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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have absolutely no bloody discipline whatsoever...

56 replies

procrastinationsupremo · 13/04/2018 16:13

I'm 40 this year and have a responsible job and a young child. My contract is term-time only, so this Easter I decided to keep most of my childcare, catch up on all my paperwork and sort out some of the 50 billion things that need doing in our new house.

Over the last 2 weeks I have had 4 full child free days (and help with bath and bed from my lovely, f/t working husband) and I have done virtually NOTHING! I spent one of the days almost entirely in bed. The house is more of a tip than usual and even right now, whilst my daughter naps and I could be doing something useful I'm on here!

I seem to be exactly the same person I was when I was 14 and felt completely overwhelmed by my messy room!

I'm totally ashamed of myself, but am beginning to think I'll never change.. I can't decide if it's just abject laziness?? I just put things off and off and off until I feel so stressed out by them and there's so much to do I feel completely paralysed by the enormity of my to do list!

Is anyone else like this?? I feel like the rest if the world is working f/t, raising their children, studying, going to the gym and getting up at 5am to batch cook!!?

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 13/04/2018 17:21
  1. It's amazing how productive you can be when you've only got half an hour to catch up on jobs rather than a whole empty day
  2. the main reason people go to classes, hire teachers etc is to prevent procrastination
  3. chopping jobs into fine slices is, as you suggest, a great idea.
  4. don't feel guilty about putting a job on your list that you've already done. It 's motivating to be able to cross a job off the list.
AreWeDoingThisNow · 13/04/2018 17:27

DD has been in nursery all day. I (PGCE student) have planned 1 lesson, sent 1 email, and applied for 2 jobs. Emptied and restacked the dishwasher.

And watched about 7 hours of Netflix and forgot to cook dinner!

DaisyGiveMeYourAnswerDoo · 13/04/2018 17:35

Was going to say maybe ADHD too. I feel just like you (with other symptoms too - forgetfulness etc), and have begun the route to diagnosis.

murmuration · 13/04/2018 17:37

OMG, solidarity! I feel like people who know me at work would be absolutely horrified at my home life - how can I do stuff in one realm, and be so completely ineffective in another? I've been intending to 'get the house' sorted for a good year, and all it does is get worse and worse and I feel completely overwhelmed. There is just SO MUCH to do, I feel like I don't even know where to start, and anything I'm doing is not doing something more important, and so I end up paralysed by indecision or having massive guilt over sorting the small thing that wasn't nearly as important as all the big things I haven't sorted. Or just lying down in bed or being on MN...

happytobemrsg · 13/04/2018 17:39

When DS naps I lie on the sofa, eat chocolate & watch Suits

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 13/04/2018 17:42

I'm similar, but I'm another ADHDer. I've only recently realised that its just how I'm wired so stopped beating myself up over it.

Though on my one DC free day this week I rearranged the living room furniture which, whilst it needed doing, wasn't really as needed as giving the bathroom a good deep scrub down bathroom has been cleaned eventually, just not deeply. Oh well, I managed something productive I suppose, and the DC are very entertained trying to find their toys they're in exactly the same drawers just on the other side of the room but they're acting like everything is different so that's also helped.

Purplehammer · 13/04/2018 17:44

Years of practice and self denial OP
At first it wasn’t easy ,but I persevered and reached the position I am now.
Idle and not caring a fuck.

Shrimpi · 13/04/2018 17:50

Okay! This is normal. Anyone who is working at full tilt all the time is going to collapse when they finally get a break. Everyone does this.

You arent lazy! If you were lazy would you have a responsible job, young child and household to manage? Did your 14 year old self have these responsibilities? So less hard on yourself please!

This is my strategy:

Plan at least half of your "time off" as a guilt free break, and allocate most of this time at the start. (Eg if I had 4 days, I would break down: 2 days guilt free relaxation, TV then 2 days tasks with 1 evening clear to unwind at the end).

Plan something to get you out of the house during your relaxation phase. This can help prevent the "stayed in bed all day and now I feel worse" phenomenon. Obviously some time just pure lazing may be needed to unwind but if you spend an entire day lazing you will feel more tired at the end of it. Spend some money if you've got it, or have fun with a friend! Something you usually "can't find time for". Just a walk or a swim or shopping trip (or whatever you enjoy but active is better) if you haven't planned anything in advance. If you have a romantic partner spend an evening on a date with them.

Then, plan small achievable chunks to get through. Realistic is better, but if you're a perpetual optimist and overestimate what you can do - remember at the end to focus on what you have achieved, not what's still on the list.

Going out to buy some snacks /nice quick to prepare food that will keep you going is your first task!

I use music to get myself pumped and provide entertainment whilst doing chores. My favourite is "make a man out of you" from Mulan. It is much easier to feel energised to do a chore when loudly singing "LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS, TO DEFEAT THE HUNS!" Picturing Mulan retrieving that arrow from the pole is truly inspirational.

I find "just squeezing something in" a good strategy for getting more done than you thought you would. Eg, "I'll just squeeze in washing 2 dishes before I have a shower". Sometimes you will only wash 2 dishes that's fine. Sometimes simply starting the task is enough to prompt spontaneously blasting through all of the dishes - a win! For some reason I am paradoxically motivated when I really need to be somewhere else(!). I use this to try and get stuff done on days "on" as well as days "off".

Plan the most activity for when you are most energised (eg are you a morning or an evening person) even if that means staying up until a weird hour. Plough on once you are "on task".

Put your phone / laptop out of sight and out of reach. Do not engage with the Internet during chore time. If you have removed this distraction but still don't feel motivated to do chores - do something energetic instead (eg dance around house to "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan) because something fun but energetic will give you energy and motivation to complete chores.

Hope that helps! I do not always practice what I preach. Sometimes despite your best intentions you will spend 4 days off lazing about and feel crap at the end. Everyone does this sometimes. Don't feel guilty just make a plan. Squeeze stuff in. Like someone said if you life is really busy and you have the cash consider a cleaner!

Shrimpi · 13/04/2018 17:53

Also - some chores are worse than others. Don't force yourself to start with the chore you hate. Do what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it. If you use one chore to "procrastinate" from another at the end of the day you've still got something done that needed doing.

procrastinationsupremo · 13/04/2018 18:01

shrimpi that does help! Are you a life coach?? (would you like to be mine??). murmuration that's EXACTLY how I feel!! Interestingly I'm a paediatric HCP and often work with YP with ADHD. It has never occurred to me, but I'll have a look at the diagnostic markers for girls/women and see how they apply to me (though honestly I think I'm just a bit useless and never learn...)

OP posts:
procrastinationsupremo · 13/04/2018 18:02

My daughter is 2 btw, nothing much gets achieved work/housework wise whilst she's awake!!

OP posts:
procrastinationsupremo · 13/04/2018 18:05

Sadly I insisted to my DH that the reason we were so badly organised was because we didn't have enough room... We now have a much bigger house and a fucking ENORMOUS mortgage. I only work 3 days a week, so can't really justify a cleaner Sad

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 13/04/2018 18:10

I'm like this.
I got a cleaner.
It makes me tidy up because I would be mortified if it was in a state when she arrived!
Online shopping is also a godsend.
And I do a wash every day then a shitload on the day I don't work - this helps prevent the wading basket from becoming permanently overflowing Blush

Haggisfish · 13/04/2018 18:11

I’m like this, too. Will post more later! Essentially I have stopped feeling guilty about it!

EyepatchOfTravis · 13/04/2018 18:16

Sounds like me too. I've been wondering recently if I may have ADD (I don't have the H bit I'm pretty sure - but terrible procrastination and complete lack of organisation since childhood).

Keep meaning to get the wheels in motion for assessment but keep procrastinating... Blush (true story)

Crispbutty · 13/04/2018 18:21

I purposely tidy the kitchen and living room as soon as I get in from work when it my day off next day, purely so I can have a mega late night and enjoy moving into the middle of our bed for a few more hours once DP goes to work. 😂

I can also happily laze in bed dozing all day like a teenager and I love it 🤨😁

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 13/04/2018 18:22

On the subject of ADHD - this YouTube channel is amazing:

It’s about how to adult with ADHD. The woman is engaging and the videos just the right length for people with short attention spans!

Lots on organisation

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 13/04/2018 18:25

I can’t get a cleaner. I am a cleaner. Grin I couldn’t bring myself to pay someone to do what I go out to do for other people. (And actually enjoy when I can focus on just cleaning)

ayerightur · 13/04/2018 18:25

Haha I've found my people , just spent all day in bed reading Mumsnet posts - I've never actually spent time looking through the website before and now I am hooked - now I'm having a glass of wine , watching tv with my girls while dh makes tea ! I've not got the house clean or the garden cleared - both planned for this weeks holiday , but you know what I refuse to feel bad about it because it's back to work and real life next week .

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 13/04/2018 18:26

Interestingly I’ve had ADHD suggested to me a couple of times before on MN when discussing a few issues. I think it’s time I followed that up.

Buckingfrolicks · 13/04/2018 18:28

purplehammer Smile

minionsrule · 13/04/2018 18:31

I tend to find the more time i have the less i do. I work part term time and normal weekends li will keep up with housework but during hols i will give myself a weekend off thing i have monday, tuesday, thursday to do it. By following weekend i haven't done half the stuff i would normally.
Its like my brain won't allow me to do it Grin

Shrimpi · 13/04/2018 18:32

@procrastinationsupremo

Haha I am not a life coach! In fact I am also a paediatric HCP! I have a lot of adhd features and always have. Perhaps it is why I was drawn to respond to your post. In fact one of my supervisors recently "diagnosed me" in our catch up meeting. Not the first time that has happened so it must be fairly obvious to others. Awkward.

I don't see the point (for me personally) in pursuing a diagnosis as unfortunately I can't see there realistically being any good support for functional adults with adhd, the state of mental and social care being what it is. Self awareness is a valuable thing on its own.

These strategies can work quite well for me so hopefully they will for you.

I am often "all or nothing" when it comes to activities but there are ways you can take advantage of that! Though having adhd or adhd-like traits has its disadvantages there are also pros, and these traits are probably responsible for some of the success you've had in your life. Remember that!

Guilt and self blame is the worst thing - avoid at all costs! At the end of the day if you never ever sort out the things you want to at home you have a successful career and you're a decent person which is a lot more than some people.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 13/04/2018 18:43

Really appreciating your posts shrimpi! Thank you.

Mamabear4180 · 13/04/2018 18:44

I'm much lazier now I'm late 30's to when I was 14!