Sexless marriage

[Justalittlelemondrizzle]

Dh and I have been together for 15 years. Always had an up and down sex life but generally good. 2 years ago I had the IUD removed as it was causing me problems and I felt it wasn't worth it due to the to periods of lack of sex. I thought we could just use condoms when we dtd. Dh doesn't like them. Never has. Around the same time, DH developed kidney stones and these persist to this day, he is due to have surgery to remove them soon. We have had sex twice this year. Both times, he couldn't finish.. Or even continue.
In the past, while sporadic, when we have had sex, its always been amazing, passionate, 4 hour long, peel me off the ceiling afterwards kinda sex.
But now he seems to have stopped bothering and so, ive stopped bothering to try to initiate it or even expect it.
There isn't any affection in the relationship, I don't remember the last time he touched me. Or me him. I know it works both ways and
I don't know if I am being unreasonable. But I feel daft being affectionate now. In fairness though. We've never been one of those touchy feely types of couples.
Ive always had a high sex drive and have a bob, theres several in our toy box actually. But over the last few weeks I've found this isn't enough. I miss the closeness and intimacy. Validation even.
What can I do? I keep telling myself that once he's had the op, things will get better. But I'm not so sure.
Everything else in the relationship is great. He's a good dad, provider. He helps around the house and he is my best friend.

Let the man get well. Nobody feels like sex when they're ill or in pain. I'm still reeling from four hours, though!

When its good its v v v v good. And then there's times like this.
I feel like this is going to become our new normal. I don't think I could live like that long term.

What's a bob?

Battrey operated boyfriend.

What's a bob? I thought would be a particularly sexy hairstyle?

OP, I agree with above. Wait until op is done and dusted and all healing. I don't think you can judge anything until then. Don't panic!

I haven’t had 4 hour sex since 1997 you lucky cow. It is so rear I remember the exact weekend, Barcelona the weekend Michael hutchence died. The memory alone knackers me out.

Moving on. Communication is everything. Delicacy (so whatever you do don’t use my bill in a china shop method) surrounding the subject. Explain you feel there is a lack of intimacy and it’s not just the sex, it’s the connection. Explain toys are fine but you need closeness. Ask him what he needs. Start small with a kiss now and then and a hug. Don’t expect it to lead anywhere. Small steps and you’ll get back to peeling yourself off the ceiling. If that’s what he wants too.

Hope some of that helps

bull in a China shop not bill

I read that kidney stones don't cause sexual problems. And actually, the best way to get rid of them was through lots of sex. I wasn't sure if he was making excuses and there was another problem either with him or us. This has been going on for so long.

I'm worried to bring it up incase it makes matters worse for him. And it becomes a mental thing. If it hasn't already.

As someone who also finds sex painful (vaginismus, not kidney stones!) I can definitely sympathise with your husband not feeling up to it at the moment. As others have said, that may just be a case of giving him time to have the op and fully recover.

However, the lack of other physical intimacy seems like a bigger issue. Is it that you've never been very physically affectionate (outside of sex) as a couple, and it's only now you're not having sex that it's started to bother you? Or has it been a more recent development?

Well, maybe the thought of 4 hour sex is putting him off?
Could you suggest a quickie a few times and reset that expectation so that he doesn’t feel like he has to go all out every time?

Give him some time to get better and recover too, without pressure.
If that doesn’t work, then consider having a heart to heart about if there’s anything else he’s worried about. For men anxiety can stop them climaxing - whether he’s concerned about the stones or something else (has he got some ideas about the stones coming out in his ejaculation, for example?).

No. We've never been very affectionate outside of the bedroom. It's just not what we're like and it's never been an issue. It's just now that it's been so long in the bedroom/car/kitchen table 😉 it means there has been zilch affection for months.
I don't know why he can't come to bed to cuddle. Kidney stones don't stop someone doing that. He'd rather stay downstairs playing his game.😔

The key to moving forward justalittle is removing all pressure surrounding sex.

Haha sorry. It wasn't always 4 hours. Quickies are also fun. And also necessary with 3 kids.
I don't expect a marathon. They just happen.

I haven't put any pressure on him.. I know how men's minds work. I don't want to make the situation worse and create another problem.
I haven't mentioned it to him at all. I've kept my thoughts to myself.

Ok, but he’s learnt not to expect cuddles or other affection from you during your relationship - that hasn’t changed, it’s just that you’re now feeling the consequences of that because it’s been a while since you last dtd. So he’s not changed - you have - and that’s okay but you will have to verbalise that so that he knows you want some affection.

X-post. I've never had kidney stones so I'm not sure what they're like, but even if the pain isn't directly affected by sex I can still imagine that it makes it hard for him to get into the mood. I never feel up for it when I have period cramps either, even though it's supposed to help alleviate them. Unless the lack of sex has been going on for longer than he's had this issue, or there's something else about the situation that's concerning you, I wouldn't rush to look for a deeper problem. Especially as you say it's always been the way you are - maybe if neither of you has ever been very 'touchy-feely' before, it just hasn't occurred to him that you might want that now that you're not having sex.

You said in your OP that you feel daft being affectionate now, but have you ever tried it? If so, how does he respond?

That’s good, and I’m not saying you put pressure on him consciously - but I’m suggesting things to try. You’d be surprised at how much pressure men put on themselves, particularly sexually.

So you haven't actually talked to him about this? Surely that's the very first thing.

If we have a dry patch one of us will say "everything ok? We don't seem to have done it for a while. You happy with everything?" type thing. It's not hard.

Maybe he's feeling worried and unloved like you. Talk to him!

But if you haven't told him how you feel, why would anything change? I think you need to talk about how you'd like more affection on a day to day basis between you. Totally separate from any discussion about sex.

Also you've said this has been going on for ages but then also that you've had sex twice this year (2018?) How long has this actually been a problem for?

A bit weird to mention my dad on this thread, but he had kidney stones. His consultant told him it's the closest level of pain a man will feel compared to child birth. He was grumpy, didn't want to go out and do things and mentioned the pain frequently. This is a man who walked around on an ankle broken in five places for three days because he said it was just a sprain and would be fine, my mum had to drag him to a and e in the end. Just because it doesn't affect sexual performance didn't mean DH is particularly up for it at the moment. If you've never as a couple been affectionate outside the bedroom he probably doesn't even realise it's an issue. Just talk to him openly and I agree with others take the pressure off of sex, even take it off the table completely until he is better

4/5 months is a long time! shake I think so anyway. Is it not? Am I being unreasonable?

We've always been up and down sexually since we met. Periods of dry spells and periods of amazing weeks great sex and risque behaviour.

Yea that's what I've kinda done flash I've let him take the lead and just not mentioned it.

I think we need to have a chat about the affection side of things as pp's have said though.

I'm sure I would be sore after 4 hours. The chafing!

If you'd prefer not to talk to him about it (I can totally see where you're coming from with not wanting to make it into A Thing, although I also understand what others are saying about communication being key to resolving the issue) then my suggestion would be to gradually transition into becoming more physically affectionate so that it feels natural. If you start randomly slapping his bum while he's cooking dinner or whatever then of course you're going to feel daft, and he's probably going to worry that something's up Start with little friendly, non-sexual gestures like sitting closer to him, touching his arm, leaning against him while watching a film etc. See how he responds to that and build up from there.

Whether 4-5 months is a long time depends on your relationship - for some couples it would be ages, for some that's their normal sex life. I can definitely see how it would feel like a long time if you have zero physical contact otherwise. When you say you've always been 'up and down' sexually, is 4-5 months an unusually long dry spell for you? How sporadic was your sex life before this?