To tell DD that she doesn't HAVE to play with this child?

[AjasLipstick]

DD is 10. She's very popular...but I do know what it's like to have a child who doesn't find socialising easy as one of my other children is much more introverted and struggled during some of primary.

I am adding this detail so nobody accuses me of being insensitive.

DD is 10 as I said, we live in Australia. She's extremely sociable and has a lot of friends including three best friends.

When she wants to play with others, she does...none of her three best friends take issue with this.

One child I'll call H asks DD to play with her every single day. She asks in the morning and tries to "book" DD up for playtimes.

DD sometimes agrees but internally dreads it as the child cries easily and demands DD's full attention.

I never knew any of this until today (it's night here now) when I got a text from H's Mum asking DD to attend H's party next week.

I asked DD if she wanted to go and she said yes. After I'd texted to accept DD then went on a rant about the child and how she tries to monopolise DD...and how she didn't really want to go.

I said "Too late...we've said yes now." but have told DD that in future, just tell H that she doesn't want to play.

Is there a better way of dealing with it? DD said H will sometimes tell the teacher (who has never mentioned this to me) and that she complains if DD plays with someone else when in her mind, DD has said she will play with her...DD says sometimes she feels so pressured, that she agrees to play with her at say lunchtime but then just doesn't want to

I agree with mummmy.

Discuss some potential responses and role play them with your DD.

While it’s nice to be kind to everyone and play with lots of people that doesn’t mean she should be allowing herself to be manipulated.

Kind shouldn’t equal doormat.

It’s not a great lesson future relationships.

It’s really, really important to be able to say “no” in a polite but firm way.

My oldest is 7 & we’ve had this before too. I’ve reminded DD1 (well, and DD2) thatvits important to be kind to everyone but that she doesn’t have to play with someone if she doesn’t want to.

To be fair, as an adult I’ve struggled with the same thing, so I’m working hard on doing the same myself.

I am fascinated to see the "booking" going on elsewhere!

DD has tried to include H in smaller group play but apparently, she never wants to play what the others suggest and tries to monopolise the time.

I'm cautious about just believing this and am a little bit concerned that there's general leaving out going on.

I have never been the most popular person myself so don't feel well placed to advise at times!

My dd has this problem at about the same age, it came to a head eventually and she was so stressed as the other girl was very highly strung and would spend lunchtime screaming in the toilets if dd wasn't hers alone. She would also "warn off" and pinch other children that tried to join in. We eventually met with her parents (who I was friendly with, awkward!) and the teachers and agreed that she would be her fr end but not her only friend, it took a bit of sorting as the other child was very insecure and didn't make friends easily but only once it was sorted did I realise how stressed dd had been by feeling responsible for the other girls happiness all the time.

Oh and I'd never cancel after accepting...I did say that in the OP sort of.

I would get rid of the 'best' references because this automatically excludes other children

This child obviously finds social interaction difficult but it's not your daughters problem to solve.

Practice saying no, but you can join in if you want to. That way she's leaving the girl with options

If she cries she needs to speak up and say 'Miss she only wants to play with me and not everyone'

Speak to her teachers if your DD is upset - it's a horrible situation probably made worse by your daughter being friendly and inclisusve - she doesn't have to be

I think as she's said "yes" she should honour that. If you'd said "yes" for her, and then she'd got upset, then no, but she did agree first.

I don't think this "booking system" as people are calling it sounds that bad. They're little girls saying "will you play with me at lunch time" and saying yes/no. It's not a formal chart on the wall. Exactly the same as we used to "book" partners for sitting on the coach when going swimming weekly at the same age. People generally sat with a best friend, but people like me, who didn't have a best friend tended to get asked by people who'd realised their friend was away.
It was less stressful than wondering whether you were going to be on your own (or worse with a boy!) on the coach.

As the other child doesn't have anyone she is naturally playing with she's asking.

What I would do though is talk to the teacher, so if she goes crying to the teacher and says that your dd won't play, then the teacher has some awareness of the situation.

Green well they don't go around shouting about being best friends but they are...they're close. They have regular playdates and sleepovers etc.

I'd have a quick chat with the teacher. They might have picked up on something.

I had to speak to dcs teacher when they kept coming home saying a particular child wouldn't let them talk to anyone else and i witnessed them pushing kids away when they were talking to DC. It escalated a bit due to the other parent trying to force them together (maybe all she heard her child talk about was my DC but frankly it all went a bit weird) and my Dc just said they wanted nothing to do with them as they kept upsetting all their friends.

Sorry I can't really help. But just think it might be a word with the school. Our teacher had noticed this kid could be quite obsessive. And put stuff in place to help.

I don't think she has to go because she said yes on impulse. I would ask her for a final time if she wants to go and that will be the final decision, she can't change her mind later.

The reason for this is that the OP didn't know any of her DD's struggles with H, so perhaps DD felt she should follow the path of saying yes, doing the right thing etc - whilst knowing she is feeling pressured and compromised, but doesn't know how to deal with it or even how to have raised it with OP.

So the DD's feelings come before the party acceptance on this instance. I wouldn't make my DD go if she didn't want to, but I would make it a firm answer with no wavering afterwards.

As for the other girl, speak to the teacher about the situation, and I'd tell your DD to always be kind to this girl but that she doesn't have to feel pressured and/or compromised by her. She should know she has your full support in this. My own mum, I always felt, was on the side of everyone else and taught me to put myself last - in this case she would have said to me something like (in an exasperated tone) "Well WHY haven't you just told her you don't like it, I can't sort out your problems for you, maybe H is this/that/the other, if you don't play with her who else are you going to play with, what if everyone becomes friends with H then you'll be the one with nobody" (i.e. victim blaming). So I'd feel confused and guilty as well.

Yes, humbleness is a good quality but not when it comes at the expense of your self-confidence or feeling that your own parents don't support your feelings, because if they don't, who does.

I'd find this really creepy and horrible, and training up young girls to not be able to say No easily. Sometimes people will get hurt feelings when you say no, but everyone has to learn early in life that sometimes it happens, and deal with it.

This kind of booking and insisting on exclusivity is bullying.

I have 2 DDs. DD1 struggles socially and clings on to friends, who then accuse her of following them around. She was doing the same with DD2, who is very popular. But now DD2 avoids her, which actually has been a good thing because it's pushed DD1 to play with girls in her year and she now has one good friend who came for a birthday sleepover for her 9th birthday.

Your DD shouldn't feel she has to play with this girl. Any more than my DD2 has to feel like it's her responsibility to make sure that my DD1 isn't on her own.

Do you know what sort of party it is - at 9 they're at that transition age so could still be having a big one or could just be 2 or 3 of them. If it's going to be big then I would encourage your dd to go - as others have said it will be good for her to interact with her in a bigger group. If it's jus 2 or 3 of them then in light of what your dd has said, given you agave only just accepted, I would say that you hadn't double checked with dh and that you're very sorry but you've realised it's not going to be possible for dd to come on the day but best wishes for the day, and that you're sure they will all have a nice time and that as it is so soon after being asked you're sir H will have other friends she can invite instead.

Separately have a talk about how she needs to talk to you about this stuff and not bottle it up, that feeling pressured to do anything by anyone is wrong so to heed it as a warning sign and talk to you, a teacher etc.

Also talk to the teacher to get her to help. If H struggles socially then maybe her mum has encouraged her with the booking thing as a strategy that works for her so she needs to understand it's not a good thing and that needs to come from an impartial person i.e. The teacher!