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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to tackle this with ex’s partner?

44 replies

ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 19:17

Long story short, ex is an idiot. Girlfriend he is currently with has been very off/on over 5 years. They are engaged but no sign of wedding. They have moved in with each other twice prior to moving in together for the third time late last year. I am a model ex - no interest in her whatsoever. Never met her, don’t bad mouth her or the ex and never mess about with contact.

She seems to hate my children. She seems to hate me. We are now at the point where my eldest child (teen) has come home in tears because of her ‘chatting shit’ about me. She shouts at them for any mention of me, demands to know the finer details of my working and private lives, slags me off to the point of calling me dirty, saying I am a bad mother because I can’t drop my eldest at high school due to the layout of the local land and my need to be at work on time (it would involve double-backing and I can’t leave earlier due to childcare opening times), and other general shit.

My ex doesn’t join in but doesn’t stop it either. All my children don’t want me to intervene because they are scared because they are not supposed to discuss with me what happens at their dad’s house. They have been taught not to talk back to adults and are scared of challenging her anyway.

How best to support them? My ex isn’t reasonable and will deny and minimise. He left the OW for her blatant abuse of our children but this relationship is now long term, on-going and I am very sure he is party to what is going on. In other words, I think he accepts it and isn’t about to leave.

I am fully independent, working full time (apparently the fact that I have a meeting every morning is, in her words, a sign I am being ‘monitored’ when in fact, I attend a daily briefing at 8:30 like most teachers up and down the country!) whilst she relies on her parents business for employment (and presumably my ex). He doesn’t pay maintenance so she has no axe to grind there. I drive a decent car, own my own home, and we have regular holidays (he has never taken our children on holiday). I closed my CSA case years ago.

Any ideas? They want to see their dad but have no private time with him to discuss. She is always there. We are not yet at the point of not wanting to spend time with them but it is not far off. They are asking what would happen if....

Frustrated.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 13/04/2018 19:20

Do you have a good enough parenting relationship to meet him for coffee and have a talk

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 19:22

No. He ‘s a liar of enormous proportions. He will minimise and deny. He won’t take well to me pointing out the bloody obvious.

OP posts:
Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 13/04/2018 19:26

It all sounds incredibly immature to me. Your children are old enough to say it's a problem no maintenance so bugger them . You need to put no effort in.

ididntmeanitlikethat · 13/04/2018 19:28

It sounds like maybe your ex's partner is jealous OP.

I know this must be incredibly frustrating but perhaps continuing to rise above it and not show the kids that it has any affect on you whatsoever may be the way forward.

Tell them to ignore it and shrug it off.

If nothing else, you are setting the example that while you can't control other people's behaviour, you can control your own.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 19:28

The eldest is old enough to choose, the other two really aren’t. I would prefer they didn’t have to but maybe you’re right. Watch it run it’s course?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/04/2018 19:37

Is it to the point where all the kids don't enjoy the contact because of her? If so, might be time to consider if it really is in their best interests to continue contact.

Beeziekn33ze · 13/04/2018 19:41

Are they old enough to go dim and gormless and mumble 'I dunno' to intrusive questions about you? She sounds awful and far too interested in you. She probably sees you as being very successful and competent and can't accept it.
Poor kids stuck in the middle, scared to tell you how things are at their father's. Is the oldest able to ignore her when she starts about you? Suddenly find the tv fascinating or whatever?

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 19:44

They are old enough to be taught to mumble or ignore, yes. I just worry about that as a way of behaving with adults ‘cos generally it’s pretty poor to do that. You’re probably right.

OP posts:
Juells · 13/04/2018 20:05

I'm really sorry I didn't pull the plug on visits long before my children became adults. It did them no good in the long run, and they were both scarred by the experience. Yes, I think it's jealousy. Why should you agree to your children having to listen to bile about you?

FrancesHaHa · 13/04/2018 20:11

Don't underestimate the lies he might be telling her about you. Not that this is in anyway an excuse, but might be a factor

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 20:22

Yes, Frances, I realise that’s a factor and is more than likely the case. I have worked so hard to be decent and shrug off my own anger, bitterness and jealousy for the children’s sake that I just feel so frustrated some woman can ruin it for them. I might as well have been a total bitch and made them hate him anyway!

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 13/04/2018 20:27

Claim the maintenance you are entitled to and give her something to really moan about!

WallisFrizz · 13/04/2018 20:30

Tell him it stops now or you’ll start claiming the maintenance again, including retrospectively.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 20:31

No, maintenance won’t happen. His business dealings are shady, he has moved some business abroad. It won’t happen. I gave up years ago when I got the ‘£nil assessment’ letter. Somehow that was enough, kind of like irrefutable evidence he didn’t give a shit? Hard to explain. I manage which is probably part of the problem. He is very open about his non-payment so I imagine she knows.

OP posts:
Juells · 13/04/2018 20:31

I don't understand why you don't claim maintenance anyway, but even more so if you're getting grief.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 20:33

You can’t claim maintenance reatrospectively. What is the point of empty threats?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 13/04/2018 20:34

Put in a cms claim. Irresponsible fucker he is.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 20:35

No, juells, I know. I just don’t need the hassle. It used to rule my life and I was constantly angry about it. Closing the case, letting it go....it was a massive relief. I was able to move on.

OP posts:
Katara · 13/04/2018 20:39

Is there a court order in place? Because they don’t have to go if there is not. In fact, it is arguably detrimental to their well-being for you to be bad mouthed. Have they spoken to anyone else about this? (i.e teacher, any kind of support worked, someone who can evidence what they are saying who is not you).

It is not poor form for the children to say they do not know to persistent questions - it is boundaries. If a question is intrusive and upsets them, then it is a good skill to be able to shut it down politely. ‘I am sorry, I don’t know’ or ‘I am sorry, I would rather talk about something else’ are perfectly reasonable responses. Children do not have to answer questions just because adults ask them.

Prettylovely · 13/04/2018 20:40

Could you meet up with the both of them?
Include her and see what she has to say about it? If it is effecting your children so much and they dont feel like they can say anything perhaps its better to get it from the horses mouth?

cloudsblonde · 13/04/2018 20:43

If the ex won't listen maybe the only way to make him stand up and listen is to not let the kids go to his or be around his "gf" until the issue has been addressed.

PinkCalluna · 13/04/2018 20:43

I think you need to give them permission to reply to her.

Talk through potential responses, not rude, polite but assertive.

Eg please don’t be rude about our Mum. It upsets us and makes us not want to visit.

Please don’t be rude about Mum. She is never rude about you.

What you’ve said isn’t true. Please don’t say it again.

Do some role play with them to practice.

They will feel less upset if they have the right of reply. It might also get your ex moving to stop her.

Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 20:45

Yes, there is a court order but he has never followed it so I would,not be concerned about breaking it. He wanted full residence and dragged me through court before anyone assumes I refused to allow him to see the children. I have years of emails and texts which show the difficulties. I have been careful to keep records and document everything. I have nothing to fear should he decide to ever return to court.

I do ‘t believe they have said anything to school but iI will ask them to keep an eye out. Good idea. And you’re right, I need to rethink boundaries. It is a good lesson to learn that they don’t always need to respond to please others (something I probably do). Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/04/2018 20:47

Please don’t be rude about Mum. She is never rude about you

I like that one in particular. Very powerful. I would die inside if a child said that to me.

OP posts:
Jon66 · 13/04/2018 20:48

Ask if they will attend mediation to deal with some child care points that have arisen. If they won't, or she won't, the children have a choice. Most children over 10 or 11 are Gillick competent to choose whether they wish to visit and have a relationship with their father. If it is unpleasant then they don't have to go. The alternative is for him to have supervised contact only. Please don't feel this is not damaging your children, it is and it really shouldn't be happening.