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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD that she doesn't HAVE to play with this child?

38 replies

AjasLipstick · 14/04/2018 10:58

DD is 10. She's very popular...but I do know what it's like to have a child who doesn't find socialising easy as one of my other children is much more introverted and struggled during some of primary.

I am adding this detail so nobody accuses me of being insensitive.

DD is 10 as I said, we live in Australia. She's extremely sociable and has a lot of friends including three best friends.

When she wants to play with others, she does...none of her three best friends take issue with this.

One child I'll call H asks DD to play with her every single day. She asks in the morning and tries to "book" DD up for playtimes.

DD sometimes agrees but internally dreads it as the child cries easily and demands DD's full attention.

I never knew any of this until today (it's night here now) when I got a text from H's Mum asking DD to attend H's party next week.

I asked DD if she wanted to go and she said yes. After I'd texted to accept DD then went on a rant about the child and how she tries to monopolise DD...and how she didn't really want to go.

I said "Too late...we've said yes now." but have told DD that in future, just tell H that she doesn't want to play.

Is there a better way of dealing with it? DD said H will sometimes tell the teacher (who has never mentioned this to me) and that she complains if DD plays with someone else when in her mind, DD has said she will play with her...DD says sometimes she feels so pressured, that she agrees to play with her at say lunchtime but then just doesn't want to

OP posts:
Urubu · 14/04/2018 11:10

She has to go to the party now as she said yes, but in the future no she doesn't have to play with a specific child if she doesn't want to.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/04/2018 11:12

solved in the first post...

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 14/04/2018 11:13

I'd get her out of the party if she doesn't want to go. If you've only just replied then a swift "ah sorry just realised we already have plans.....". And no she doesn't have to play with her. This other child's feelings shouldn't come before your own child's.

SandAndSea · 14/04/2018 11:16

I agree with ruleshelp.

MacaroniPenguin · 14/04/2018 11:23

My DD had this at a much younger age and the teacher handled it by pulling in a group of them and bigging up the importance of playing with different people, not always the same one. There was more going on, the other girl was struggling but it was more productive to address it head on than to put up with her monopolising DD & splitting her from her other friends.

I think I'd be encouraging DD to be saying something similar to the girl - she likes to mix it up and play with lots of different people, and it's more fun in different groups. Could she include this child in a bigger group? It's really hard, the playground must be hard for this girl but your DD needs to balance being kind and not sujugating her own feelings. Many will probably expect 10 year olds to sort this out themselves but you could pop in with DD and ask her teacher for advice.

pictish · 14/04/2018 11:31

I don’t agree with ruleshelp...there’s nothing worse than underhand lies to oil yourself out things you Cuba with. It’s obvious to the person you’re lying to and makes you seem like a bullshitter. Don’t go back on the acceptance now.

I do agree with urubu - you have said yes now so that’s done with. yes she should attend the party, no she does not have to play with the girl in future. In response to “will you play with me at break?” she can say, “I’m not sure what I’ll be doing at break yet, I might hang out with x and x today.”

pictish · 14/04/2018 11:32

Cuba? Ha ha...I meant cba obviously. Underhand lies to oil yourself out of something you can’t be arsed with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 11:45

Dds School has an inclusion policy. But this sort of situation is awkward as the child may perhaps be trying to isolate your dd to have her all to herself. Can they not all play together? Personally I would speak to the teacher. They may come up with an solution and in that case, you will be helping both your dd and H.

Beamur · 14/04/2018 11:49

We're in the U.K, I've been chatting with my DD about various friendship stuff recently and came across a kind of 'booking' system operating at her school. I was asking why she couldn't just play with whomever at break time and she informs me that they make arrangements early in the day and 'book' friends to each break. So, if you get asked by someone you'd rather avoid, it's more difficult to say no. Bonkers.

upsideup · 14/04/2018 11:53

At 10 I would just say you're sorry but you can no longer make the party, Your dd doesnt have to play with a child who is treating her like that.

GreenEyedGoose · 14/04/2018 11:55

If you've only just accepted now you can decline. But your dd will probably want to go next week to the party!

Dd1 has struggled to make friends, we are in London with a small class and she just hasn't found her people. But there is another girl who wants to play with her but as dd1 says is very bossy and doesn't listened to her.

I've told her it's ok to say nicely she doesn't want to play. I say it's fine not to like everyone but we be nice to everyone.

SaucyJane · 14/04/2018 11:58

I screw with macaroni penguin - is there any chance your DD could play with her sometimes but in a bigger group or as part of a bigger game, like skipping? That would mean your DD isn't feeling mean or under pressure and it might even help H make some other friends?

Difficult situation :(

SaucyJane · 14/04/2018 11:58

Er - sorry macaroni. I AGREE with you!!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 12:01

Beamur
Two sets of friend wanted to play with dd. But a girl in each of the groups didn’t get on with the girls in the other group. So one friend suggested a schedule for my dd at the beginning of yr4. Mon/weds with one set of friends. Tues/Thurs another. Friday dd got to decide. I obviously had no idea.

When the school got wind of it, they were told this wasn’t allowed. My dd is almost now 10. I totally disagree with a booking system. Again I would talk to the school. It puts too much pressure on both the more popular and less popular children. They should all be encouraged to play together. Dd has also been on the other side of this, where she suddenly found herself friendless for a while in yr1 so I’m not saying this as a mother, who doesn’t understand.

Beamur · 14/04/2018 12:10

The 'booking' system is totally the kids invention, it might be worth telling their class teacher though as it's not always a good thing. DD has had one or two quite suffocating friends, but all seems better at the moment.

MadMaryBoddington · 14/04/2018 12:24

This reminds me of when I was 11. I didn’t have a best friend; I liked to play with a variety of different kids depending on how I felt on the day.

Then one girl who struggled a bit socially decided that as I was ‘free’, I was available to be her best friend. I liked her well enough and naively went along with it, not realising this meant I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to play with anyone else all of a sudden. Every time I so much as talked to any of my other friends, I had her (and other busybodies!) asking why I’d ‘fallen out’ with her. It drove me a bit mad, and it was a complete nightmare to get out of this weird possessive friendship, and I was very much the bad guy in the class for a while, before things settled down and I went back to my friends with everyone approach.

Please give your daughter ‘permission’ to not play with this girl. That booking system is awful.

Please give

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 12:34

You have only just accepted, call her back & apologise - I think being honest is better, but I’d probably just make an excuse about forgetting about a previous commitment.

Then I’d reassure DD that it’s ok to say ‘no’ to playing with ‘H’. ‘No, I don’t want to thank you’ is perfectly acceptable. If ‘H’ ‘tells on her’, so what? DD can just tell the teacher that ‘H’ asks every day and cries if she says no, but she’s fed up of it. She’s allowed to say ‘no’ withoutball this bloody hassle.

Then I’d talk to the teacher and say you were happy for the girls to sort it out themselves, but that I don’t want the adults pressuring her to play with ‘H’ ‘to be nice’. She’s done this for long enough off her own back. She’s allowed to say ‘No’ to things she doesn’t want to do - it’s a life lesson!

diddl · 14/04/2018 12:46

How many are going?

How badly does she not want to go & why did she say yes?

missbonita · 14/04/2018 12:53

I suffered this and still do on occasion, my DD does too. Some people seem to be targets for this sort of obsessive/possessive friendship. I spoke to DD about it a lot and now she is very clear with people at the outset as we feel that is kinder and fairer. The other girl is competing for your DDs attention and she needs to understand that only DD will decide who she plays with and what she wants to do and that she isn't 'tied' to one friend. In my DDs case this worked very well and 2 of the girls paired off into a very tight pair that did everything together leaving DD free to play with whoever she wanted.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/04/2018 12:57

God, that booking system stuff sounds horrendous.

I agree with PP's that DD should attend the party as you accepted the invitation but of course it is okay for your DD not to play with this child/not as much.

I remember trying to 'be friends' with someone who I just didnt click with at all, its horrid.

Re. the school aspect, my DD has a friend who doesnt like her playing with other kids and will sometimes say stuff to teacher. Ive just explained to my DD that it is okay for her to play with other children as long as she isnt intentionally hurting other friend's feelings by being mean, but simply wanting to play with other friends is fine. I tell her to see if she can include them in the game.

If youre concerned about H reporting DD to teacher, Id have a quiet word with the teacher and explain what you have here.

diddl · 14/04/2018 13:00

If there's a chance that your daughter will be bullied into doing what the other girl demands I'd definitely call back cancel.

MacaroniPenguin · 14/04/2018 13:06

Saucyjane eek and phew! Grin

I'm surprised at all the replies saying don't make her go to the party. The party's a bigger group. I don't think she should be encouraged to turn down mixing with this girl within a wider circle. In fact the party might facilitate just the dilution that would help your DD manage this.

You really don't want to be encouraging 10 year olds to drop friends completely - and reneging on a party invitation is a bit of a snub. Quicker than you can blink there'll be a big web of gossip, cliques and X not talking to Y. OP's DD sounds like an inclusive sort and I think she should be encouraged to remain so, just not at the expense of her other friendships. Keeping friendly but at arm's length is the easiest path in the long term. I'd interpret that to mean attending this girl's party she's already accepted, but not feeling obliged to invite her back to DD's unless it's a particularly big one.

mummmy2017 · 14/04/2018 13:10

Get a few ways of saying b
No in a nice way together with your daughter
Thank you for asking me to play but I would rather wait till break to decide what I would like to do.

Sorry but I am not sure what to do at playtime.

Can we talk about this later please..

How about we decide later.

gillybeanz · 14/04/2018 13:11

Ok, at 10 you can teach your child to play with H sometime but be firm that she has other friends to play with.
At her age she should understand this, unless SN.
How can you have 3 best friends? The idea is you have one because they are best Confused

DalmatianSpots · 14/04/2018 13:17

I think it would be really mean to cancel after saying yes.

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