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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he just trying to put me off?

33 replies

limoncello84 · 13/04/2018 20:15

I have a male friend at work that I see as purely platonic. He's married, but even if he was single, he's not my type. About 5/6 months ago I had a little dalliance with another guy at work and as soon as I told my friend about us, he was really down on the guy. It was nothing serious, just a flirtation/chatting etc but my friend kept on about all his negative traits and he's heard this and that etc. In the end I'm not sure if he even warned him off but it fizzled out anyway. It did make me wonder about my friend though, and I saw him in a slightly different light. I was more guarded etc around what I said to him.

Fast forward to this week. I mentioned one of the men we work with in conversation work related and he started on about how he's getting married etc (to my 'okay...' ??) response and started with the negative comments again. I really want to be paranoid, but it just seems so coincidental. I was telling a friend who knows work man outside of work and he isn't getting married at all, so that was really weird.

I don't really know what I'm asking but don't want any drama at work so don't want to vent to anyone there. AIBU or does it sound like he's just trying to put me off these guys? There's a semi attraction to work man, but he's gut a girlfriend so not an option so it just seems bizarre

OP posts:
Emma198 · 13/04/2018 21:39

Sounds to me like he fancies you and doesn't want you to get with anyone else.

Original poster
limoncello84 · 13/04/2018 21:42

But if he's married and genuinely seems to love his family, what would be the point? I think that's the bit I'm missing, it's really really weird

OP posts:
isseywithcats · 13/04/2018 21:44

i would keep conversations with him strictly work related, and not give him any ammunition as hes done this twice now, i bet he wants you but cant have you as hes married and you don;t fancy him anyway, and if he does it again i would point out how unprofessional it is to say disparaging things about work colleagues

Emma198 · 13/04/2018 21:46

Probably that he can't have you but doesn't want to see you with anyone else x

OlennasWimple · 13/04/2018 21:47

Don't date work colleagues, don't discuss personal issues with work colleagues

Original poster
limoncello84 · 13/04/2018 21:49

I think I've let my guard down a bit as he dialled down the crazy behaviour...until now. This other guy can't have me either though as he has a girlfriend... It just seems such an extreme reaction to saying someone (who's indirect job it is) helped me with a work issue

OP posts:
Qwertytypewriter · 13/04/2018 21:53

Don't date work colleagues, don't discuss personal issues with work colleagues
This^. Its different from school or uni, dating a work colleague would be potentially awkward, for you and for your other colleagues. Try to meet some other people, and avoid flirtations with anyone at work.

Original poster
limoncello84 · 13/04/2018 21:57

Dating colleagues is not an issue. I'm not dating any colleagues and have no intention of doing so. That's not what my post says Hmm

OP posts:
KC225 · 13/04/2018 22:16

Well you had a fling with a guy at work, and are now flirting with a guy at work and have confided in a married guy friend at work ....... The common denominator being work. Perhaps you should cast your nets wider than the staff canteen.

Qwertytypewriter · 13/04/2018 22:45

So stop having 'dalliances', and flirting with your work colleagues then - its pretty unprofessional - sounds as if you're friend is trying to discourage you from making yourself look a bit cheap - calm down, and treat your male colleagues as if you don't fancy them. Again, work isn't for making new pals and flirting, you're paid to work Hmm.

SomeKnobend · 13/04/2018 22:51

He flatters himself that you fancy him, and it ruins it when you appear to like someone else so he says shit to put you off. Sounds like a knob.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 13/04/2018 23:02

OP. It is really sad that so many people think that you shouldn’t make friends at work (yeah, friendships are about sharing and if you talk nothing personal you are just colleagues). But I think you shouldn’t be telling this guy anything, he may look friendly but he clearly has another agenda and doesn’t care much about you as you think:

-Friends are with you on the bad ones and to celebrate in the bad ones. If he is putting you down every time you say something about another guy, he is really trying to keep you single even if he has no plans to try anything physical. It may be selfishness or he has an emotional affair with youthat you obviously do not share. (I think is more selfishness but either way he is jealous of any potential new friends boyfriends and ACTING against them.

He tells you that, how do you know he is not going to the other people and telling them lies about you?

Qwertytypewriter · 13/04/2018 23:57

It is really sad that so many people think that you shouldn’t make friends at work (yeah, friendships are about sharing and if you talk nothing personal you are just colleagues).
The OP wasn't about forming friendships at work tho, it was all about flirting and dalliances, which really isn't the same thing!

TheStoic · 14/04/2018 00:09

Just stay away from him, OP. He doesn’t sound like a good guy. Especially if, as suggested, he just wants to helpfully prevent you from looking ‘cheap’.

Monty27 · 14/04/2018 00:20

He's probably just looking out for you because as already said above, work relationships are tricky in some industries.
I keep my personal life far away from my work colleagues. Work friendships are different.

Original poster
limoncello84 · 14/04/2018 05:41

It is sad, you're right. I wish people wouldn't read details that aren't there. I had one little thing with the first man I mentioned but also clarified I just meant hanging out /chatting.

The second man I have never flirted with once. You can tell if somebody is attracted to you, that is all. He has a girlfriend. I am not interested because of this. I don't know if I even would be if he didn't. All I had commented to my friend is that he'd helped me with a work problem and fixed it. Nothing personal, just work.

Thanks to those who read nothing into it other than what I actually wrote! :)

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 14/04/2018 05:51

Well, there is another possibility. Maybe he knows how these men express themselves about women when in all-male company.

Catmint · 14/04/2018 06:29

Maybe he (mistakenly) thinks you are asking for advice? Or perhaps for some reason he feels protective of you.

Maybe he is someone who invests a lot in relationships, & doesn't understand the casual nature of what you are saying. So he might be focusing on the 'cons' because he doesn't want you to get hurt.

His reason for being that way is irrelevant, I think. Even if he did have some kind of agenda, it doesn't mean you have to engage with it.

crisscrosscranky · 14/04/2018 06:48

Perhaps he's worried you're getting a reputation as the office bike - don't be surprised if he starts keeping his distance so it's not rumoured that he's your latest 'dalliance'.

Original poster
limoncello84 · 14/04/2018 06:59

Jesus, crisscrosscranky. How nothing more than conversation can be considered 'bike worthy' makes it a sad sign of the times/mn

OP posts:
theculture · 14/04/2018 07:35

Yes, I think you are right to dial back on this guy - as a pp said he seems overly invested in you - it sounds like it's verging into the creepy territory if you can't even discuss a work issue without him bringing the conversation indirectly to sex - I guess that shows you where his mind is . .

As for the comments about work and professionalism, you sound like you are handling things just fine,but even if something was going on with someone I think 1/3 of people meet their partner at work so you wouldn't be the only one!

fourandnomore · 14/04/2018 07:48

Shocked by the severity of these responses op, you've done nothing wrong at all. You became friendly with someone at work, nothing came of it. You have now mentioned a male at work helped you fix something, that's what I have taken from the post. Those making judgements please imagine it was the other way round and op was a man, in fact they could be. The office bike? Getting a reputation? For chatting to someone and being friendly? Really? OP I'm sorry you're getting a hard time. I think I would just maintain professional distance with the friend and if he says negative things about anyone at all just say that's a bit harsh or ignore. He probably just wants your attention, or has a kind of fatherly role with you for some reason and is looking out for you, but I think "okay, anyway back to the work matter we were discussing" would suffice.

Pengggwn · 14/04/2018 07:55

I thought all the Puritans went to the New World. Nope. Turns out they colonised MN instead.

Original poster
limoncello84 · 14/04/2018 10:19

Thanks for the latter replies. Fourandnomore, you read it exactly right! Im shocked too at some replies

OP posts:
sonjadog · 14/04/2018 10:22

This thread seems to have travelled back in time...

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