you really cannot face going to counselling with him, go without him. You might find it easier without him there, to say the things that are bothering you, and work out what you want to do about it. I know on MN that people always say (for very good reasons) that you can leave for any reason you like. But you describe a marriage to a man who is your very best friend - don't throw it away without trying to save it.

MeanTangerine · 14/04/2018 17:00

I guess my view is coloured by the experience of a dear friend of mine whose husband walked out very suddenly, saying he hadn't been happy for years and he couldn't take it any more. He never mentioned it prior to leaving, refused point blank to attend any counselling, and has never given an explanation of his feelings beyond "I'm not happy". Marriages live and die by communication or lack of it - give your dh a chance and talk to him. He loves you and wants you to be happy.

GibbousMoon · 14/04/2018 17:06

I think you should go to counselling on your own. Discuss your unhappy relationship with your mother and your sexual feelings. Somehow you sound repressed to me. If you don't know yourself it's hard to gel with someone else.

Witchend · 14/04/2018 17:44

I do know if a couple who got divorced, met at an event 2-3 years later and decided to give it another go. They're still together 20 years later.

user7680 · 14/04/2018 17:46

My h is an alcoholic abusive I think about divorcing him every day there’s no way I will be regretting being free in the near future

Tmtiger · 16/04/2018 01:18

Emotional and physical intimacy can be improved apon. Last year after really shitty year me and husband had a row which culminated in him shouting "I wanted me wife to want to have sex with me" and me shouting "I want my husband to want to talk to me" since then we have spent alot of time talking about these two points and things have improved on both sides massively.

If both parties are willing to change things can get better, so you don't need to think the way things are at the moment are the way things will always be.

Loopyloopy · 16/04/2018 01:31

Yes, sexual connection is definitely something that needs to be worked on to be maintained in a long term relationship.

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/04/2018 01:34

ive been divorced 11 yrs and i dont regret at all, best thing i ever did.